


Common People

by NevermindBye



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Bathtub Sex, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prison Gangs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2018-08-30 07:06:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 41,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8523343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevermindBye/pseuds/NevermindBye
Summary: Gray walls, orange overalls, and razor blades in his mashed potatoes. That's Tooru's life now. And the man sleeping on the bed across the room trusts him enough to turn his back on him. Tooru wants to be a man deserving of that trust, he really does.





	1. Common People in Common Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more plot-driven to establish the world and stuff. We'll get to the mushy, melancholic stuff in the next chapters, promise. Enjoy! I'd love to hear your opinion of this!

 

Eight years. Four walls.

''In the case of Oikawa Tooru the jury pleads guilty.''

Four walls. Two beds.

''Oikawa Tooru I hereby sentence you to eight years in prison for second degree counterfeiting. Do you accept your sentence?''

''I do.''

Two beds. One second – .

''The court is dismissed. Case 1054 closed.''

One _fucking_ second of being incredibly fucking stupid.

 

– – –

 

He knows how it works. It's not his first time after all. First they laugh at him, _pretty boy goes to prison_ they mock him, then they read his file and they notice by no later than the medical examination that there is not a single mark on his body except for one long scar down his rib cage, faded over the years. They see his badly hidden smile, slightly manic maybe, when he stands stripped down in front of them, and they think _pretty boy has lost his mind_. But eight years for what Tooru has done, not what is written in his file, but what he has really done – eight years really are a joke. Absurd.

He spends the night in a police cell, on a bare cod with a half-empty bottle of water on the ground next to him. Goosebumps run down his spine and arms, all of his hair standing up. He's annoyed at his own teeth chattering, keeping him from sleep and filling the mind-numbing silence in his head and around him. He just wants some peace before being delivered to the slaughterhouse. He knows the rules by now but the game grows stale with time. It's a charade; a constant battle for the upper hand when in reality they have no influence on anything that goes beyond those gray walls and have no place in the real world aside from being the cashier at a wall mart, and no purpose beside giving in straight away to the warm embrace of the familiar territory of crime.

Two of the police men escort him outside the next morning where the bus already waits for him, federal marshals included, a seat reserved for his ass alone. There are the obligatory whistles when he walks in but that's about it. He throws his admirers a peace sign as good as he can with shackles around his feet and handcuffs around his wrists. The first time he went to jail, he expected it to be like the movies; blatant homophobia, rape, non-stopping violence and hyper masculinity all around. He was robbed of this illusion quite quickly though. Not getting all of his hair shaved of was a great relief, as well.

The medical check is a dread. The examination is dragged out by the doctors, possibly to humiliate him, maybe because they take pleasure in feeling him up, who knows. Tooru takes it in stride though, if he opens his mouth they'll only get more creative.

He gets his orange three piece, a box with a few of his belongings and toiletries. Two guards walk him to his cell on the second floor. Thankfully his cellmate isn't there, giving him a moment to just breathe and make himself at home. Ha. There is a poster of a sparsely clad woman hanging on the wall opposite of his side of the cell. On the cupboard meant for books stands a bottle of cheap lotion and a tissue box – there goes subtle. Tooru sighs deeply and slumps forward, his head falling between his knees. He tells himself that he's been through this before, he'll be just fine, he knows if he plays the good inmate he'll be out on parole a year or two earlier. He just got to keep his head down, swallow everything down and do his work right. Talking of, they haven't told him yet what he'll do. Hopefully not road-work again, that was really-

There's a guy standing in the doorway. It's late afternoon, the guys are coming back from work and have a short hour of socializing and doing their own thing. Tooru sits up straight, broadens his stance by spreading his legs a little more. The guy has a sharp grin, his head shaved and his eyes wide, he obviously tries to look intimidating with his grimace but it only results in him looking more or less like a joke.

''Who do we have here, huh?,'' he says and Tooru laughs.

''I'm your new cellmate, nice to meet you, I'm Oikawa,'' he says and offers his hand. The guy doesn't take it, his grimace changes, getting more and more grotesque.

''You're trying to make friends, huh, pretty boy, well let me tell you how it works in here-''

''Yeah, I'm not interested. You don't do friendly? Good, neither do I,'' Tooru says, standing up. ''Who's the boss in here? Can you introduce me?''

The guy comes inside, goes to sit down on his own bed. They won't let you leave your cell if you don't make your bed in the morning, but the guy's bed is so sloppily made, he wonders if the staff here is just as sloppy or blind.

''What do you want?,'' the guy says, looking Tooru up and down with judgmental eyes.

''I want to meet the top dog. And I want to join his gang,'' Tooru says.

Anyone you ask will tell you that joining a prison gang is a bad idea and it really is, Tooru won't deny that. But it's also a fact that he's never been alone in his life. When he was born, he was already part of his father's gang, then later he joined the Iwaizumi's and in his late teens finally Seijoh. He's given his heart to Seijoh and then they just- .

''We have two.''

''Show me the one with the bigger net, then,'' Tooru is getting annoyed with the guy, rolling his eyes at him.

The other man just starts grinning, teeth sharp, ''I know who you want.''

 

– – –

 

Tanaka, as he later introduces himself as, isn't the most pleasant guy to share a cell with but he at least refrained from jacking off their first night together. He tells him that he's been here for five years already and that his old cellmate got his parole granted and that Tooru has to fill big shoes. It's not something Tooru particularly cares about, however.

Tooru mostly ignores him, turning his attention on his surroundings instead. It's an average-sized prison with four floors and roughly two hundred inmates. The last one he's been at was bigger, way more crowded, he had to share his cell with three other guys twice his age. This is an upgrade in that aspect.

That morning they were woken up at five am. Tooru heaved himself out of his bed to make it more or less presentable, his limbs feeling stiff and heavy, muscles tense. Then he and Tanaka got escorted out where the other inmates already stood in line. With eighteen others they were led down the corridors and stairs till they reached the cellar where the showers are located. With bare feet they walked down the moist concrete, stripped and eyes not looking anywhere below the shoulders.

In the shower room, the tiles wet from the group before them, they got five minutes to clean themselves up. Tooru felt several pairs of eyes on him but he refused to visibly acknowledge them.

Even now in the canteen standing in line to get soggy pancakes and the cheapest kind of syrup, he can feel that the attention is on him. He counts on getting the first approaches today. Guys who think they can buy him, the _fresh meat_ , bribe him with cigarettes or harder drugs.

Tanaka tells him to sit with him and the guys he calls his friends at his usual table. There's a guy with long hair, tucked back in a pony tail who looks quite scary but carries himself like a frightened puppy. An orange-haired kid that looks like he should've been sent to juvie instead, maybe barely eighteen. A quiet, softly smiling guy that Tooru mostly ignores, a tall blond guy that scolds at him when he sits down and a plain-looking kid with neatly parted black hair .

Tooru nods at them politely but they're not initiating a conversation so he doesn't bother introducing himself. Maybe Tanaka has told them about his new cellmate already. They only get thirty minutes for breakfast and seventeen are already over but Tanaka has yet to say a word about 'the boss' how he calls him. And while he doesn't have the problem of not enough time, because let's be real he's stuck here for eight years after all, he still grows a little impatient.

He nudges Tanaka with his elbow a few times until he turns around and looks at him.

''When are you going to introduce me to your boss?,'' he hisses, quiet so the others don't overhear. They seem to be too enthralled in the orange-haired kid's wild story to pay him any attention.

''Oh, right,'' Tanaka says, throwing a pointed look to either long-haired guy or plain dude, Tooru can't quite tell. ''You can meet him tonight before supper. Just wait for me in our cell, Tanaka-senpai will come and collect your little ass before handing you over.''

Although he has every right to feel insulted at that, Tooru chooses to ignore the bit about his ass, ''I'm pretty sure I'm older than you. And probably have spent more time behind bars.''

Tanaka rises a little from his seat in a futile attempt of intimidation, but they both know he isn't all that serious. ''In here I am your senpai, okay.'' With that he continues his meal. Tooru doesn't bother arguing.

After he's done with breakfast, he goes to put the tray back. The canteen isn't all that spacious, numerous guys bump into him, purposely or not doesn't really matter in the end. The tables are old and differ in tone, some must have been replaced over the years. He tries to memorize the faces that look at him with curiosity and something entirely different. He'll try to avoid those guys in the future, while he knows how to stand his ground he isn't too fond of hearing whatever they have to say to him.

Just as he's putting his tray down a hand – too close to his head for comfort – appears in his peripheral view. His own arm shoots out, grabs the other person's wrist, twists it. Without much thought he puts his other hand underneath the guy's elbow. If necessary he can push upwards, successfully breaking the arm.

With fiery heat in his eyes he turns to look the guy in the face. His decision whether or not he'll break the arm depends on what Tooru sees in his eyes. Fight or flight.

Hazel eyes, thick brows, strong cheekbones. He's openly, calmly looking back at Tooru. When Tooru drops the arm, the man grabs two napkins from the dispenser and takes a step back, putting a bit more room between the two of them. Tooru tries to calm his pounding heart. No danger. Safe. Stay.

''I didn't mean to startle you,'' the man says, his voice deep.

''Lucky for you I didn't break that arm,'' Tooru hisses. Behind the tall man, two other guys appear, looking at him with narrowed eyes.

''Lucky me,'' the man says and leaves. His companions follow him wordlessly, albeit not without throwing Tooru a dirty look over the shoulder.

Not long after that a guard collects him for the psychological test. He takes him to an office near the entrance and motions for him to get in. The psychologist doesn't pay him much attention when he enters. She continues typing for half a minute before looking up at him with bored eyes, motioning for him to sit down. She asks him questions in a monotone voice which he answers with all the charm he can muster. She isn't swooning.

It only takes half an hour and Tooru leaves the room again. The guard brings him to another office in a different corridor where he gets a workplace assigned. Laundry. Absolutely fantastic.

He doesn't need much of an introduction before he can go at it. Last time he got lucky and was assigned to help out in the library. Putting books in order and checking the inventory every once in a while was a simple but comfortable work. Putting dirty laundry in the washer on the other hand is tedious and unrewarding.

After work he goes to his cell and waits. Fifteen minutes before supper, Tanaka comes to get him. They don't talk much while walking down to the cellar. Tooru is pretty sure they aren't supposed to be here and reluctant to break any rules the first day he's here but the prospect of being part of a group has to be worth it. Lights are out already but Tanaka flicks them on again. The cheap halogen lights flicker, go on and off again, on and off. Down here it feels like time doesn't matter. He can't tell if it's dark outside already or if it's only dusk. That's the way it's supposed to be, Tooru guesses, because just around the corner, only separated by a bulletproof glass door and a half-asleep guard, are the isolation cells. An inmate's worst nightmare.

''Come on,'' Tanaka says, holding open a door that seemingly leads to nothing but darkness. Tooru steps inside and the door closes. Tanaka remains outside. For a moment he thinks he's been trapped. The door will be locked and he'll have to spend the night here. In the darkness he can only hear his own blood pumping through his veins, his heavy breathing. No light. Dusty air. Alone. _Run_.

His eyes adjust to the darkness and are drawn to a faint light source. There's another door. Tooru carefully walks towards it, his hand finds the door handle, and after taking in a steadying breath Tooru opens the door.

The first thing he notices is the smell of vanilla. It's sweet and heavy and he wrinkles his nose. The second thing he notices is the man leaning against a stack of chairs in the corner. There are chairs and tables everywhere. Next to the slender man is a tray with a few scented candles, the cause for Tooru's leaking eyes. He's allergic to vanilla and somehow he's pretty sure that this is no coincidence. Someone has had a look into his file, he guesses. Someone came prepared.

''They add to the atmosphere, don't you think?,'' the man speaks. When he turns around and looks at Tooru, he can't help but be surprised. After a second he composes his facial expression again but the other man still smiles, knowing.

It's the silver-haired, gently smiling guy from breakfast. The one Tooru had payed no mind at all. And all throughout breakfast, he's had time watching Tooru, studying him.

''So you're the top dog here,'' Tooru says, trying for casual.

It's not all that rare for the pretty gay guys – yes, Tooru is assuming, but he knows his own kind – to be on top of the hierarchy. Real prison isn't _Prison Break_. Fact is that here, in this world, guys don't care for male or female. They see a pretty enough guy and they try to get a taste of that. In some ways it's a courting process. Bonus points if the guy is gay and knows how to bottom. They're treated like gods. So yes, a young pretty gay guy as the top dog isn't uncommon, but the silver-haired guy, he just looks so soft. Too gentle and innocent. Tooru should've been more attentive and less shallow.

''I'm Suga. And you're Oikawa Tooru,'' Suga says, casually supporting his weight against the stack of chairs behind him. ''How can I help you?''

Tooru doesn't trust that friendliness for a second.

''I want to join your gang.''

Suga smiles at him softly, crossing his arms before his chest and tapping his pointer finger against his chin. It's almost mocking, the way he pretends to think about it. He knows Tooru needs to be back at the canteen for supper in about five minutes and that if he's late he'll be in trouble. Suga enforces dominance on him, showing him his place early on.

''I heard,'' Suga says eventually, ''but what can you offer me? Why would I want you?''

Tooru doesn't wilt, he holds eye contact, stance steady and defensive. He isn't built to bow his head. He was born a leader, after all.

''I'm persuasive. And smart. It's not my first time in prison, I know my way around. ''

Suga's face doesn't give away a thing. He is unreadable, but Tooru is unknowable.

''But can you obey?''

Tooru knows that after joining a prison gang you lose yourself. Your sense of self. In a gang you do not exist as an individual, you are one single thread in a tapestry and nothing more.

''Yes.''

Suga smiles. Tooru hates his face already. Too sweet.

''Welcome to the Crows, Oikawa. Let Tanaka explain to you how we work.''

Oikawa nods and turns to leave. Maybe he's already late for supper but if he hurries the consequences may not be too fatal. Or maybe, now that he's part of the Crows, he'll enjoy the benefits of being in a gang. The reason he wanted to join in the first place. He wants to have a pleasant time here, after all.

''Oh Oikawa, one more thing,'' Suga says. Oikawa is half-way out the door already. ''Just out of curiosity: why are you here? What did you do?''

Tooru hesitates before giving an answer. ''Counterfeiting. Got eight years.''

Suga nods, his eyes narrowing. ''That's it?''

''That's it.''

''Goodbye, Oikawa.''

The door closes behind him and he's back in the darkness. Tanaka is gone and he's late to supper. The guards deny him the food and he goes to his cell alone. He feels eyes on the back of his head but his nerves are soothed for now. Safe.

 

– – –

 

His first week is quiet. He wakes, he showers, he works, he sleeps. The routine is dull but the work helps Tooru to forget the outside. In lonesome moments he plays with the thought of calling Iwa-chan but decides against it every time.

The Crows consist of a bunch of weird guys. Some look like they belong in a daycare and others like they belong in a psychiatry. He learns that Tanaka is here for drag racing and seriously injuring a passerby. The long-haired man called Asahi has been involved with drugs pretty much all his life. With his father a relatively famous drug lord and his mother dead, he was raised in crime. He says it has only been a matter of time before they got him and that he's glad of being away from all of it. The tall blonde kid, Tsukishima, is a hacker. Not a good one, obviously, if they got him in the end. The youngest kid, Hinata, killed a guy because he sat behind the wheel drunk out of his mind. It had been his first time drinking alcohol and also his first time driving a car. The others are more or less boring for Tooru, but he'd die to know what Suga is in here for.

''I'd rather not tell,'' he says, when Tooru asks him.

While Suga's gentleness and soft-spoken words make his skin crawl, Oikawa greatly enjoys standing under his wing. The guards recognize him as a Crow by now and let him mostly do how he pleases.

One night he asks Tanaka about the other top dog he mentioned his first night.

''Don't mind him, he and his Swans don't stand a chance against Suga,'' Tanaka tells him proudly.

Tooru laughs at them being called the 'Swans' but still wonders how it's even possible to have two rivaling gangs if one of the bosses is inferior. He might ask again, some time, when Tanaka is in the mood for talking. Maybe after a call with his former cellmate, Noya. That usually manages to lift his spirits.

In his second week, on a Tuesday, Tooru is getting himself some soup when a man several years older than him approaches him from the side.

''Hey man,'' he says and Tooru already knows what's to come. He's dealt with advances almost every day since being here. He ignores the sleazy-looking guy. Probably in for tax evasion or other rich people crimes.

''How would you like being a little more comfy in here, hm?,'' he says, stepping closer. ''I have some great contacts, you know.''

''Oh, really,'' Tooru feints interest, ''You're a big shot out there?''

The guys grins lazily, still too close for Tooru's liking. ''You could say that,'' he says.

Tooru gets his bowl of soup and puts it on his tray. With his soup secure he turns around to face the guy. He's got little hair on the back of his head and his glasses are crooked.

''Well, in here you're nothing and I'm sure as hell not interested.''

Most of the guys that approach him take their cue and leave but not this dude, it seems. Maybe he's one of the men that think persistence is their way to the inside of his pants.

''C'mon,'' he says, putting his hand on Tooru's ass, ''I'll suck your cock if you let me have some fun with this.''

A second after those words leave his mouth he's lying on the floor, face down, the hand that was previously on Tooru's ass now twisted and on his back in a lock. Tooru is sitting on his lower back, keeping him in place. He leans forward to whisper in the man's ear.

''If you touch me again I will make sure that you will never be able to have fun with your pathetic little wiener ever again,'' he hisses.

There's noise around him and he knows he's thrown himself into trouble again. He lets go of the man and takes a step back, his hands in the air. Looking around he sees he's got the attention of the whole hall, three guards making their way toward him.

The man who's arm he almost broke in his first week here stands a couple of meters in front of him, eyes on him, face serious. Then the guards reach him.

''He molested me, it was self-defense,'' Tooru says loud and clear. The guards look doubtful but instead of answering him they turn to the other man.

''Can you attest that?''

The man looks at Tooru, looks at the bastard still lying on the floor, clumsily trying to get back on his feet, face pale.

''Yes, I can.''

The guards nod and take to the sleazy asshole who's currently clambering away, trying to escape. Tooru doesn't pay him any attention, instead focusing on the man who's still looking at him, attentive, almost as if in awe.

After a moment he speaks. ''You're lucky I don't hold grudges.''

Tooru scoffs. ''Lucky me,'' he says and walks away. Now at least they're even.

 

– – –

 

The next day at work a red-haired, lanky kid and a guy with an awkward bowl-cut approach him. They make their way through moving bodies, laundry baskets and laundry carts before being in hearing distance. The washing machines are loud and make having a normal conversation difficult. Tooru's never tried talking to his workmates, though, he doesn't care much for them.

''Wakatoshi wants to meet you,'' Redhead says. His eyes seem too big for his head and his lanky, long limbs make him look almost comical. The orange of the uniform clashes angrily with the color of his hair.

''And who is that?,'' Tooru says, disinterested, he's just trying to fill another washer with another load. He'd be glad for the distraction if the two guys had at least something interesting to say.

''Our boss, Ushijima. He wants you with the Swans,'' Bowl-Cut chimes in. His eyebrows are pulled down in an angry frown, standing in a stark contrast with his funny hair.

''You call yourselves the Swans, how cute,'' Tooru says, turning his back to them. ''Tell your boss to suck his own dick.''

''So it's a no?,'' Redhead asks, unfazed.

''Yeah, it's a no,'' Tooru says.

''You're with the Crows, right? That's weird, normally they don't take in outsiders.''

Tooru moves to look at them. Redhead is leaning on Bowl-Cut, his arm thrown over his shoulder and his head resting on Bowl-Cut's in a childish manner but Bowl-Cut doesn't seem to bother, maybe long used to the guy's antics.

''I'm special, I guess. Now go your way, bye bye.''

Somehow Tooru has the gut feeling that this wasn't a good sign. Somehow he thinks if Suga heard of this brief interaction and the Swan's interest in having him in their gang, he'll be in trouble. He looks around but none of the Crows are anywhere nearby. He'll simply forget that the last five minutes happened. He's already forgotten the name of the Swan's boss. Ushiwaka, or something.

 

– – –

 

A few days later he has already stopped thinking about his encounter with the Swans. He's gotten used to having Tanaka around him in the evenings and mornings. He stands next to him in the shower room, too, so no other asshole tries his luck with him. Sure, Tooru can defend himself just fine, but he sure as hell would appreciate feeling comfortable when he's naked under the shower spray. So he's at least thankful for that. Otherwise the Crows haven't exactly done much for him yet. He's thought about whether or not it would be okay for him to ask for things like coffee, good toothpaste and lotion but thus far, he hasn't worked up the nerve to go to Suga for it. Maybe he has to stay down a while, prove himself a loyal member before getting anything in reward.

It's lunch time and instead of talking most men just dig in. Thirty minutes aren't much so the first priority is getting the food in, if there's still time after they'll socialize.

Tooru thinks about asking Tanaka what he's doing for work and if Suga helped him getting something better than doing laundry, when he puts the fork to his mouth and something way too sharp for being mashed potatoes cuts his bottom lip. Slowly he lowers the fork and his eyes catch something shiny. With his fingertip he digs through the mashed potatoes only to find – a small razor blade. Not believing his eyes he turns it between his fingers. The metal is warmed by the food and rusty. _Used_.

Asahi looks at him with worried eyes from across the table. With his fork Tooru digs through the potatoes on his plate only to find one, two, three more small blades. Shocked, he looks around, no one else seems to have any problems with their food, eating mindlessly. Asahi is still looking at him with wide eyes. Tooru throws a look to the canteen personal but none of them is looking his way. He searches the table, no one meets his eyes. At the far corner of the hall he spots red spiky hair and next to him a black bowl-cut.

''The Swans are trying to kill me,'' he mutters, blinking quickly.

'' _Whaff_?,'' Tanaka asks, mouth full. Instead of answering, Tooru points at his plate, the rest of his food and the sharp metal of four razor blades, neatly put side by side.

''Dude,'' Tanaka says, mouth hanging open.

''The Swans,'' Tooru says, a little panicky, ''the Swans approached me the other day, I sent them away of course but I guess they're angry I refused to join them. _Fuck_.''

''Talk to Suga about it, man, maybe he can help.''

Asahi has reluctantly continued eating, inspecting every forkful. Nobody else has noticed his panic.

''Nah,'' Tooru says, ''I'll handle it myself.''

 

– – –

 

For the next couple of days, Tooru keeps an eye on Redhead and Bowl-Cut. If they notice him observing them, they don't show it. Maybe they think he's changed his mind and wants to join the Swans after all. He's tempted to ask Tanaka who this Ushiwaka is but he doesn't dare. Tanaka might not be the sharpest tool in the box but even he could make the connection. Tooru doesn't want the others to think he's thinking of switching sides. You only leave a prison gang by dying, after all.

Nothing else happens, though. After a week and a half, Tooru feels relatively safe again. He's wary, yes, but not paranoid. By now he even takes into perspective that some asshole he's rejected might have put the razor blades into his food. Then again, to mingle with the canteen stuff you've got to have some influence. Or money. Or drugs.

Tooru doesn't feel threatened, though. He's had his fair share of murder attempts and vague threats in his life. The first time was, maybe, when he was four and the daughter of his father's business partners wanted the ball Tooru was playing with and held a switch knife to his throat. Those were the kind of childhood memories he fondly thought back to.

One load finished, Tooru put another into the washer. It's an easy, repetitive work and he hates it with all he's got. He doesn't know what the other Crows are doing for work but he'll ask them one of these days, see what Suga can do about it.

When he put the clean bed sheets on the laundry cart he suddenly gets the feeling that someone is watching him. When he turns his head, he only catches a retreating figure, walking towards the stairs and away from the washing machines.

For the rest of the day and the day after, Tooru can't shake off the feeling that he's being watched. But whenever he looks around he only sees shadows, a bowed head, a turned back. One time during breakfast he imagines seeing a familiar face in the crowd. Goosebumps run down his back. But that can't be possible. He's left those faces behind.

 

– – –

 

He's putting stacks of clean sheets into the cupboards of the storage room, already late in the day when he hears footsteps approaching. He doesn't think much about it until he hears the door close. And lock. Before even checking who's in here with him, Tooru looks around, searching for potential weapons. Bed sheets. And pillows. He hears a throat clearing.

''Hello Oikawa.''

Tooru then looks at the two figures blocking his way out. One tall and slender, one slightly smaller and broader. The familiar faces he's left behind.

''Shigeru-chan, Mad-Dog-chan, it's been so long,'' Oikawa says. All his instincts scream _run, run, run_ at him, the adrenaline pumping through his veins, fogging up his mind.

''Yeah, enjoy the view, asshole,'' Mad-Dog snarls. ''The last thing you'll see will be me spitting in your face. You'll wish you would've swallowed those razor blades when I'm done with you.''

Shigeru puts a hand on his shoulder, Tooru doubts it's to calm him down, rather to hold him back. So now he has names to the shadows that haunted him the last couple of days. Not the Swans after all. Tooru remembers the days when Shigeru looked at him with adoration, was eager to learn, to repay his debt. Tooru had never looked at it as debt. When he saw Shigeru in that... _hell_ all dolled up but just still a boy, he knew he couldn't leave him there. In a soft moment, he bought him and brought him home.

''Shigeru-chan, why the ill-intend? Have you forgotten who got you out of that whorehouse?,'' Tooru says. It sounds cruel because it is.

Mad-Dog growls angrily and makes a step in Tooru's direction.

''Nuh-uh-uh, Mad-Dog-chan. I know you're just doing your duty as his guard dog but let's not forget who taught you everything you know,'' Tooru says, grinning challengingly.

''But there's two of us and only one of you,'' Mad-Dog says, taunting. They get closer and Tooru has yet to find something he can defend himself with. He knows Mad-Dog has no problem with beating someone to death, even less if it's Tooru. He's hated Tooru's guts from the very beginning, the only thing he ever thanked Tooru for was bringing back Shigeru that one day. He'd given Shigeru a home and food and a purpose and unknowingly the love of his life. So this s how it feels being betrayed, getting a taste of his own poison.

''What is this even about?,'' Tooru presses out through clenched teeth.

Shigeru looks wild at that, his eyes narrowed and full of hate. This isn't the Shigeru he left behind. Tooru briefly wonders what they've done to get here.

''You left him. He would've done anything for one kind word from you and you left him there to die.''

The words pierce right through his skin. In here, Tooru found himself safe. He can easily suppress his past in the safety of these walls. This building, the small patch of grass outside till the high fence caging them here – this is their entire world. Nothing from outside gets in and nothing from inside gets out. At least not for a long time. And here they are, bringing his past into his personal safe haven.

''We were both self-responsible. We had to leave and he just wasn't fast enough.''

Mad-Dog spits at his feet.

''Oh so he locked the door himself? From the outside? For once in your life stop fucking lying, Oikawa,'' Shigeru says. ''You wanted to get rid of him but guess what. He survived.''

There's no way- _how_? The last thing he was told was that the kid was too badly wounded, that his chances of surviving were short to zero. That Tooru had _done it_.

''What,'' Tooru says dumbly.

''He pulled through. And because of a stupid little police mistake he's free, too.''

This was too much, no, that couldn't-

''How nice. He's back with you, then. Replaced me right away, my precious protege.''

He sounds bitter even to his own ears.

''He's not with us,'' Mad-Dag says, voice impatient. ''Doesn't have any trust in us anymore. Congrats, because of your fucking jealousy and pettiness we lost two members.''

Tooru's breath is getting shorter and shorter. He broke that kid. That kid that has nobody in the world and lived for Seijoh. Sure, he's an arrogant asshole but he was trying to get better and Tooru knew that- knew how hard he tried. Growing up without comfort, love, warmth does things to people. The kid was trying and learning and getting better and Tooru fed him to the dogs. Because he was jealous. And while he is aware of what he did, nobody has ever confronted him with the hard truth.

''But why kill me and dirty your hands,'' Tooru says. ''Just let me rot in here. As soon as I'm out I'm a dead man anyway.''

Shigeru's face twisted in an angry grimace, his nostrils flaring. ''You're a spineless, disloyal, selfish, arrogant asshole and you're a loose end. We both know you'll do anything to save your ass. You're too dangerous alive.''

Red, hot panic creeps up Tooru's back. Run. _Run_. ''They'll know who did it, they'll make the connections.''

His voice is edging on desperate, sounding shrill and breathless.

Mad-Dog grins sickly, ''they won't. You taught us well. Iwaizumi-san, too.''

''Okay, kill me. Do it. But fucking leave Iwa-chan out of this, he hasn't done an-''

In that moment the door flies open, crashing against the wall with a loud _pang_. Shigeru and Mad-Dog act immediately: Mad-Dog hides his knife in his sleeve and Shigeru plasters a disgusting, fake smile onto his face. Tooru couldn't have done it any better.

''What's going on? You're not supposed to be in here,'' a long-time inmate who manages the laundry says. Tooru's never been more thankful to see his ugly mug.

He uses this moment to run. Finally giving in to the itch that's been bothering him since discovering razor blades in his food. He continues running even after he's left the cellar. Across the hall, up the stairs, down the corridor and into the safety of his cell. Fuck dinner. Fuck the consequences. He's sitting on his bed, motionless, taking in too much air, mind empty apart from _run, run, run_. He sits there for a long time, unblinking and unresponsive.

When Tanaka returns he immediately notices that something is wrong. He sits down at the edge of his bed, looking at Tooru expectantly. After a minute of pressing silence, Tooru has made his decision.

''I have to talk to Suga.''

 

– – –

 

Half an hour before supper, Tooru makes his way down the cellar. He tries to be sneaky but technically he doesn't have to worry. The guards all know that Suga has his business place down here and they don't mind familiar faces walking around here. But still, Tooru doesn't trust the guards and neither does he trust Suga.

He opens the door to the dark room. Why there has to be a dark room, he doesn't know. Maybe so that unknowing people think that there's nothing there and leave again. Maybe it has to do with intimidation.

Tentatively, Tooru knocks on the door leading to Suga's office. When no one answers him he opens it a few inches and peeks inside.

''Did you hear me say 'come in'? Where are your manners, Oikawa-san?,'' Suga says as a form of greeting. Tsukishima and Hinata are there with him, looking at Tooru expectantly.

''I'm terribly sorry, Suga-san, shall I wait?,'' Tooru asks.

''Come in, Oikawa,'' Suga says, his voice sounding distinctly less sweet. ''How can I help you today?''

Tooru walks into the room, keeping some distance between himself and Suga. Hinata and Tsukishima share a look Tooru doesn't bother reading.

''Someone is trying to kill me,'' Tooru says. ''I had razor blades in my food and two men visited me at work yesterday.''

Suga's eyes widen insignificantly. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

''I'm sorry to hear that, Oikawa-san, but how does that concern me?,'' Suga says, his voice empathetic. Hinata moves to stand directly next to Suga, whispering something in his ear. Suga pats his head gently. Tooru just stares at him for a minute.

''Excuse me?,'' he says eventually.

''If someone is trying to kill _you_ , how does that concern _me_?,'' Suga repeats, as if Tooru was too simple to understand him the first time. Tsukishima snickers from across the room. He knows he can't compare gangs - every gang is different after all – but if someone tried to kill a member of Seijoh, Tooru would fight toe and nail to find the bastard and kill them, slowly, painfully. At least. Before.

''Your protection,'' Tooru says, ''Can you give me protection?''

Suga laughs and it sounds like bells ringing and angels singing and hell freezing over. Tooru feels like puking.

''The Crows don't want to make enemies. I can tell you're tangled in a great mess. Who knows, maybe it would actually be better to get rid of you. I've heard about you, Oikawa,'' Suga says and the way he looks at Tooru – the way the others are looking at Tooru – says all.

Tooru feels cold all over. He doesn't remember turning around and leaving, most likely making a run for it. That's the only constant in his life, he realizes bitterly.

Walls. Gray walls all around him with no way of escaping. He's stuck with nowhere to run to, the world outside a vague memory he desperately tries to forget. In here the outside world is nothing but smoke and mirrors. The minute you start counting days you're fucked. Tooru's fucked.

Tooru doesn't sit with the Crows, he sits with some guys he knows from work who merely tolerate him, probably secretly hoping he'll offer himself up, making a deal with them. They're not talking and Tooru's not eating. Instead, he's searching the tables for four faces. He's not finding the ones he's looking for, instead his eyes rest on Redhead and a Bowl-Cut.

They find him, though. Before moving up the stairs to his cell, he notices Shigeru and Mad-Dog standing on the lowest step, eerily similar expressions on their faces. From Shigeru's finger dangles a heavy-looking key. Looking like the ones the guards- .

''Sleep tight, Oikawa,'' Shigeru says, wicked grin on his lips, Mad-Dog mirroring him perfectly.

Tooru's so, so fucked.

 

– – –

 

Tanaka doesn't talk to him anymore. There's pity in his eyes but Tooru ignores it, pity is the last thing he wants. He's stopped sleeping. At night, he lies awake, listening for every sound, for footsteps getting closer or the door unlocking. Sometimes he can't help himself and falls asleep. Waking up with a yelp and sweaty clothes is routine after the third night. Of course they didn't come the first night, they want him to be scared, to make him want to crawl out of his skin, to humiliate him before killing him. Maybe he's taught them a little too well.

Whenever Tooru has the chance to take a look at himself in the mirror, he doesn't. The pale face with its hollow cheeks and thick dark circles beneath the eyes doesn't look anything like him. Or maybe it's what he' looked like on the inside all along. Ugly and pathetic. Tired and used.

After the fifth night of this, Tooru looks for red hair and a bowl-cut in the canteen. When he finds them, they're just entering the hall, chatting with a tall and incredibly pretty man with pale hair and dyed tips.

''I want to meet your boss,'' Tooru says, ''Ushiwaka or whatever his name is.''

Bowl-Cut looks pissed off, pretty man more surprised than anything else.

''Ohhh, how the turns have tabled,'' Redhead coos, voice too loud for Tooru's taste. ''The lost sheep looks for a new herd, huh? Did the last one abandon you?''

Tooru grits his teeth, his jaw tense and clenched. ''Can I meet your boss, yes or no?''

Redhead laughs. ''I'll ask him! Be patient, little lamby-lamb.''

Tooru makes a fist, his knuckles cracking but he nods. It isn't a choice at all.

 

– – –

 

Another restless night, another sweaty awakening. The shadows underneath his eyes are absurd, no concealer in the world could cover them up. He thinks of taking matters into his own hands, thinks about how he won't let them humiliate him further, thinks of how he could make all of this end if only he could abandon his pride.

''It's your lucky day, little lamb! Wakatoshi still agrees to meeting you. But dress up a little, orange isn't your color and you want to make an impression, don't you?''

Redhead approaches him during lunch. Relief is pouring out of Tooru but he tries not to show it, he has to remain composed, collected. If people like them smell his helplessness they'll shamelessly use it in their favor. Tooru knows, he's been there before.

''Haha,'' he says dryly. ''When?''

''Tonight, before bedtime,'' Bowl-Cut says. ''You'll wait in front of that door. You see it? Don't go in, just wait there. We'll get you.''

''Looking forward to it,'' Tooru says, putting a forkful of stew in his mouth.

 

– – –

 

They blindfold him. Under normal circumstances, Tooru wouldn't have let them. With no other choice, he memorizes every step and turn they take, he tries to remember the different smells, too, the texture of the walls, just in case he has to escape. Helplessness doesn't really suit him, Tooru thinks.

After five minutes of blindly being led to what seems to be the core of the building, a door opens and he is shoved inside. It's a little warmer in here, a little lighter too. It's quiet. Someone takes off the blindfold and leaves the room, the door closing behind them. Tooru opens his eyes, the light temporarily binding him, and there he is. Ushiwaka.

''Hello Oikawa,'' he greets him in the same deep voice.

''What a surprise,'' Tooru says.

It's the man whose arm he's almost broken, he wished he had broken. The one attesting for him when that sleazy bastard felt him up. Strong jawline, serious eyes.

''Tendou said you wanted to meet me,'' Ushiwaka says.

Tooru looks around. It's different than Suga's office. Smaller but definitely not a storage room. Plain walls and plain furniture, dark and old. There's a heavy-looking, wooden desk with a lamp on it in the corner, tinting the room in a soft light. There's a shelf with books, a mini fridge even. Two doors but no windows.

''I want to join your gang,'' Tooru says. He doesn't have time to sweet-talk, time is steadily running thin. Mad-Dog and Shigeru will grow bloodthirsty rather sooner than later.

''I don't have a gang,'' Ushiwaka says and of course he doesn't make it easy.

Tooru purses his lips, crossing his arms before his chest. ''Your little group of friends then. I want to join you.''

Ushiwaka looks at him openly, leaning back so he's half-sitting on the desk. ''Why?''

Tooru doesn't like how relaxed he is, how open his face looks, like he's got nothing to hide, nothing to fear, nothing to lose. The orange pants and shirt actually fit him properly, tight over his chest and arms but not uncomfortable-looking. Tooru is drowning in fabric. He feels childish in his too big clothes and with his bitten bottom lip, standing here thin and nude, and he hates how there is no pity in Ushiwaka's eyes.

''There are two guys here that want to kill me. They have tried twice already. Or maybe those two were just warning shots, who knows. But they're serious now. Suga refuses to protect me. I don't wanna die, okay.''

Meet honesty with truth. Tooru takes a deep steadying breath. He could've lied, he could've tried flattery or could've offered other services. Could have, yes.

''There are lots of people wanting to kill you. Outside and in, I heard.''

Tooru sighs – _tick tock_. ''You've done your research.''

''Yes,'' Ushiwaka nods, ''you are-''

''A spineless, disloyal, selfish, arrogant asshole. I know, okay. I won't beg,'' Tooru interrupts him. There's a ticking in his ear, _tick tock_ , and even with his abundance of time in here, he has no time left at all, _tick tock_.

''I don't like being interrupted,'' Ushiwaka says calmly, brows furrowed. ''I heard your story and I don't think you're disloyal. I think you just need to be given a good reason to stay.''

''Really,'' Tooru says, unimpressed. Ushiwaka doesn't acknowledge his raised brow.

''The Iwaizumis. You grew up with them but you're not related, are you.''

Tooru tenses, ''leave them out of this.''

It sounds as much as a threat as it is. He's just threatened his only hope of having at least eight more years of his life.

''They gave you a good reason, I reckon, so you stayed with them. Would die for them, as it seems.''

Tooru feels the thin ice beneath his feet, the cold climbing up his legs, paralyzing him, and he feels it cracking under his heavy weight, the heavy weight of Ushiwaka's eyes on him, the heavy tension between them.

''You'd be a valuable asset, Oikawa. I hope I will find a reason to make you stay,'' Ushiwaka says, walking around the desk and sitting down in the chair. ''You'll be granted full protection but you will work for me. You will join Semi and help him with smuggling. I expect you to give yourself to us fully. We're a family.''

''Yes, of course,'' and as an afterthought, ''thank you.''

Ushiwaka's eyes don't leave him for several more moments. Tooru feels like suffocating in this windowless room, with his throat dry and mind clouded with relief and Ushiwaka's gaze on him. Tooru swallows thickly.

''Thank you,'' Tooru repeats, sincerely. The left corner of Ushiwaka's mouth lifts – not quite a smile but close – and he nods.

The door opens and he's escorted out, no blindfold this time. They bring him to his cell door, giving Tanaka a meaningful look as he opens his mouth to protest.

One more night. One more eternity of sleeplessness and nightmares.

Tooru breathes.

 

– – –

 

The morning after, a guard informs him that he will be switching rooms. He stands in the doorway while Tooru packs his few belongings. He doesn't look Tanaka's direction when he leaves, doesn't say goodbye. They haven't exchanged a single word after Suga's – Suga's what exactly? _Betrayal_? _Judgment_? Tooru ponders about this for only a second, then decides he does no longer care.

''Why am I changing rooms?''

No answer. Tooru huffs, annoyed.

He's being led to the highest floor and down the longest corridor. The last cell door to the left stands wide open. It's quiet up here, and empty. There are no men whistling, shouting or brawling. The walls are white, as if freshly painted, and it smells clean, somehow. Tooru briefly wonders if there's actually anyone living here but then realizes that yes, this is where the long-term inmates have their cells. Those with little hope of ever getting out. _Murderers_.

They stop in front of the open door. The room looks like the one he's just moved out of. Two cots, two shelves, one sink, one toilet. The difference is that there are actual books on one of the shelves, and the walls are bare. And on one of the cots sits Ushiwaka. Hands folded in his lab, relaxed posture.

''What's going on,'' Tooru asks as the guard nods at Ushiwaka and then leaves.

Ushiwaka stands up, tall and broad and so, so steady.

''You asked for protection,'' he says, slowly. ''I will protect you.''

The hair on his arms stands up at those words and Tooru doesn't know why.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck Trump, have Prison Gays instead.


	2. Common People with Common Problems

Oikawa blinks his eyes open in the dim morning light to the sounds of – well.

''Lovely,'' he groans. ''What a lovely sound to wake up to. The sound of pissing.''

He buries his face in the flat pillow, trying to ignore the insistent sound of water hitting the bowl. It's been a long night for Tooru. Before bedtime, they didn't talk much, mainly because Tooru refused to acknowledge the other man. How much could you trust someone who ended the life of another person? Ushijima had given him space and didn't press.

''Should I have waited?,'' Ushiwaka asks and weirdly, his voice sounds sincere.

''Ugh, it's too early for your honesty that sounds like sass but isn't,'' Oikawa mutters, turning around so he's not longer facing the wall. Even though Ushiwaka had assured him he'd be safe here, Tooru had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Throughout the night he woke every time his ears picked on a sound. He was restless and wary. The thing is that he trusts Ushiwaka as much as he trusts Suga – not at all. Ushiwaka with his calm demeanor and composed words. Tooru is incredibly curious about what the man has done to be here, on the fourth floor.

''Okay,'' Ushiwaka says and returns to his cot. It's still some minutes before five, technically they could sleep a little longer, but Tooru trusts him even less awake than asleep.

''Ugh,'' he says instead and rolls out of bed. He walks to the small sink and washes his face. The mirror above the basin is tiny but big enough for Tooru to inspect his colorless face. He looks old.

''Why did it have to be you, why not the red-haired psycho?,'' Tooru asks, still looking at his reflection.

''Don't call him that,'' Ushiwaka's voice sounds stern, finite. ''Tendou is watching over the new inmates. He doesn't have time to watch over you.''

''And Bowl-Cut?'' Tooru isn't all that picky, really. At least not in a situation like this. What irks him the most about Ushiwaka, though, is that he's obviously stronger than Tooru. In a fair fight, he probably wouldn't stand a chance. Ushiwaka is taller and broader, his biceps bigger and his thighs stronger. He wouldn't be top dog if he was lacking the technique, either. Tooru hated that. Against Tendou or Goshiki he at least had a fair chance of winning in a fight.

''Goshiki still makes too many mistakes,'' Ushiwaka says. ''If you want full protection, you will have to get used to my presence.''

It's not a threat but it could be. Tooru has to be careful with his words and actions. If he manages to disgruntle Ushiwaka he'll have nobody and everybody will come for his pathetic ass.

''So what can I expect? Am I supposed to stay inside here all day? Are you going to bring me food to bed? I might like that, to be honest,'' Tooru says, trying flirtatious.

''No,'' Ushiwaka says firmly, looking at him. ''We need to know exactly who it is that wants you dead, you will go about your day like before.''

Tooru turns away from his reflection, leaning against the sink so he can look at Ushiwaka.

''I already know who wants me dead,'' he says. ''but how is going on like before protection?''

Ushiwaka cocks his head to the side. ''I will be with you at all times.''

There is that honesty again, like Tooru missed something. Ushiwaka presupposes and Tooru knows he'll have to learn to keep up to not look like a fool.

''Oh great. You'll be the dog I always wanted. Oh wait, that's right, I've always been more of a cat kind of guy,'' he laughs. Ushiwaka doesn't, his face unreadable. Tooru will have to work on that, too.

''I thought you didn't want to die. Did that change?''

Again, a threat that isn't one. Tooru is overstepping and Ushiwaka has this subtle way of reigning him in again. But somehow, Tooru is doubting Ushiwaka is doing it on purpose.

''Jeez, no, okay, I get it. Partner system, I'll hold your hand and you'll hold mine.''

Ushiwaka looks at Tooru with furrowed brows. His chin is resting in his palm, his eyes are evaluating, thoughtful. Tooru looks back stubbornly. For a moment, they're quiet.

Ushijima finally shifts. ''I don't think hand-holding will be necessary.''

Tooru waits a second, two, three but Ushiwaka doesn't laugh. He's being serious, seriously evaluating whether or not- .

With a deep groan Tooru lets himself fall back onto his mattress. How this guy managed to become the head of a prison gang, he doesn't know.

 

– – –

 

Taking a shower shouldn't be any different than usual. Weirdly enough, it still is.

As they make their way to the shower room – standing in line, one behind another – Tooru can't help but feel Ushiwaka's presence walking behind him, barely any room between them. He knows _eyes above the shoulders, never look down_ but the knowledge of walking butt-naked in front of him, Ushiwaka being butt-naked behind him, it's just different. Maybe it's because of Tooru's distrust.

It doesn't change inside of the shower room. Ushijima stands beside him, water pouring down on his broad shoulders, drops running down between his shoulder blades and the expanse of his chest. Tooru swallows.

Ushiwaka is undoubtedly attractive and it's been so long. He averts his eyes, of course he does, if he's caught staring the consequences might be painful. Whether or not Ushiwaka likes cock is still a mystery to Tooru. Usually, he's quite good at determining if someone swings his way or not, but it's difficult with Ushiwaka.

It's oh so tempting to get a look, a tiny glimpse, of what Ushiwaka has. _No. Stop_. Tooru is scrubbing himself down quickly and thoroughly, trying to wash away his dirty thoughts. He can't let himself think that way. Yes, Ushiwaka is hot, yes it's been too long, but self-control is important.

The water pressure is low but every drop hitting Tooru's head causes a tiny echo in his brain. He should've tried to get more sleep. Everything seems exaggerated with a migraine. It doesn't help with keeping his mind focused, either.

And then Ushiwaka is turning his way, just a little bit, barely, and Tooru can't stop his eyes from falling down, down. Ushiwaka has his eyes closed, rubbing the shampoo into his dark hair, unaware of Tooru's hungry gaze. For a second he lets himself look.

He almost whimpers.

 

– – –

 

At breakfast, Tooru rubs his temples, massaging them with his fingertips to ease the pulsing of his headache. His eyelids feel heavy as he lets his eyes wander over the tables, searching for Kyoutani and Shigeru. They're sitting a few tables down, not looking at him. His brain feels too foggy and mushy to formulate a plan to avoid them for... the rest of his sentence, probably. The noise is killing him, why do men have to be so loud all of the time? Forks and knives scraping on plates, Tendou's obnoxiously loud voice and the others cackling at his antics. Why can't they eat their sloppily prepared pancakes and drink their lukewarm tea in silence like sophisticated criminals?

''Fuck,'' Tooru mutters under his breath. He can't do this for much longer.

Ushiwaka who is sitting next to him stops eating. ''Is something wrong?,'' he asks.

''I haven't slept in days,'' Tooru admits, ''my head is killing me.''

A look of surprise flashes over Ushiwaka's face before it vanishes again. ''Why? I told you it's safe with me. No one can get into our cell.''

Tooru knows this. Ushiwaka has shown him the night before. Ushiwaka can lock his cell from the inside, benefits for being the boss, apparently. Tooru wonders if Suga has additional locks, too. In comparison, Tooru notices, Suga is lacking quite a few essential things the Swans seem to have. Like a real office. Contacts. Influence.

''I just can't get my mind to chill, I don't know, might be because several people would love to see me dead,'' Tooru says, ruffling his own hair. He'd love to have some hair products. Just a little bit of hair wax to order his unruly waves.

''Take a sleeping pill tonight,'' Ushiwaka says, as if it was that easy.

''Haha, you're incredibly funny, you know,'' Tooru says, annoyed with Ushiwaka's simplicity.

''If you want to sleep, maybe you should say a little prayer at the chapel today. I'll take you.''

Ushijima looks at him with an almost-smile and Tooru wonders if he had smiled more outside. He himself definitely has. He also wonders how long Ushiwaka has been here already, and how long he still has to stay. He wonders if Ushiwaka is one of the many constants in this gray-walled world.

 

– – –

 

Tooru doesn't only change rooms, as he's told later that day, he also changes work. From now on he'll work with Ushiwaka in the library and he's incredibly grateful for that. Ushiwaka does business from there and Tooru actually does library work. It's not bad.

Tooru sorts in lent books, putting them back in order. Ushiwaka walks by every other minute while Tooru pretends to not notice him. He knows Ushiwaka is checking on him and he also knows it's ridiculous how often he does it. But he isn't going to complain. It's reassuring in a way, to know that someone is there and looking out for him.

Around noon Tooru calls for Ushiwaka to help him put books on the shelf he can't reach and he helps him, sorts the stack of books in without question or complain. Bowl-Cut stares at Tooru with his mouth hanging open. Tooru likes that look on him very much.

He gets to know the other members of the Swans, too, gets introduced to them one by one and earns a handful of skeptical looks. He also learns that Ushiwaka isn't actually called Ushiwaka, but Ushijima. Good thing he still has to directly address him. Ushijima Wakatoshi. He might has to do some research on that name.

 

– – –

 

They finish up early and Ushijima makes true to his word and takes him to the chapel. It's in the same corridor the psychologist has her office.

They stop in front of a simple wooden swing door. ''I'll wait here,'' Ushijima tells him.

Tooru steps inside and the smell of something spicy hits his nose. It's not incense, for all he knows. Inside it doesn't look much different from hospital chapels. A couple wooden banks forming three rows in front of a simple altar. There are fake windows with fake stained-glass painted onto them and all over there's minimal decorations. A couple of vases with wilting flowers stand in every other corner, giving a dull picture.

For a moment Tooru just stands in the middle of it. He's not really supposed to pray, is he? Is Ushijima that kind of person? The praying kind? He really should know better though; there is no god for people like them, they have to be their own gods in the end. But maybe Ushijima is hopeful, maybe he found solace in religion when he came here.

''Hello? Anybody here?,'' Tooru tries. There are no crosses in their cell, not even a bible or any other holy scripture for that matter. Ushijima can't be religious.

A moment later a door in the far corner of the chapel opens and a man appears, clad in black with that white little thingy at the neck. His hair is really – strawberry pink. Unusual, to say the least.

''Who is it today that found god? How can I help you, son?,'' the priest says, opening his arms wide. At least until he looks at Tooru.

''No fucking way,'' Tooru says, eyes wide.

''Jesus fucking christ, I thought I'd seen the last of your motherfucking pretty face,'' the man drops his arms and walks towards Tooru with quick steps.

''What are you doing here, Makki? Why are you dressed like a priest?,'' Tooru asks incredulously. They meet in the middle hugging each other tightly.

''I found god, young Padawan. We're all his children,'' Hanamaki says with a wicked grin. They're reunited for barely a minute and Tooru wants to squish his face already.

''Cut the shit, Makki. The moment you die, you'll go straight to hell.''

Makki laughs at that, patting Tooru's back more or less gently.

''Alright, alright, asshole. Sit down and confess your sins to me,'' Makki says and gestures to one of the wooden benches. They sit down, Tooru still in shock of seeing one of his best friends in this hellhouse.

''Yeah no, I won't be doing that, asshat,'' Tooru chuckles.

''Please,'' Hanamaki says, one hand above his heart, ''call me father.''

Tooru wants to puke, he really does, but he also wants to smother his friend's face with kisses. God, he's missed him.

''Okay then. Daddy, I have sinned. Why are you here?,'' Tooru asks. Hanamaki laughs loudly at that, slapping Tooru's thigh with painful affection. He hasn't changed one bit. Then he calms down again, putting on a semi-composed expression, the closest Hanamaki gets to being serious.

''Seijoh had to expand business, you know. After you and Kage- ,'' Tooru flinches at that.

''You left a cleaving hole,'' Hanamaki continues, unbothered. ''We needed to do something to save ourselves. So we thought why not infiltrate the system? Cooperate with other gangs and all that jazz. God moves in mysterious ways and he led us here.''

Tooru knew that Seijoh was struggling long before he went to jail. They were very picky with their members and the police did everything in their might to make their lives difficult. Tooru was quite sure that they had a mole. Who and how, he didn't have time to figure out before they got busted. That night in the factory when Tooru was caught.

''And you were the best pick for the role of priest? Why not send the devil himself?,'' Tooru teases, shaking off the memory of fire and gunshots and police sirens.

''Oh I missed you, Oikawa,'' Hanamaki said, smiling softly and caressing Tooru's cheeks mockingly, ''But at the same time I want to punch you.''

Tooru slaps his hand away, laughing. ''That's fair, I guess,'' he says.

An awkward silence spreads between them after the double-meaning hit them.

''Why did you do it, Tooru,'' Hanamaki asks, voice serious for a change. Tooru swallows hard.

''I don't know,'' he says, exhaling shakily, ''I really don't know. I acted on my instincts, I guess. I just. He was getting better at my job than I was. And I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. I thought he'd soon replace me and that I would be cut, and I blacked out. Seijoh is all I have. All I had.''

He's looking at his hands in his lap, not ready to meet Hanamki's disapproving, disappointed eyes.

''Holy shit, Oikawa, do you really think we would've got rid of you? We're not just fucking co-workers, we're friends, dammit.''

Tooru deserves the scolding, the harsh tone. He needs that. No one has actually just shouted at him, told him that he fucked up. No one even showed up to his court hearing. Not even Iwa-chan. So being scolded now feels relieving, freeing really.

''A little too late for that, though, isn't it. I'm here and so are Kyoutani and Yahaba,'' Tooru says, slumping forward.

''What? Why? Why is nobody telling me shit? I'm a priest god damn it, people should tell me shit,'' Hanamaki complains, throwing his hands in the air, exasperated.

''I have no idea why they're here, I just know that they want me dead,'' Tooru says, sounding defeated and tired. Hanamki's eyes widen considerably. ''But I'm with the Swans now, they're protecting me. Ushiwaka is waiting outside, actually.''

Hanamaki's eyes widen even more at that.

''Ushijima Wakatoshi is protecting you? Shit, dude, shit,'' Hanamaki says, folding his hands in mock-prayer.

''What? I can't trust him?'' Panic is rising up in Tooru quickly. He knew it, he just knew it. It was too good to be true, this handsome hunk swearing to protect him after Tooru had done shit for him, after he's been shit to him. _Fuck_.

''No, no, you can. He's a good guy. A little blunt, little rough around the edges, but he's pulling all the threats here. Seijoh and the Swans are working together, actually. Suga thinks he's hot shit but if he gives Ushijima a reason to act out, he's so dead, man.''

''Why is Ushijima here?,'' Tooru asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

''That's the question we'd all like to know the answer to.''

That does nothing to calm Tooru. The quiet man with a dark secret that kills others if given a reason to. Tooru has given him quite a handful of reasons. Teased him, mocked him, disrespected his gang members. But maybe that's not enough of a reason to get Ushijima riled up. Tooru can't help but wonder what must happen to get Ushijima angry. He's unsure if he'd like to find out.

''He said you could get me sleeping pills,'' Tooru finally says, the reason he got here in the first place.

''That I sure can, son. Father Makki has all the goods,'' Hanamaki says, wiggling his eyebrows.

''Just give me the pills, oh my god,'' Tooru sighs dramatically. He's missed this so much. Friendship, a feeling of belonging. He would've never considered going to this chapel by himself. Hanamaki and he never would've met, probably, if it weren't for Ushijima.

Hanamaki and his boy toy Mattsun have been his best friends since puberty. They've been two of the first members of Seijoh and have supported Tooru in everything he did. And even now, after what Tooru has done, Makki still stands beside him. It's a good feeling. He's feeling a little less alone.

 

When Tooru steps outside again, Ushijima is leaning against the opposite wall. He doesn't say anything but his face is open, his eyes curious.

''You knew that I know Hanamaki,'' Tooru says as they're walking towards the community room.

They have an hour after dinner to do whatever they want. Most inmates use this time to socialize, make calls or write letters for loved ones. Tooru usually spends it inside his cell, reading.

''I thought you could use a friend,'' Ushijima says, voice easy. He looks straight ahead, pace lazy.

''Aw, Ushiwaka-chan. Here I was under the impression we were friends and then you go and break my heart like that!'' It's a _thank you_ in its own way.

''My name is Ushijima. You can call me Wakatoshi, if you'd like. Most Swans do.'' It's _you're welcome_. Tooru nods and they continue quietly walking next to each other.

It's not bad.

 

– – –

 

In the community room, men are sitting around tables playing cards or board games, some read the newspaper or magazines, some just talk and laugh. There is a group of men having an arm-wrestling match going on. It reminds Tooru of Iwa-chan.

They've never been apart for so long before. The longest might have been when Iwa was released early and Tooru had to spend a month longer behind bars than him. But they had at least called and written. It's never been like this.

Iwa is the closest to a brother Tooru's ever had. The Iwaizumis are fine people, righteous and good, and so unlike Tooru. When Tooru's father was shot and his gang slowly fell apart, Tooru only seven years old, he thought his life was over. He didn't fit into society, couldn't develop normal relationships or hold normal conversations. The world he grew up in consisted of violence and blood and lies, and he knew how to hold a knife and hide from the police but not how to write his own name. So at seven, he thought this was it for him.

Then Iwaizumi Yuno found him, thin and cold in an old factory his father used to cook meth in. She and her husband had looked for him for weeks. They've been business partners of Tooru's father and when everyone had forgotten about the child, Yuno and her husband remembered the Oikawa son. They took him in, fed him, clad him and called it home. And Hajime his brother. For twenty years they've been family. And then Tooru had to go and ruin everything. Twenty-seven years of friendship, of family, destroyed in one stupid moment. He doesn't expect Iwa to ever forgive him for what he's done.

But giving up is not a thing he does, either.

He turns to Ushijima. ''I want to make a call, can you arrange that?''

Ushijima nods and leads him upstairs to their cell. He has a phone because of course he has. It's an old flip phone but it still works perfectly fine. Tooru takes it and raises his eyebrow at Ushijima when he doesn't step outside. Ushijima takes the hint and leaves, walking down the corridor until he's out of earshot.

When he punches in Iwa-chan's number, his hands are trembling. He presses the call button. After the third ring the line goes dead. Tooru tries again.

After the fifth ring, Iwa picks up.

''Who is this?'' The familiarity of that voice almost makes Tooru tear up.

''Iwa-chan,'' he says, his voice shaking.

''You fucking bastard.''

The line goes quiet after that. Tooru almost thinks Iwa hung up on him but the quiet breathing at the other end proves the opposite. He doesn't know what to say. What can he possibly say to him after everything? _I'm sorry_? That's not nearly enough.

''Tooru,'' Iwa says suddenly, pulling Tooru out of his thoughts.

''Yeah,'' Tooru breathes.

''Are you okay?''

Tooru thinks about it for a second. ''Yes,'' he settles on, ''are you? Is... is Kageyama?''

Panic is rising up in him again.

''Don't you fucking dare ask how Tobio is, Tooru. Not after what you've done.'' Iwa's voice sounds angrier than Tooru has ever heard. _This is it_ , he thinks. _This will be our goodbye_.

He hears a shuttering breath. A minute passes.

''Tobio is fine. He's got burns on his hand and arm and a bullet got him in the leg but he's alive. At least that's what I've heard.''

''He hasn't talked to you?''

''No,'' Iwa sighs, sounding incredibly sad. ''He hasn't.''

Tooru swallows heavily, there's a lump in his throat feeling as big as his fist. His eyes begin to water. He tries to hold back the tears that threaten to fall, Ushijima can't see him this shaken up, nobody can.

''I'm so sorry, Iwa-chan. I know you'll never forgive me, I don't expect you to.''

He's pacing. His feet are itching and he can barely withstand the urge to run. _But where to_? Where does he still have to run to?

''Tell me why, Tooru. I deserve to know.''

He does. Tooru hasn't spoken to anyone about it. The police had been more interested in him telling them about the counterfeiting. They don't know that- .

''I was jealous, '' Tooru starts. ''He's got the skills and the precision I will never have. I know it's no excuse for... for what I did but all my life I was told to get rid of the people that bested me. And in that moment I couldn't... I couldn't quiet the voice in my head. The only thing I knew was that he's got everything important to me; talent, followers and you,'' Tooru brushes away a tear with a trembling finger. ''I heard the sirens. I l- locked the door and I ran.''

Iwa is crying, too.

''And then I realized what I did. I came back but it was too late. The police was inside already, shooting and shouting and I couldn't find Kageyama. There was fire, too. Then a police officer caught me, cuffed me and brought me away.''

''You're so stupid, Tooru. What am I supposed to tell our parents? God, you're so stupid,'' Iwa's voice doesn't sound angry anymore. It sounds exhausted. It breaks Tooru's heart.

''I'm sorry, Iwa-chan,'' Tooru whispers, his voice wet.

''Give me some time, Tooru. I need- I just need some time, okay. I'll come visit you someday,'' Iwa says and it's more than Tooru ever hoped for.

''Okay, yeah,'' Tooru says, breathless. ''I miss you.''

''Yeah... I'll come visit.''

''Okay. Bye, Iwa-chan.''

''Take care.'' And the line goes dead.

Tooru takes a moment to collect himself. Iwa-chan doesn't hate him. He hasn't forgiven him, either. But he said he'll visit. He didn't hang up on him. The fact that Kageyama hasn't contacted him surprises Tooru. The guy had been so infatuated with Iwa-chan, pretty much from the get-go, too. They've been in love, it was so obvious. How Kageyama constantly sought out Iwa's company, how Iwa found new reasons to be alone with Kageyama every day. It hasn't been love at first sight, at least not for Iwa, but it's been love nonetheless. Tooru hadn't expected Kageyama to simply let go of that so easily. Then again, his almost-murderer was Iwa's brother. The closest person to Iwa was his pariah. He probably thought the same thing Tooru did. That Iwa would choose the other. But Iwa is better than that, clearly better than both of them. Iwa is a good man. Kageyama should've held on to him. But Tooru isn't allowed to think like that.

When he's able to breathe normally again, he fixes his face in the small mirror above the sink and looks outside.

Ushijima is walking up and down the corridor, he doesn't seem impatient, but almost. Worried.

Tooru motions for him to come inside again. He doesn't feel much like going back downstairs. Neither does he feel like being alone, right now.

Ushijima enters their cell and goes to his bed. Tooru hands him the phone with a nod, a quiet thank you. One of these days he'll thank Ushijima properly. Not today, though.

Ushijima takes it, flips it over in his hand. ''Girlfriend?,'' he asks.

Tooru laughs dryly. ''Oh please, I thought we were over casually asking if I suck cock or not,'' he says, ''we both know that that was not my girlfriend. I love cock but I won't be sucking yours.''

Ushijima looks at him undisturbed, calmly he says, ''Family then. It's usually either girlfriend or family.''

Tooru blinks at him questioningly. Ushijima is a mystery. The cool demeanor. The calm presence. How much of that is real? He's a tall man, muscular and powerful, looming over Tooru in height and stature but he doesn't make his body a threat. He doesn't hold himself like the other men here. He doesn't try to be intimidating. He doesn't let himself being provoked. He has a natural authority, his deep voice carries, when he talks others listen. He was probably born a leader and he knows it. He doesn't have to prove it, he doesn't have to prove anything. There was no fragile masculinity or shouting insults to cover his low self-esteem. In front of Tooru stands a man with power but instead of using it to establish his superiority, he uses it to empower others.

''Kind of,'' Tooru finally says. ''Iwaizumi Hajime, I know you know that name. When my parents died his parents took me in and he grew to be my brother. He and his parents are the only family I have.'' This little bit of information is the silent _thank you_ Tooru is willing to give at this point. A little piece of himself.

Ushijima nods. Tooru has the feeling Ushijima knows exactly what he's is doing. Giving him the first piece to the puzzle that is Oikawa Tooru.

 

– – –

 

Tooru is working double-shifts at the library or so to speak. On the one hand he pushes the book cart around but on the other hand he collects orders. Throughout the day, people will come to the library to find him, they tell him what they want and Tooru tells them whether they're able to get it or not and how much it'll cost. He writes everything down and in the evening when the library closes, he gives the list to Semi Eita, a rather reserved member of the Swans. He doesn't really like Tooru and Tooru doesn't really care, but they have to work together nevertheless. Tooru has no idea where Semi goes with the list and who their supplier is but he doubts he'll get an answer from the man anyway. Maybe he'll ask Ushijima about it some time.

Ushijima doesn't seem to have secrets. He never talks in riddles and never sends Tooru away when he's doing business. He's a constant presence at his side. Or maybe it's the other way around. Tooru follows him wherever he goes. It takes some getting used to never really being alone but with time Tooru realizes he's getting comfortable. Maybe a little too much, even. He starts to collect things about Ushijima. Tiny things like how he doesn't like fish much. Whenever the canteen serves a dish with some sort of fish his nose crinkles and he'll try to eat around it. After their second week together, Tooru starts taking the fishy bits from his plate to eat them himself. The first time he steals from Ushijima's plate he gets a startled look. A week later Ushijima shoves his plate next to Tooru's so he can pick up whatever Ushijima doesn't like. It's weirdly domestic.

Tooru picks up how the other Swans change around him. While some seem to warm up to his presence, like Tendou and Reon, others side-eye him whenever he interacts with Ushijima. Like Goshiki. He's a fool to think Tooru hasn't picked up on his little crush and even dumber if he thinks Tooru won't use this knowledge to tease him endlessly.

One night before lights out, Tooru feels a little nosy.

''Are you fucking anyone?,'' he casually asks. They're on their beds, Ushijima reading something and Tooru trying to do telekinesis. (It doesn't work).

''Sex is a very private thing, Oikawa,'' Ushijima says, not taking his eyes off of the page he's reading.

''I know. You've seen me naked and you manage to wake me up with your farts every night,'' Tooru says. ''Two people can't get any closer than that. We don't do private anymore.''

Ushijima sighs, already used to Tooru's casual talk of sex and anything related to it.

''No, I'm not,'' he admits.

''Why not?''

''Why is that relevant?''

''Okay, I get it. You don't kiss and tell, whatever.''

Tooru doesn't expect Ushijima to answer. To his surprise, he does.

''I don't have sex with anyone I don't have feelings for. Tendou has told me I am what the internet calls demisexual.'' He's still reading. ''What about you?''

The question surprises him, too.

''I'm gay,'' Tooru says. ''But I'm picky with my partners. They have to meet my standards, you know.''

Ushijima doesn't need to know what these standards are. Big dick, big biceps, big heart. Neither does he need to know that he's meeting Tooru's standards perfectly.

''Do you have someone waiting for you outside?,'' Ushijima asks. It sounds weird the way he says it.

''You're cute,'' Tooru says and laughs.

They don't talk after that.

 

– – –

 

Sometimes, late at night when Ushijima thinks Tooru is asleep, he takes himself in hand. Moments alone are rare and sex is a hurried thing in prison. It's not sensual or relieving, it's a necessity.

Sometimes, when Tooru knows Ushijima is awake, maybe only barely but definitely still awake, he will take himself in hand, too. Quiet but with the occasional little moan slipping out. He's not ashamed of it in the morning.

Ushijima doesn't tell him to stop, so he doesn't.

 

– – –

 

Taking a shower should not be this exhilarating. Or unnerving. Not after all this time. But Tooru fails to get used to a naked Ushijima standing only a couple of feet away from him. After having a shower Tooru usually feels like he needs another one. It is physically straining for him to not look at Ushijima whenever he stands next to him in the shower room.

Ushijima holds himself without shame, not trying to hide himself or turning away like some other inmates do. Tooru hates and loves it. He tries to be unashamed, too. He knows he's attractive and he likes that others think so, too. But as much as he loves showing off his attractiveness, here in prison he tries to tone it down. With Ushijima next to him, nobody dares talking to him. But they still look. More and more, it feels.

''Oikawa,'' Ushijima says lowly. Tooru looks at him without turning his head.

''Do you know the man with the reddish hair to your left?,'' Ushijima asks. Tooru follows his eyes until they land on an older dude, maybe in his thirties, who distinctly looks the other way. Tooru shakes his head.

''He's been looking at you for quite some time,'' Ushijima informs him. ''Should I make him stop?''

The sincerity of the question baffles Tooru. He could make that man stop looking at him himself but at the same time he's curious about what Ushijima will do. So he nods his head.

''I'm going to touch your lower back, is that okay?,'' Ushijima asks. He appreciates Ushijima asking. He does. But he knows there are codes in prisons. In the one he's been in before it was touching someone's hand to imply that they're taken. He doesn't want others to think he's Ushijima's bitch. But he doesn't want to be ogled like some fair game, either. He nods.

Slowly, Ushijima's hand reaches out. At first it's only his fingertips on Tooru's moist skin and then his hand settles. It's warm and big and it tingles. Tooru can't stop the shiver from running down his spine. Ushijima notices, too. The way he looks at Tooru – something changes.

Tooru leans into the hand carefully, trying it out. He feels eyes on the back of his head. He doesn't care. His breathing comes a little quicker. Ushijima takes his hand back but his eyes stay on Tooru for a second longer. Then they get back to showering.

Tooru still feels the phantom touch of Ushijima's hand on his skin. He still does in the evening, with the lights out and his hand on himself, Ushijima with his back to Tooru. They both pretend they don't hear the other's muffled moans.

 

– – –

 

Tooru is working at the library as usual. He puts away books, people come and tell him the things they want to have. It's getting closer to Christmas and even prisoners want to give their loved ones gifts. Tooru writes down book titles and video game names, items of clothing, special chocolates and festive liquors.

Iwa-chan hasn't visited yet.

He's thinking about how a reunion with him will be. Whether they hug or not, if Iwa will be able to look at him or not, if he will cry. Tooru wonders if he should get a present for him, just in case he'll come visit for Christmas. He wonders if he should get Ushijima a present, too.

Deep in thought, he doesn't hear the door opening. Doesn't hear approaching steps. Doesn't notice a person standing on the other side of the book shelf. He hears creaking though and notices the shelf trembling. When Tooru realizes what's happening, the shelf is tilting over already, about to bury Tooru under it.

Tooru jumps down from his little step stool, looks left, right and runs towards the register, trying to outrun the falling shelf. Books are falling to the ground and the old wood breaks with loud cracking sounds, little wooden pieces falling everywhere.

The last meter Tooru jumps. For a moment he thinks he's made it, safe and sound. Then there's blinding pain. His left leg is crushed by the heavy weight of the shelf, books poking into the flesh. Tooru feels his kneecap breaking, popping out.

Even with his vision blurry with pain, Tooru manages to turn around with his leg still crushed under thee heavy pile of splintering wood, and books. He spots the retreating back of a guard. Black hair, that's all he sees. Then there are shouts of his name.

Semi and Ushijima rush towards him. Tooru feels hazy, the pain numbing everything else out. He vaguely feels the weight on his leg disappearing and being lifted up. And there is his name, again and again. Nothing after that.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (How am I doing?) (Pls tell, all this is so new)


	3. Common People with Common Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: At the end of this chapter is an attempted rape scene. It isn't graphic, and because of some fics on here displaying Ushijima as a rapist I feel obligated to say that Ushijima isn't the one attempting rape.

_Not safe. Can't run._

The result is a fractured patella and a mild concussion. Four to six weeks in a cast. Fantastic. Tooru spends three days in a hospital. He tries to get a message out to Ushijima that he's okay and about what he saw, but doesn't succeed. There are very strict safety regulations. He isn't allowed to make a phone call and there is no one on his emergency contact list they could call for him. He's a prisoner after all.

He woke up in the ambulance, is wrist chained to the bed, a paramedic above him, trying to speak to him. He's not sure whether he had lost consciousness because of the pain or the concussion. He checked for Ushijima but he was nowhere in sight, obviously. Instead of answering the paramedic's questions, he threw up. The next time he woke, he startled the poor nurse that took his vitals. He was fine, really. He's had worse, anyway.

He obediently eats his jello and drinks the herbal tea, annoys and charms the nurses and doctors until he finally convinces them that he's ready to go back. He gets crutches and the phone number of one the nurses before he is discharged. _What does she expect_ , Tooru briefly wonders on his ride back, the little piece of paper still in his hand. There is no dating in prison, it's just not possible. You're never alone and you have nowhere to go to. Not that he'd be interested in dating her anyway; distinct lack of a nine inch dick and all that.

Tooru thinks about how things will be once he's back. He can't climb stairs, he can't stand without his crutches, he can't sit without his leg stretched out. Defenseless and helpless is what he is. A target for all the people who want him dead. He tries not to think about how Ushijima failed to protect him. It was a joined mistake, if he's being honest. Nothing happened in weeks and they both lost focus, pretended that everything was fine and Tooru safe as long as Ushijima was anywhere close. That the image of Ushijima by his side was enough for his attackers to back off and eventually lose interest. How naive. Tooru should've known better, he really should've, but truth be told he has to acknowledge that he was utterly distracted and that was the real problem that led to – well, _this_. His ridiculous attraction to the person he made a deal with, that's the problem. A deal. Nothing more and nothing less. He'll work for Ushijima and Ushijima will protect him. Easy as that.

But now that he's injured, Tooru can't work. He cannot fulfill his side of the spoken contract anymore. Tooru is no longer of interest for Ushijima.

He wonders if he's on his ride to the slaughterhouse.

 

– – –

 

The mini van stops and Tooru braces himself.

The guards lead him by the fence where several inmates stand to stare at him. There are a couple of familiar faces; Asahi, Semi, Tanaka. Yahaba and Kyoutani. Tooru inhales deeply and closes his eyes for a moment. He feels the air in his lungs and he holds it in until he starts feeling dizzy. One of the guards, a crooked asshole named Sawamura, gives him a little shove so he stumbles forward. He barely manages to support himself on his crutches in time. Tooru throws him a glare. He knows Sawamura works with the crows, of course he'd try to make his life worse, probably acting under instructions.

Inside, the guards have to fill out some forms that Tooru has to sign. His meds are handed over to the nurse and his duffel bag with his underwear is given to- .

Ushijima.

There he is, standing tall and with furrowed eyebrows, looking at Tooru with serious eyes. He looks tired. Tooru looks away. He's not ready for the confrontation, not ready to hear whatever Ushijima has to say to him.

''Tooru,'' he hears. Tooru looks up, surprised. ''Oikawa. How are you?''

Tooru looks from the guards back to Ushijima. Sawamura motions for him to get lost, presumably. Tooru wobbles forward with weak knees. Ha. Ushijima waits for him, his duffel in one hand, the other offering support when Tooru stumbles a little. He's still not used to crutches.

''I'm perfectly fine, Ushiwaka, can't you see? Just a little bruise here and there,'' Tooru says, the forced smile coming easy. Ushijima scrunches his nose.

''Nobody told me anything,'' Ushijima says, slowly walking next to Tooru towards the stairs.

Tooru's always had a tough time admitting his weaknesses, no matter if mental or physical. It's not any different now, but the almost-worry in Ushijima's eyes does things to him he doesn't even like to admit to himself.

''Fractured patella and a mild concussion,'' he says timidly, ''I'll be back to normal in a couple of weeks, I promise.''

At least he hopes he has that long.

Ushijima nods, his head bowed. His posture his different. Almost defeated, in a way. Tooru dares thinking it's because of him but he doesn't let his mind delve further into it. He can't allow himself to think that way. Ushijima is nobody and Tooru is nothing. Absolutely nothing. An inconvenience, at maximum.

''Oikawa,'' Ushijima says, pulling Tooru's attention back to himself. ''I'd like to apologize to you.''

Tooru's head swivels around faster than it should. His head is still a little woozy from the concussion and the pain meds.

''What?,'' he asks dumbly.

They've reached the stairs but instead of going up, Ushijima stops walking entirely. They're stared at and Tooru tries to ignore the curious looks he gets. He doesn't like the way he's looked at. Like prey. Doesn't like that he really is exactly that. _Prey_.

''It was my fault you got hurt,'' Ushijima explains. ''And I'm sorry. I failed to do what I promised to do, but if you'll let me, I would like to do better in the future. I won't let anybody get that close to you ever again.''

Ushijima looks at him intensely, determined. There is anger in his eyes and maybe hope. It's a weird combination and Tooru doesn't know what to make of it. The thoughts in his head threaten to overflow but his tongue lies heavy in his mouth, unable to formulate the words he wants to say. It's probably better this way for all he knows.

''Help me get up the stairs,'' Tooru says instead. There's no lift in this place, Tooru's thought about it before. What about the disabled criminals? That's awfully ableist, isn't it? To assume handicapped people are unable to commit crimes. It's these kind of thoughts that manage to ground him.

''I could carry you,'' Ushijima says and looks at his feet. ''I've done so before.''

Tooru doesn't remember much from the day someone tried burying him under knowledge, but he remembers Ushijima _shh_ -ing him, carrying him to the nurse's office. He remembers his tears and whimpers, too. He's very much ashamed of that and would rather forget about it entirely. Even about the coos and gentle hands and his head against Ushijima's strong shoulder, so, so close to this pulse point, feeling almost, almost safe and cared for.

''Just hold one of my crutches and put your arm around my waist, that'll do,'' Tooru demands briskly.

Ushijima nods again and does as he's told. He takes the crutch Tooru hands him and gets close – too close for Tooru's comfort but there's nothing he can do about that. Hesitantly, Ushijima puts his arm around Tooru's middle, his hand on Tooru's rib cage, hip-to-hip, shoulder-to-shoulder. Tooru shouldn't lean into Ushijima, but he can't stop himself. He isn't sure when he was this close to someone else with full consciousness last. Not sure when the last time was someone touched him so carefully. He's defenseless at this gentleness.

Step for step they climb the stairs together, Ushijima carrying at least half of Tooru's weight. On the second floor they take a break, Tooru panting heavily, Ushijima's hand warm on his back. He can't bring himself to shake it off, he really can't. Ushijima doesn't offer to carry him again but Tooru is unsure what his answer would be at this point.

Finally, _finally_ , they reach the fourth floor and their cell. Tooru wonders if he'll stay here.

Ushijima holds his hand to help him when Tooru flops down onto his bed, exhausted and every bone in his body aching. Ushijima sits down on his own bed, facing Tooru.

''You didn't give me an answer,'' he says.

''What am I supposed to say? I can't work for you like this,'' Tooru says, looking at the dirty ceiling. ''Double effort and nothing in return? Yeah, that's not how prison deals work, is it? Well, I supposed I could suck your dick, at least my mouth is working, right? Or I coul-''

''Oikawa,'' Ushijima interrupts. ''Do you want to stay with the Swans?''

Tooru imagines hearing a _me_ in that question _._

''Do you want to know if you managed to give me a reason to stay?''

Ushijima doesn't answer, he just stares back.

''Not yet,'' Tooru lies, ''but I want to stay anyway. Can I? Without giving you anything back?''

Ushijima shifts, leaning his back against the white wall behind him, his shoulders visibly relax.

''You're a Swan,'' he says, final.

Tooru wants to figure him out. His motives and intentions. He realizes that he's worried for nothing at all. Ushijima is the truest man he knows in here and Tooru is a Swan.

 

– – –

Upon awakening in the early morning hours, Tooru realizes he needs a shower. And then that he can't shower with his crutches. In the hospital, someone wiped him off with a washing cloth every now and again, but it just wasn't the same. Tooru likes being clean. Smelling good. Taking care of himself.

There is a knock on their cell door. Before Tooru can even fully comprehend what's going on Ushijima is up and ready, opening the lock from the inside. His hair is messy from sleep and the t-shirt he wears at night has at least a thousand wrinkles. There are lines of his pillow on his cheek.

''What?,'' he says, sounding unfriendly.

''Oikawa Tooru is to go to the cellar to take a bath,'' a guard says just as unfriendly.

''A bath?,'' Ushijima asks.

''Yes. Because of his injury he will not use the showers in the following weeks,'' the guard says, glancing at Tooru still lying in bed. It's not even five, but taking a bath takes longer than showering, probably. So if he doesn't want to miss breakfast, he gotta wake up a little earlier in the future, it seems.

''I'll accompany him,'' Ushijima says, turning to make his bed and to take his pile of clothing. After a moment he grabs Tooru's as well. Tooru climbs out of bed and tries to arrange the sheets but Ushijima takes the thin blanket out of his hands and does it himself. Tooru is definitely not pouting.

They're led downstairs. One of the guards offers Tooru an arm but Ushijima throws him a look and puts his own arm around Tooru's middle. They take a couple of minutes to reach the cellar but Tooru grows more confident with his crutches with every step.

Ignoring the shower rooms, they move past them and further down the corridor till they reach one of the last doors on the right. Peeking inside, Tooru counts five bathtubs in a row. Simple white tiles, some already cracked, cover the ground and walls. The room looks like it hasn't been used much in the past with the light painstakingly flickering on and random laundry carts standing around in the corners.

''Undress,'' the guard demands. Tooru really doesn't like that tone.

''You will wait outside,'' Ushijima says, his voice is not leaving room for objections.

''Someone has to watch him and help him get in and out, this is not some spa treatment,'' the guard says, face pulled in anger.

''Yes,'' Tooru chimes in. ''But you're so not my type. Ushiwaka here is a little better, he can help me.''

The guard considers them for a moment before stepping outside with a frown. ''If I hear anything else than splashing water, I won't hesitate coming in.''

Tooru rolls his eyes childishly, _as if_. The door closes and the lock clicks shut. _Such a drama queen_ , Tooru thinks idly until he realizes in what kind of situation he's in.

Ushijima stands a couple of steps beside him, watching him with humble eyes.

''Turn around, will you?,'' Tooru says, before remembering that he will need help getting his pants off. He tentatively sits down on the edge of one of the bathtubs with his crutches next to him. He stretches his arm out to open the faucet, letting the water run.

Ushijima still looks at him, looking a little out of place, a little overwhelmed.

''I've seen you naked before,'' he says, possibly trying to ease the tension. It doesn't work.

Tooru takes in a deep breath, swallows the lump in his throat and takes of his shirt. This much is okay, he can handle this.

''Now you,'' he says. He's met with silence.

''What?''

''You think I'll strip down for you and you just watch? Nuh-uh, mister. You gotta get washed up, too, don't you?,'' Tooru says, feigning confidence he's lost somewhere in their cell, sometime around sunrise.

Ushijima's eyes don't leave him. He grabs the back of his collar and pulls upwards, pulling the shirt over his head and letting it fall to the ground. There he stands, unabashedly. Tooru's never really looked before, never dared to. Never really appreciated. Ushijima is built, broad shoulders with strong arms, taunt stomach and well-defined chest. In his free time, Ushijima likes to work-out, let out his pent-up energy. It shows. Oh, does it show.

''Help me with the pants,'' Tooru says meekly.

Ushijima walks towards Tooru with steady steps, then he kneels down before him. Tooru's never had the delight of looking down at him. When he's looked enough, he slowly pulls down his soft cotton pants. Ushijima still only looks at his face. Tooru pulls down as far as he can and then Ushijima's fingers brush against his own, an offering. His skin tingles. Ushijima maneuvers the fabric around the leg brace. He's awfully gentle. He takes Tooru's foot into his hand, the bare sole in his big palm, and pulls it free. Oikawa's pants fall uselessly to the floor. Ushijima's hand his still around his calve, looking at the leg brace with unreadable eyes. He studies it and with one shy finger he traces the metal. Tooru lets him.

Tooru sits before him in only his underwear but he doesn't feel naked. The bathtub fills with warm water and Tooru lets one of his hands dip underwater to feel the temperature. Ushijima stands up and takes off his own pants, confidently. Tooru looks. Frankly, he can't pull his gaze away.

His thighs are strong, hairy, in every aspect very much manly. Unbearable.

''Your briefs?,'' Ushijima asks quietly. His cheeks flush and Tooru mirrors him.

''Yes,'' Tooru allows. He doesn't reach for his underwear, instead he gives Ushijima a meaningful look, expectation laced with shyness. Ushijima holds it, holds it and carefully hooks a finger under the waistband. Goosebumps everywhere. Tooru searches Ushijima's face but aside from the rich color on his cheeks, there's only calmness. Tooru knows he's attractive. But he wants Ushijima to think him beautiful.

''Now you,'' Tooru says when he's completely bare, feeling the moist air settle on his skin.

Ushijima stands up again, he swallows. Then he's bare, too.

It's awfully intimate, the way they just look at each other. Forgetting the running water entirely, the guard standing just outside the door. Tooru's eyes are on level with Ushijima's navel. It's pretty, with coarse hair leading down to his crotch, and come the time, Tooru would like to put his finger in it, let his tongue trace it, dip into it. He has a thing for Ushijima's navel, he thinks. 

Tooru's eyes dart to the water and Ushijima gets the hint. He takes Tooru's hand into his, supporting him as Tooru turns so he can sit down in the tub. His injured leg dangling over the edge, both of them careful not to get it wet.

Ushijima hands him a washing cloth and the bar of soap and then sits down on the ground, his back leaning against the tub, facing away from Tooru. He doesn't pull on his clothes again.

Tooru settles into the warm water, letting all of his tense muscles relax in the heat. He leans his head back and bumps softly into Ushijima's. Neither pulls away. Ushijima moves his head a little, to one side and to the other, gently, it almost feels like a nuzzle. Oikawa pushes back softly.

Was it like this when he killed that person? Gentle? Tooru can't imagine Ushijima being anything but quiet and forward. But at least once he must have lost it. Did he do it quietly? Did the person know they were dying? Did they trust Ushijima when he came to them? And after, what did Ushijima do after? Did he stay by the dead body, patiently waiting for the police to arrive? Did he put a bullet through someone's head and then ran? Who was it he killed. Was it only one person. Did they deserve it?

''Aren't the tiles cold?,'' Tooru asks.

''Yes,'' Ushijima says.

For the moment, Tooru pushes away his running thoughts. He focuses on Ushijima's head resting against his own, warm.

 

– – –

 

Every single thing is just a tad more difficult than without crutches and it's getting bothersome. Even getting food. He can't even carry his own tray so that he has to walk down the line with Ushijima next to him, holding his tray for him.

The lady handing out the desserts is a young girl with blonde hair. She seems a little skittish but the inmates seem nothing but respectful towards her. She gives them shy smile with the little bowl of chocolate pudding or jello and each and every inmate seems to brighten at that little act of friendliness.

''Hello,'' she says when it's Tooru's turn, ''jello or chocolate?''

''Oh definitely chocolate, I've had enough jello for a while,'' Tooru laughs.

''You were in the hospital, right? I heard, you had an accident in the library. I hope you're better,'' the girl says and surprisingly it seems genuine.

''Oh definitely, thank you,'' Tooru says when the girl hands Ushijima his pudding. ''Oh Ushiwaka, we forgot the water, would you mind getting me a bottle?''

He nods and puts the tray next to Tooru on the counter before turning to head back to the end of the line.

''I'm Oikawa by the way, I never seem to have picked up your name?,'' Tooru introduces himself with a charming smile.

The girl blushes adorably. She might be only a couple of years younger than Tooru, but because of her height and build she looks very girlish still.

''Yachi,'' she says quietly, handing out another desert. ''I'm Yachi.''

''It's very nice to meet you, Yachi-chan,'' Tooru says, leaning forward, lowering his lids, flirtatious smile on his lips. Yachi turns away quickly, head bowed, trying to hide her red cheeks. But while her reaction is cute to look at, Tooru realizes his natural charm and charisma are not going to work with her.

''Say Yachi-chan, working here with all these barbaric men, is there someone at home waiting for you?,'' Tooru says, leaning forward, keeping it gender-neutral on purpose.

A low chuckle startles him and he turns to notice Suga being the next in line, too close to him for comfort. Suga takes his dessert, still chuckling his angelic eerie little laugh.

''I'd rethink befriending him, Yachi,'' Suga says. Tooru narrows his eyes. ''You don't know what he's in here for, do you?''

The way he says it – disgustingly suggestive – aggravates Tooru. Like he'd hurt an innocent girl who chit chats with him and gives him pudding. Like Tooru's some kind of monster.

''What are you trying to say, Suga?,'' Tooru hisses, trying to go for intimidating and failing: the crutches take away from the effect.

Suga casually puts his bowl on his tray, moving forward to make room for the next in line.

''Oh, nothing,'' Suga says, sweet smile playing on his lips. ''But fact is that you don't like telling others why you're here, no? And we all know there are only two crimes not tolerated even by criminals. Then you go around, assaulting the canteen lady... suspicious, don't you think?''

He says it loud and clear so it will carry. Their conversation already has the attention of all those around them. Suga is trying to make Tooru even more vulnerable and for no other reason but pettiness. Tooru left his gang and joined the rival. That's usually a death sentence in prison.

Suga is grinning at him, triumphant. Whatever Tooru might say right now, the issue will still stand in the room. Rumors spread quickly in a limited space.

''I hope you're not trying to insinuate that Oikawa is here for rape,'' Ushijima says suddenly, his voice dark and dangerous. ''Because we both know that's not true, correct?''

Ushijima purposely invades Suga's personal space, looming over him, his face grim. He's superior both in height and build and he radiates anger but Suga doesn't back off. He's visibly displeased though, he obviously hoped Ushijima wouldn't be back anytime soon. Suga likes miscalculating as much as Tooru does.

''Of course not, Ushijima... san,'' Suga says, tone docile. He looks up at Ushijima without tipping his head, bordering on submissive but too proud to take a step back. ''You wouldn't make him your bitch otherwise, would you? You're just too _righteous_ for that.''

Something on Ushijima's face changes, turns dark and feral. Before Tooru has time to say something in his own defense, in _Ushijima's_ defense, Ushijima grabs the back of Suga's head, holding him roughly by his hair, pulling him close so they're almost nose-to-nose. Tooru expects a headbutt but instead Ushijima starts talking to Suga, whispering something nobody but them can hear. Suga nods a couple of times, Ushijima continues talking lowly. A guard comes running. Ushijima shoves Suga away so hard he stumbles back a couple of steps.

''Ushijima back off!,'' the guard orders loudly. It's Sawamura. He rushes towards Suga, briefly putting a supporting arm around his shoulder. Suga quickly shakes it off, raising his head defiantly.

''We were just talking,'' Suga says, patting Sawamura's arm. Then he turns and leaves, leaving behind his tray, a baffled Tooru and a fuming Ushijima. Yachi looks close to tears.

Tooru's never seen him like this. Angry. Aggressive. Could this be Ushijima _the murderer_? Is this the past Ushijima? Or has this always been part of him, this dark side? Does Oikawa know him at all?

''Come on,'' Ushijima says, face composed.

Tooru follows blindly.

 

– – –

 

The following day Tooru apologizes to Yachi. He knows he's got nothing to be sorry for but befriending the girl wouldn't work otherwise, he guesses. So he apologizes and Yachi waves him off with a cute blush and an extra pancake.

Tooru is unsure whether he is relieved or disappointed that he is only allowed to take a bath every other day instead of every morning. While taking a nice, hot bath would help him relax his muscles, he isn't sure if he can be this intimate and open with Ushijima yet, after yesterday. It's not even what he did or what he said – he only defended Tooru, after all – but rather the sudden change in personality, like a switch was flipped. It was scary.

And the incident only adds to the weight on Tooru's shoulders. Kyoutani and Shigeru still sneer at him, still monitor his every step. Suga is trying very hard to make his life hell. Iwa-chan still hasn't visited. He's hopelessly falling for a man so honest, so true, that a secret on him looks like a splatter of blood on a white wall. It's so scary.

What he needs might be a priest.

 

– – –

 

''Wait for me?,'' Tooru asks when he and Ushijima stand in front of the chapel.

''Of course,'' Ushijima says, holding the door open for Tooru to wobble through.

Ushijima has been nothing but his normal self since the incident in the canteen. They ate together, sat in the library together, went back to their cell together. In the quiet hours before lights out Ushijima read his already well-read book he tends to read a lot. Tooru's never asked him what it is he reads but not because of a lack of curiosity but rather because he knows Ushijima doesn't like to reveal a lot of himself. Or at least not to Tooru.

Thankfully, the chapel is empty when Tooru gets in. Nothing has changed at all; it still distinctly smells like not-incense and the flowers on the altar are still dead. No sign of Hanamaki.

''Father Makki, I gotta confess,'' Tooru says into the empty room.

The backdoor opens and Makki's head peaks out, hair mussed, lips puffy and cheeks red. Bedroom eyes. He looks thoroughly fucked.

''No fucking way, Makki, how could you?,'' Tooru says, indignant, his mouth hanging open. ''Did you and Mattsun break up, or something?''

Hanamaki laughs, closes the door behind him, running a hand through his hair smugly.

''My favorite lost child! Injured, what the fuck?,'' he says in a way of greeting. ''But how dare you, man! Issei and I are forever together and all that. You missed him by a minute actually, he just brought in supplies.''

Tooru's face drops. ''Oh, I would've liked seeing him. I miss him.''

Hanamaki gives him something close to a warm, reassuring smile. ''I'll tell him to visit you sometime. He misses you, too.''

Tooru nods, not really believing him. Some took his betrayal harder than others. Makki and Kageyama never really warmed up to each other and while Hanamaki knows what Tooru did was absolutely shameful, they've still been friends for most of their lives. Hanamaki knows how Tooru feels about... what happened and he's moved on if not quite forgiven him yet. Matsukawa on the other hand only joined them a couple of years ago. He was trained with all the newbies, despite him being older than the rest. He and Kageyama started roughly at the same time. They were closer than Tooru and him.

''That's why I'm here, actually,'' Tooru says and sits down on one of the wooden benches. Hanamaki leans against it, looking down at his wrapped-up knee.

''To meet Issei?,'' Hanamaki asks, one doubtful brow raised.

Tooru shakes his head. ''Iwa-chan still hasn't visited.''

Hanamaki exhales soundly. ''That's rough. But I reckon not even god's hand on earth could help you with that.''

Tooru elbows him in the stomach for that, hard. That's typical Hanamaki behavior. He doesn't really do serious conversations, instead of offering comforting words and warm hugs, he makes light-hearted jokes to lighten up the mood. He always tries to make the people around him happy. It's admirable but not what Tooru really needs right now.

''I thought that the only way Iwa-chan could forgive me even a little bit is by reaching out to Kageyama,'' Tooru says, heart heavy. Hanamaki's eyes widen considerably.

''Do you think that's the best idea?''

 _Of course not_. Tooru sighs. ''Just... Can you get a message out to him or not?''

Hanamaki takes a moment to consider the pros and cons, Tooru guesses. He's thought about it all night and all day, how to go at this, what he could possibly say to him that doesn't sound like a cheap apology worth for nothing. Tooru tried imagining himself in Kageyama's place. Betrayed, severely injured, robbed of his family, robbed of his lover, and all because of one man who was overrun by his jealousy. It's simply non-excusable. So that's what he didn't write.

''I can at least try,'' Hanamaki finally says. ''Do you have a letter or something?''

Tooru reaches into the pocket of his pants where he hid a wrinkled piece of paper this morning after settling on what he has to say and what he can say.

''Thanks , Makki,'' Tooru says, exhausted somehow.

Hanamaki nods while he puts the letter away. ''Sure thing, Oiks. Now tell me who fucked up your knee?''

''Oh boy,'' Tooru starts.

 

– – –

 

He simply writes: _He misses you more than me. Don't forgive me, but forgive him._

 

– – –

 

It's practically the middle of the night but in prison it's morning. A knock on the door, the instruction to go downstairs, to take a bath. Tooru is thankful he can finally wash up again, feeling a bit stinky already, he grabs his crutches and heads to the door. He only then notices that Ushijima must have been awake already, his tiny lamp lit and with his book in hand. He moves to put it on the little cupboard above his bed but Tooru stops him.

''Take it,'' he says, his curiosity finally getting the better of him. Ushijima seems confused at first but takes it with him nonetheless.

They slowly move downstairs, Ushijima's arm securely around his waist, a guard walking ahead of them, annoyed at the slow pace. Ushijima and Tooru both ignore him. In fact, the only thing Tooru can concentrate on is the wild pounding of his heart and the fear that Ushijima is able to feel it. Actually, Tooru is pretty sure he can and he wonders what Ushijima thinks about it. What it tells him or what he takes it for.

Tooru almost misses one step and overstretches his knee, whimpering at the pain. Ushijima holds him tighter, his thumb starting to brush over Tooru's rib comfortingly. He most likely does it unconsciously and Tooru wonders how he should interpret the gesture. The only thing he knows is that he focuses on it, the slow movement up and down, almost tingling. Like this, he barely notices the rest of the steps, Ushijima so close to him, supporting him fully, his hand so close to his heart.

The guard is not the same guy from last time, he looks a little mousy, a little tired still. He asks how long Tooru was allowed to stay in the bathroom last time and Tooru tells him half an hour, a lie Ushijima does not correct him for. So the guard closes the door behind them and locks it.

Ushijima helps Tooru sit down on the edge of one of the bathtubs and then takes a step back.

''Like last time?,'' he asks, his voice echoing from the tiled walls.

''No,'' Tooru says. Ushijima says nothing, waits. ''Would you like to undress me?''

Ushijima swallows. It's so quiet down here. Tooru wonders if the guard can hear what they say.

''Yes,'' Ushijima says eventually. His voice sounds pained. Tooru doesn't like it.

He nods, bites his bottom lip. ''Then I want a truth for each clothing item you take off.''

The silence between them stretches, underlined by the water steadily filling the tub.

''Would _you_ like to undress _me_?'' This surprises Tooru.

Tooru considers backing off, taking back his offer, _lying_. Instead, ''Yes.''

''Then the same goes for you. A truth for a clothing item,'' Ushijima says, sounding confident again, not pained. Tooru is glad. He nods.

He stops the water, the steam fogging up the room. It's an oddly intense situation. Tooru wants to be naked with Ushijima but at the same time he's afraid of what he'll find under those clothes, if he wants to know what Ushijima is going to tell him. But the truth is, the image of Ushijima has already started to change in Tooru's mind. At first he's been the scary boss of a prison gang, the stoic businessman, then he was the fascinating sexy new cellmate, with his jawline and the abs and the water rolling down his strong back in the showers. Wet dream material. But then the scary thing happened: Ushijima turned into protection and stability, into support and reassurance. He became a real person. He soon showed flaws and weird mannerisms and Tooru... Tooru got tangled in all the threats that pull Ushijima and he doesn't even know half of them. And now that'll change.

He stretches out his leg, his foot in the air, a silent demand to pull off his pants first. Ushijima takes cautious steps in his direction before crouching down in front of him. With steady hands he starts pulling down the soft sleeping pants, his fingers traveling down his leg to his ankle. He gently holds it for a moment before dropping the pants, looking at Tooru expectantly.

''How long have you been here already?,'' Tooru asks.

Ushijima is still holding his ankle in one of his hands, rough palms against his Achilles heel.

''Ten years. Since I was eighteen,'' Ushijima says. _Almost still a child and already a murderer_ , Tooru thinks. He will chew on that later, now is not the time. He nods, locking the information away.

Ushijima stands up, stepping closer so he is in Tooru's reach. Tooru hesitates before raising his hand, daring to touch. The soft fabric of the drawstring pants is familiar beneath his fingertips. The skin underneath isn't but it's almost just as nice to touch. Ushijima is warm, solid and Tooru rests both his hands on his hipbones for a while. The he pulls down, touch wandering over the toned thighs and functioning knees. Then he has to let go, not able to reach further from his position. Ushijima steps out of it, kicking the clothing item away from his feet.

''What do you miss the most in here?,'' Ushijima asks.

Tooru didn't let himself miss anything, that would be the truth. But he lets himself now. He thinks of music and movies, and Iwa-chan, and the soft fur of dogs.

''Lotion,'' he says. ''Nice smelling lotion. I miss smelling like myself, everything in here just smells the same. Taking care of myself is a part of it, too, I guess. I miss just- just having coconut butter in reach whenever I need a little comfort.'' Tooru smiles bitterly.

Ushijima looks at him almost. Fondly.

''Lotion,'' he repeats and then nods his head.

When he takes off Tooru's shirt, he lets his hands flutter over his ribs, his arms, the nape of his neck. Tooru lets him, hates himself for liking the touch and the shivers accompanying it.

''How long is your sentence?,'' Tooru asks, voice thin.

Ushijima purses his lips, he seems nervous as if he expects Tooru to ask a question he doesn't want to give the answer to, one that he can't answer, one that Tooru doesn't want to hear the answer to.

''Ten more years,'' Ushijima says calmly, as if he had long accepted the reality of it. Twenty years in prison. That's two years longer than he had spend outside. It's incredibly sad in a way but in another it's justice. He _killed_ someone. Of course he deserved punishment for what he did, but it's just so hard to see Ushijima as a killer. Easier after the incident with Suga, but still hard.

Ushijima's shirt comes off and Tooru finally gets the chance to put his finger on Ushijima's navel. It's a funny feeling and Tooru takes enormous pleasure in it. Ushijima doesn't seem to understand the touch but he indulges Tooru.

''Why is Iwaizumi not visiting you?,'' Ushijima asks and something inside of Tooru breaks. It's one thing to miss his brother and be aware of how unlike it is of them to be apart, and another for a onlooker to notice the unlikeliness.

''Because I tried to kill his lover, I guess,'' Tooru says and doesn't elaborate. Ushijima saves the follow-up question.

He falls to his knees, his face showing tame anticipation as he reaches for Tooru's underwear. It's the last clothing item before he is completely nude, stripped of anything unimportant. Tooru startles when Ushijima takes both of his legs, carefully, giving Tooru enough time to stop him, and puts them on his shoulder. Tooru's knees directly beside his face, Ushijima turns and presses a deliberate kiss to Tooru's knee brace. The gesture means everything. Ushijima takes his time with his briefs, pulling them down slowly, slowly over his ass, over his cock, down his shaking thighs, the functioning knee, the injured knee, down his calves. At some point he has to detach Tooru's legs from his shoulders and puts them back on the ground. Tooru is enamored.

He almost forgets to ask his question. Almost. ''Why is nobody visiting you?''

Ushijima closes his eyes for a second, two. He doesn't open them for his reply. ''My sister visits me around Christmas. She's the only one. She's the only one because the others can't look me in the eyes anymore, after what I did, probably.''

Tooru swallows thickly. Ushijima looks at him now, eyes imploring and waiting, waiting for Tooru to look away, to say _stop_ or anything in the like.

Inside these gray walls lies their entire world. Everything outside doesn't matter, doesn't have an influence on the men inside, the men inside don't have an influence on anything outside. What counts for men like Oikawa and Ushijima is what's in here. What kind of people they were outside is unimportant in a way. And if there is one person inside these gray walls that understands Ushijima, it's Tooru. He reaches downward and pulls down Ushijima's underwear as best as he can. He has to lean forward to do so, his face mere inches away from Ushijima's. Their breaths mixing between them, the air getting hotter and moist. If Tooru only had the courage to tip his head forward, to ask for what he wants, what Ushijima maybe wants, too.

''I'd like to save my question for later, if that is okay,'' Ushijima says quietly.

''Okay,'' Tooru says.

They stay like this. Close, almost falling into each other.

After minutes in this position. Then Ushijima stands up to help Tooru get into the tub, one hand holding Tooru's, one around Tooru's rib cage. They ignore the nakedness, it's comfortable like this, in this water-warm room in the early morning hours, no one caring for them.

When Tooru dives into the hot water, he already misses Ushijima's hands on him, the contact of skin on his own. He wonders if he's touch-starved already.

''Read to me,'' Tooru says when Ushijima sits back against the tub, his head again resting against Tooru's. Intimate.

Ushijima reaches for the book lying next to their clothes. The one he reads almost every night with the broken back and the loose pages.

''It's by Theodor Storm, he's a German poet,'' Ushijima says and he already knows Tooru doesn't care what it is, he only wants this piece of Ushijima, too. Because he's greedy, because he's hungry.

''This poem is called _Close Both My Eyes._ ''

 

– – –

 _Close both my eyes_  
with your beloved hands!  
For everything I suffer  
comes to rest under your hand.  
  
And as the pain,  
wave upon wave, gently lies down to sleep,  
as the last heartbeat stirs,  
you fill my whole heart.

 

– – –

 

It takes a few days and then, suddenly, a week before Christmas, Tooru gets a notification that he's got a visitor this afternoon. He can't believe what's written on the paper he's handed that morning. _A visitor_. He briefly considers that it might be Mattsun visiting him, but he would probably just meet him in the chapel with Hanamaki if he wanted to see him. So it can only be one person. Tooru is giddy and full of hope.

Ushijima of course notices Tooru's excitement and he listens patiently to childhood tales Tooru entrusts him with. The one time he and Iwaizumi decided to run away and start a new life somewhere, when they were twelve, packed in their bag two sandwiches, a little money and a gun. That time when they were fifteen and Tooru was so nervous to tell Iwa-chan that he had a crush on their PE teacher – their _male_ PE teacher. He almost threw up when he told Iwa but Iwa just blushed and said he, too, had a crush on the PE teacher. They laughed back then and Ushijima chuckles too, when Tooru tells him the story.

Then it's time to get to the visitation room. Beforehand, a guard explains the rules and regulations to them in a bored voice. No personal contact, including hugs and kisses, no exchanges of goods of any kind, no longer than fifteen minutes. The prospect of not hugging Iwa-chan physically hurts but if Tooru breaks the rules there is no way he'll get a visitor any time soon again.

They're led into the visitation room and there he sits, in the back corner on a table for two. Dressed in casual clothes and his hands folded on the table top, Iwa-chan looks up when the door opens. Tooru gives him a blinding smile and rushes towards him as fast as he can with his crutches. Iwa smiles back, but starts frowning when he notices the state Tooru is in. When Tooru is close enough to the the table, Iwa stands up, pulls back the chair for Tooru so he can sit down easier.

''Iwa-chan,'' Tooru says, voice higher than normal because of his excitement.

''Hi, Oikawa,'' Iwa smiles back, but Tooru knows the difference between one of Iwa's honest smiles and one that is reserved, like this one.

''What happened to your leg?,'' Iwa asks when he sits down across from Tooru.

''Oh, that,'' Tooru waves a hand dismissively, ''Just a little accident in the library, don't worry about it, in two and a half weeks the brace will come off.''

Iwa frowns but doesn't ponder on it. ''How are you, Tooru? Do you need anything?''

Tooru smiles sadly; his caring, sweet Iwa-chan. ''I'm good, I have everything I need, really. How about you, though? Are you alright?''

Iwa looks to the side, kneading his hands nervously. Tooru notices that Iwa's hair is longer now, still unruly but looking thicker, somehow. He looks thinner, too, paler.

''Tobio and I talked.''

Tooru gives him an encouraging smile. Maybe, _maybe_ his message has fulfilled its purpose in the end.

''He just came by one day and I couldn't believe my eyes, you know. So we talked and... we're not back to normal again, of course. That- that'll take time, I know. But it was good seeing him. Really good,'' Iwa says and something close to happiness spreads on his face. It's good to see him like this.

''That's great, Iwa-chan, I'm happy for you,'' Tooru says and swallows down his tears. He's too emotional these days.

''He told me,'' Iwa says, his smile fading, ''he told me that you got a message out to him. So... I don't know, Tooru, am I supposed to thank you? Are you trying to redeem yourself?''

Of course Iwa thinks that everything Tooru does has a motive, that he's doing it for himself and no one else, because that's what he always does. He's only ever thought about himself, the only way to survive in the world he grew up in. He's always been selfish and Iwa knows all about his flaws. Tooru knows all about Iwa's flaws, too.

''I was hoping I could make you happier,'' Tooru says truthfully. ''I can't be by your side anymore, so I at least wanted to know him with you. So you're not alone. I know you love him and I know I almost destroyed you and I can't apologize for what I did but I at least wanted to do this for you.''

Now the tears are falling for real. Iwa's hand shoots out, intending to grab Tooru's to comfort him, instinctual, but in the last second he doesn't. Against the rules. It hurts them both equally.

''You're my brother, Tooru,'' Iwa says. ''I want you to be happy, too. Can you be happy in here?''

Tooru knows he's gotta lie. He gives a wobbly half-grin, it must look goofy because Iwa laughs out loud at his grimace. ''Of course, Iwa! No distractions, quality TV, toilet in direct reach, it's perfect!''

Iwa shakes his head. ''No, really, Tooru. Are you okay?''

Tooru leans his head on his hand. ''Yes,'' he says tentatively. ''My cellmate is... he's the boss of the gang I joined. He takes care of me. Sometimes too good even, he's like an overzealous babysitter. But... yeah, he's okay. He's good.''

''You're fucking him.''

''What? No! Of course not, Iwa-chan! What do you take me for?,'' Tooru says accusingly, hiding his mouth behind his hand in exasperation.

''Then you want to fuck him. I know you, Tooru,'' Iwa laughs and it almost feels like it used to be. A teasing back and forth between them, shoving the other around and lots of laughter. Tooru misses how it was, he really does.

''Fine! He's really hot, okay? Taller than you, beefier then you, and perfectly sculpted,'' Tooru says, his eyes dreamy.

''Ouch,'' Iwa says and before thy know it their time is up.

The guard calls for all inmates to gather and walk back inside and for the visitors to make room for the next group. If not hugging was tough fifteen minutes ago, it now causes excruciating pain. Iwa looks as lost as Tooru feels.

''Will you visit again?,'' Tooru asks timidly.

''Of course, Tooru,'' Iwa assures him and it sounds honest. ''Merry Christmas.''

''Merry Christmas, Iwa-chan,'' and he hopes his eyes say everything.

Then he has to get up and walk back to the door he came in through. In the doorway he turns around one last time. Iwa is still standing next to their table, waving at him with a bittersweet expression on his face. Then the door is closed and Tooru is back surrounded by those familiar gray walls that he has to call his home, if he wants to or not. 

Ushijima is waiting for him around the corner. He doesn't ask how it went, patiently waiting for Tooru to tell him if he feels like it. Together they move to their cell, Tooru not in the mood to go to the community room or the library at the moment. Ushijima quietly follows, a supporting arm around him.

In the cell, Tooru sits down on his perfectly made bed with the stiff pillow and thin blanket. His few belongings on the cupboard above his headrest. Among them somewhere a photo of Iwa and him when they were kids, swearing to be together forever. Swearing family. Tooru wants to bury his face in his pillow and drown out the world around him, wants to only think about how it used to be but knows that it'll only hurt.

''Ushiwaka,'' he croaks out. Ushijima looks at him expectantly, listening.

''I need a hug,'' Tooru says sullenly.

''What?''

''Fucking hug me!,'' Tooru yells childishly and startles Ushijima who clambers forward, sitting down next to Tooru and putting one arm around him, hesitant.

Tooru leans his head against Ushijima's strong shoulder, rubbing his face on the soft fabric of his uniform. He wraps his own arms around Ushijima's torso, squeezing tightly. Ushijima puts his other arm around him, too, now fully hugging him. It feels so good to be held. Tooru hasn't been held for a long time. Always trying to be strong, never losing his face in front of others.

Ushijima moves back, letting go of him and Tooru almost protests. But instead of going back to his own bed, Ushijima lies down, his head against the headrest. ''C'mon,'' he says, one arm falling across the pillow. Tooru stares at him a couple of seconds before comprehending, before crawling upward and laying his head on Ushijima's chest, his injured leg stretched out, his other thrown over Ushijima's. Ushijima puts his arm around Tooru, stroking up and down his arm in soothing motions. Tooru closes his eyes appreciatively.

''Thank you,'' he mumbles, Ushijima's heartbeat beneath his ear.

Ushijima says nothing but his heart skips a beat, says it all. _Any time_.

 

– – –

 

They don't talk about it the following days. About the cuddling. About how they get more and more intertwined in each other. Some time they will have to address it. _This_. This thing between them. It's quite new and fragile at this point but Tooru is so, so sure that Ushijima is someone he can fall in love with. At least inside here. This thing is worth nothing outside these walls, and he knows it, tries to ignore it.

At breakfast, they sit next to each other as usual, their knees touching, their arms brushing against each other every time they take a spoon full of soggy cereal. The seats across from them are still empty, reserved for Goshiki and Tendou.

The canteen is slowly filling, but it's all routine by now. Tooru ignores the line and walks straight to the end of it, leaning against the counter and chatting idly with Yachi, waiting for Ushijima to get his food. By now, Ushijima knows exactly what Tooru likes and what he doesn't, no need for Tooru to wobble along. Yachi is getting more and more open with him. Telling him about her girlfriend, Kiyoko, who's a police woman and with whom she's been with since high school. Kiyoko was her tutor and Tooru thinks their get together story is incredibly cute.

His talk with Yachi usually manages to brighten up the beginning of is day, especially if he gets to take a bath before. Afterwards, he's usually glowing anyway.

But his day considerably darkens when he hears the chairs opposite of his and Ushijima's being pulled back and two figures sitting down very distinctly not Tendou and Goshiki.

''Oikawa,'' Shigeru says, voice too sweet, reminding Tooru too much of Suga's.

Ushijima reacts immediately, sitting closer and broadening his stance, his facial expression getting defensive and calculating.

''Leave,'' Ushijima says, his tone very much threatening. Tooru puts a hand on his thigh.

''What do you want?,'' Tooru snarls. Mad-Dog growls.

''Aren't you getting tired of this? We are,'' Yahaba says. Mad-Dog doesn't even have a tray with him. Yahaba's is filled with slices of toasted bread and juice boxes. All pretend.

''I'm not asking again,'' Tooru says lowly.

Yahaba sighs. ''We have to spend at least five years together in this shithole and neither of us can change that. We can't kill you because your lover boy there would surely take revenge and in the end we're all dead. What good does that do.'' 

Yahaba gestures if whatever he said makes perfect sense but Tooru doesn't trust him one bit. He stays silent and so does Ushijima.

''Anyway,'' Shigeru says and shoots Mad-Dog a look, ''we thought we could call a truce. You, Ken and I should talk about making an arrangement. At least for the time we're here. Work out some rules to make our time here as peaceful as possible. What do you think?''

Tooru laughs. It's not a friendly laugh. ''Do you really think for a second that I would fall to this?''

''Take it or leave it, asshole,'' Kyoutani says angrily.

Shigeru just continues looking at Tooru intently. His eyes haven't changed while everything else about him grew up. But when Tooru looks into his eyes, he still sees the boy in the brothel, too young to work there, too young to even know what a brothel is. Tooru helped raising this boy, raised him and helped him develop a judgment for right and wrong, raised him to be a fighter, to stand for his family and go after the ones threatening that family.

''When and where,'' Tooru says cooly.

''Oikawa, no,'' Ushijima says.

''This afternoon before supper in the cellar? There are empty rooms we can use,'' Shigeru says.

''We'll be there,'' Tooru agrees.

''We? Are you attached by the hip by now? He's got nothing to do with what we have to talk about. Come alone or don't bother coming at all. We sure as hell won't share our gang internal secrets,'' Shigeru laughs.

''No,'' Ushijima says again, sternly.

''We'll see,'' Tooru says and stands up. ''Come on Ushiwaka, I've lost my appetite.''

Ushijima throws him another angry look before standing up dramatically, taking both their trays in his hands and following Tooru. Some haven't even got their breakfast but a friendly canteen guy takes their trays back nonetheless. Goshiki and Tendou give them offended looks when they spot them walking towards the library already.

''You're not going,'' Ushijima says.

''Of course I'm not going, you can't call this going, can you,'' Tooru says, ''I'm hobbling.''

''You're not funny,'' Ushijima says, holding open a door for him.

''I beg to differ. But yes, I'm going and you're coming with me, just not in a way they'll notice,'' Tooru explains. He isn't stupid, of course he wouldn't go without Ushijima, in fact he isn't going anywhere without Ushijima.

''I'm not your bodyguard,'' Ushijima says.

''Aren't you,'' Tooru says, smiling sweetly at him, sitting down on the counter next to Ushijima's working desk. Ushijima shakes his head at him but doesn't argue any more.

 

– – –

 

After work, Ushijima takes Tooru to the stairs that lead down to the cellar. They've discussed this the whole day, Ushijima alternating between passive-aggressively calling him stupid and distinctly-not-ignoring him. Tooru is delighted to discover that Ushijima has such a petty side on him, and even more delighted to witness him pouting. At some point he even dared poking a finger at Ushijima's cheek. He swatted Tooru's hand away the first time and after the third he didn't let go of it. Tooru liked this better, anyway, the hand-holding.

They agreed that Ushijima would wait in the stairway, still in hearing-distance but not in sight. Ushijima reluctantly agreed and even more reluctantly lets go of Tooru when he hobbles down the corridor and around the corner. It's awfully quiet down here.

Tooru thought about what kind of ambush Kyoutani and Shigeru have planned for him to run into and he wonders how he will get out of it again. He trusts in Ushijima though, as much as he trusts in himself that is. Of course he also thought about if maybe Shigeru was speaking the truth. That he really would like to call a truce. But it's unlikely and that's the funny thing about trust; the feeling is so deep, so intense that when you break that trust if feels like a part of you is ripped out. It's not just disappointment or betrayal, it's more. Tooru has helped Shigeru stand on his own feet, taught him that family was the highest good and has to be protected at all costs, and then he goes against a member of his own family. What Tooru did went against everything Shigeru was taught by him. So it's only natural to start doubting everything Tooru has ever taught him, every word of love and belonging and being a team. Tooru can only imagine what kind of thoughts must have gone through Shigeru's head when he heard the news. _Was everything he said a lie? Could it have been me?_

Deep in thought, he doesn't notice the footsteps coming closer until he sees a figure coming out of another corridor. Tooru turns and expects a mad-looking Kyoutani with a knife or even a gun but is baffled by the appearance of the sleazy guy that tried his luck with Tooru when he just got here. _What's he doing down here? Is he one of Suga's?_ Tooru huffs a laugh at the guy coming closer. Tooru's about to mock him when suddenly the guy kicks at one of his crutches. It's a close call but Tooru manages to shift his weight on the other crutch before that gets kicked away, too.

''What-,'' Tooru presses out before falling on his ass ungracefully, trying to take the weight from his injured knee.

''Doesn't feel so good lying on the ground and being looked down at, does it?,'' the guy says, a wicked grin on his lips.

''What the fuck do you want?,'' Tooru spats, trying to crawl backwards, away from the middle-aged man but to no avail. The guy follows him, raveling in the power Tooru's injury gives him. It's sick.

''Just a bit of fun,'' the asshole says, kicking Tooru's feet apart. ''Why don't you spread your legs for me, you little whore.''

Ice-cold pain shoots up Tooru's leg. His vision blurs and then goes black for a solid second. The guy kneels between Tooru's leg now, running one of his wrinkly hands up Tooru's leg.

''USHIJIMA!,'' Tooru shouts helplessly. He hopes Ushijima can still hear him. While Tooru was thinking he might have walked a little too far than initially planned.

He tries delivering a punch to the guy's jaw but he only takes both of Tooru's hands and keeps them above Tooru's head in a lock. Tooru writhes around, kicking his good leg, trying to get free but the asshole has put one of his own knees on top of Tooru's injured one, applying pressure and distracting Tooru with pain.

The guy leans over him, their noses touching. ''Too bad your little friend isn't here this time, huh honey.'' Tooru turns his face to the side in disgust. The breath that hits him smells like cigarettes and cheap coffee. He feels like puking. The hand on his leg wanders upwards, over his chest and to his neck.

''Be quiet and take- ,'' before he can even finish that sentence he is hauled upwards.

Tooru heard Ushijima getting closer but the guy must've been too focused on feeling Tooru up to notice. Tooru feels the pressure on his knee being lifted immediately, and he can finally breathe again. He sits up, both his hands on the ground to support him.

Ushijima has the man against the wall by his neck, his feet dangling in the air. The look on Ushijima's face is feral, more animal than human. Tooru startles when Ushijima starts talking in a voice he's never heard before.

''You disgusting piece of shit don't deserve me not killing you right here,'' he says darkly, Tooru shivers. ''You're worthless and a complete waste of space. How fucking dare you lay a hand on him? You don't even get to look at him, you pathetic little bastard.''

Tooru's never heard him use that kind of language. The man's face turns red with lack of oxygen, he kicks his feet helplessly, making little noises of pain, not able to form any words. Ushijima hits him, hard.

A door opens and a guard rushes out. ''Ushijima! Let go of him!,'' he yells.

Ushijima does not let go of him; he hits him again. Tooru jerks when he hears a bone cracking.

''Ushijima,'' he says loudly, and Ushijima finally lets go, the man falling to the ground like a rag doll, unconscious. Tooru reaches for his crutches, clambering to his feet in a hurry. The guard is running towards them. It's Sawamura.

Ushijima turns away from the unmoving body and shifts his attention back to Tooru. He comes closer, stops mere inches in front of him, his hands flutter to Tooru's face, knuckles split open and painted red.

''Are you okay?,'' he asks.

''Yes,'' Tooru says and bumps his forehead against Ushijima's.

Ushijima's hands are pulled backwards, twisted behind his back and his forehead detaches from Tooru's.

''This is the second time you're acting out in a week, Ushijima,'' Sawamura says, cuffing Ushijima's hands. ''I think that calls for a week of solitary confinement.''

 _Solitary confinement_.

Tooru's mouth falls open in shock. ''Fuck you,'' he spats when Ushijima remains silent.

Solitary is the second worst thing after a death sentence. But even that is debatable. A small room with nothing to distract the mind with. No windows, no people to talk to, no books, no TV, food delivered directly into the cell. People have gone mad in there. A whole week is torture. Some spend their entire lives in there, though, not even allowed to choose death instead. Imagining Ushijima in there, spending Christmas in there – missing his sister visiting. Tooru's heart stops abruptly.

''Fine, two weeks, you can thank Oikawa for that,'' Sawamura says coldly.

''No,'' Tooru says breathlessly. Ushijima's face hardens, lips thin and brows pulled together. This can't be happening, this has been the plan all along, hasn't it – Take Ushijima away from it, no, they can't- .

''Tooru,'' Ushijima pulls him out of his panic. ''Go to Tendou and Goshiki. Tell them they both have to watch over you.''

''No,'' Tooru repeats, his eyes shooting from Sawamura back To Ushijima. Sawamura tucks on Ushijima's cuffed hands, motioning for him to follow.

In a split moment, Tooru makes a decision. He lets go of his crutches and leaps forward, wrapping his arms around Ushijima's neck, pulling him closer again. '' _No_.''

Ushijima's nose nuzzles his temple tenderly. He whispers, ''look under my mattress, I hid your Christmas present there.''

Tooru breathes him in, unable to speak, he just nods. _Solitary confinement_. _Two weeks_.

''Come on Oikawa, let go,'' Sawamura says, handing him back his crutches. He lets go with a heavy heart.

''When I come back,'' Ushijima says, ''I'll ask you my last question.''

Tooru nods again, numb. Then Ushijima is brought away and Tooru remains in the middle of the cold, empty cellar. He stays long after the sounds of retreating footsteps have died away. It's so quiet.

 

– – –

 

Later that evening, when Tooru returns to the empty cell after Tendou helped him get up the stairs (he jostles him too much, doesn't support him enough), he looks under Ushijima's mattress.

He finds a bottle of coconut lotion.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He bought him coconut lotion, isn't he sweet. (Am I holding up good? Damn, plot-driven fics are so hard to write)
> 
> Oh and I'll edit the spacing tomorrow, I'm way too tired now to do that but I wanted to post the chapter anyway. I very much hope you like the new chapter!


	4. Common People with Common Stories

 

The cell is empty. Ushijima's bed is empty too, of course. On his pillow lies the book he likes to read before bedtime, the one he read from to Tooru that time in the bathtub. The one by Theodor Storm. The books in the prison library are mostly donations from other libraries or book collectors that died or simply donated a part of their collection, so it happens for a weird book to simply show up in one of their shelves, like this one. It's a two-language book; on one side the German poem and on the other the translation. Tooru sits down on Ushijima's bed, takes the book and opens it. _Close both my Eyes_. That's the poem Ushijima read to him, he remembers the title vividly. There is a dog-ear marking that page. Maybe it's one of Ushijima's favorites, Tooru's never asked.

He can't really sleep that night. He lies awake for hours in his own narrow bed, looking at the ceiling, at the white wall next to him, his own hands. The door is locked from the inside, giving the illusion of safety. He's never really noticed before how quiet it was here, at night. Without Ushijima softly snoring only a couple meters away from him, without him turning and mumbling in his sleep. Whenever Tooru tries to listen to what it is Ushijima says when he's dreaming, he feels like he's intruding, but he simply can't stop trying. Ushijima is by no means an open book, but Tooru craves to read him still. Only a chapter, only a paragraph, only Ushijima's voice reading a poem to him.

Here and now, Tooru has time to think about everything. There are no noises coming into their cell, everyone asleep. Four stories beneath him the only soul that seems to tolerate him in this place. Is he sleeping like the rest of the world? Or is he lying restless just like Tooru?

It has never been Shigeru's and Kyoutani's plan to let the guy rape him. They aren't stupid, they knew Tooru would not come alone. Sawamura came out of nowhere, probably hiding out in a room close to them waiting for the right moment to jump out and lock Ushijima away. Their plan was to separate them and they succeeded. Now Tooru's the most vulnerable he's ever been. Injured and alone. _Just two weeks_ , Tooru tells himself. Just pull through for two weeks and Ushijima will be back, will ask him his question. _Take that as your motivation_ , Tooru thinks as doubt threatens to overrun him, the irking of giving up being so tempting in this darkness.

Tooru sits up, grabs his crutches and hobbles over to Ushijima's bed, taking the book back in hand. At first he reads every page marked with a dog-ear. When he's read all of them he starts with the first page and starts reading again. He doesn't bother moving back to his own bed, he just reads and gets lost in rhymes and metaphors and the dry verses of German poetry, and it reminds him of Ushijima.

 

– – –

 

Of course Tooru is the one that has to tell the Swans that their boss is locked away in solitary confinement. Because of him. He would like to leave that detail out but it's understandable that the Swans want the whole story.

''So why the second week? Did he revolt?,'' Goshiki asks, exasperated. Tooru shakes his head reluctantly.

''I might have told Sawamura to go fuck himself,'' Tooru admits. While Tendou laughs loudly, throwing his head back, Goshiki goes stiff with pure unfiltered hatred in his eyes.

''Great Oikawa, now you got to look after your own ass, finally,'' Semi says. Tooru swallows. Should he even bother telling them what Ushijima told him to do, or should he just try to pull through on his own, and hope for the best, take it like a man, maybe. Truthfully, he hoped at least Tendou or Semi would offer to look after him, but well, wouldn't be the first time he misjudged a situation, is it. Tooru is bitter. Feels the guilt burning inside of him, burning him out.

''Don't be ridiculous,'' Goshiki says. ''Ushijima-san would be more than disappointed to find his favorite toy to be dead when he gets out. Tendou, you and I will look after him until boss is back.''

Tendou gives him a lazy grin before leaning into Tooru, putting a lanky arm around him. ''I'll be your shepherd, little lamb, don't you worry,'' he says and while Tooru should be grateful he isn't quite sure if this easy attitude does any good in a matter like this. But he takes what he can, what choice does he have anyway. It's just two weeks, two weeks... Two weeks with Goshiki by his side. Can he trust him? Ushijima trusts him and Tooru trusts Ushijima but can it work like that? It's obvious Goshiki hates his guts and that he's jealous. Tooru knows what jealousy can do to a person, knows how it eats at you, absorbs you. _Not safe, no choice, two weeks_.

''Would be nice if someone could help me get down he stairs in the morning. It took me almost an hour alone,'' Tooru says.

The guys laugh but Tooru is serious. He was done for after four stories, and now he has close to no energy for anything. It's only one of the obstacles he's facing. The guys also don't seem to notice that there is no tray sitting in front of him and Tooru doesn't dare ask, is too proud to ask for help. He's already dreading the next time he's scheduled to take a bath. Going alone is not really an option: Tooru can't get into the tub alone, never mind out, he can't take off his pants himself, can't get dressed. He'll need help and the guards are clearly out of the question, none of them are trustworthy. None.

The days are longer without Ushijima by his side, following him around, Tooru following him around. In the library he sits on a chair next to the counter, pen and a piece of paper in hand, waiting for the next guy to get in and ask for a Christmas gift for one of his loved ones. Tooru feels like he's getting sick, but maybe it's only the lack of sleep. Christmas is the last thing he wants to think about.

Tooru doesn't use the lotion. It sits on his cupboard untouched, not even opened. After work, after dinner, Tooru comes back to their cell, and it looks at him. It's not some drugstore bought lotion, either. It looks expensive and a look on the ingredients list shows it's infused with real coconut oil. Tooru's sure it smells fantastic, wonders if Ushijima ordered a selection and smell tested or just went for the most expensive one straight away. How much thought he must have put into it. And here Tooru is, sitting on Ushijima's cold, unmade bed, having nothing for him in return when he comes back. _After_ Christmas. He feels ungrateful and selfish. Hasn't even really thought about buying him something.

It's still before bedtime but Tooru lies down, pulling the blanket over his head. He can't tell whether it smells like Ushijima or just like anybody else in here, all the guys that lay before him in this bed, under this blanket, and all the guys that will after he's gone.

Like this, he falls asleep.

 

– – –

 

When Tooru wakes up, it's to a knock on the cell door. For a moment he hopes Ushijima will stand up and open it, and then comes the realization that he's self-responsible now. Painstakingly and with sleep-stiff limbs, Tooru grabs for his crutches and wobbles to the door.

Sure enough, two guards are waiting for him with unimpressed expressions.

''Bath time, pretty boy,'' one of them says. Tooru shudders.

''I'll need help. My cellmate isn't available at the moment, after all,'' he remarks, turning to make his – _Ushijima's_ – bed and getting his bundle of fresh clothing.

''That's what we're here for,'' the older guard says. He has mousy blond hair, an unkempt beard with a yellow mustache from smoking. The other guy is in his early thirties, tall and lanky, auburn hair combed in a way that's supposed to hide his receding hairline but doesn't actually succeed.

''No, I want a member of the Swans with me,'' Tooru says. He doesn't care which one at this point, hopes that Reon or Semi might show sympathy.

''Fine, whatever,'' Mousy Guy says and motions for Tooru to get it going.

They go two stories down and then to the end of the corridor. Tooru's never been here but it looks like all the floors do: gray walls, few and small windows, a row of barred doors.

Tall Guy loudly knocks on the door to the left before unlocking it and stepping in. Tooru can't really see whose cell they infiltrated but he hopes it's not Goshiki's.

''You. Special day for you today,'' the guard says. ''Get up and come with me.''

There is mumbled protest and rustling of sheets and then Goshiki appears in the door. Of course. He doesn't look happy, his hair tousled and his face grouchy, but the fire in his eyes when they fall upon Tooru so, so awake. Maybe choosing one of the guards would have been better, after all.

''What? Did he do something?,'' Goshiki whisper-shouts. Whoever his cellmate is, he doesn't want him to know what this is about.

''You need to assist him in the bathroom,'' Mousy Guy says, smug grin on his lips.

Goshiki is about to loudly protest, it's obvious, but the guard snaps his fingers in his face, pointing down the corridor. _No talk back_.

When they move down the stairs, Tooru feels two angry eyes staring holes into the back of his head. Goshiki is so easy to analyze but so very hard to control or charm. His dislike of Tooru is strikingly obvious but Tooru knows no way around it. Goshiki holds on to his hatred stronger than Tooru to his pettiness and that says a lot.

In the cellar, everything is as still and silent as the last times he's been here. But instead of tingling anticipation, there is caution and uneasiness spreading in his gut.

The lanky guard unlocks the door and kicks it open. ''How long do you need?''

''Fifteen minutes should be enough,'' Tooru says, walking – _hobbling_ – through the door. Oh, how he's getting tired of needing crutches all the time, he wishes he could just stand on his own again, strut around like his old self.

The door falls shut behind them and Tooru is alone with a man who'd rather have him gone and forgotten about already. He at least hopes Goshiki isn't planning on drowning him, drowned bodies look just so unflattering in a casket, after all.

''So, what now?,'' Goshiki says, arms crossed. He looks as uncomfortable as Tooru feels. The tension between them is maddening and for an entirely different reason than the tension between Ushijima and Tooru has been.

Tooru sits down on the edge of one of the bathtubs, tired. ''You help me get off my pants and into the tub.''

He gets rid of his shirt quickly, the cold air hitting his skin and making him shiver. Then he starts with the pants, pulls them down as far as he can and then looks up at Goshiki for help. Goshiki sighs loudly, purposely, and crouches beside him. His hands are shaking a little, whether because of his unfiltered aggression or because of nerves. Then he grabs the hem of the pants and pulls them down unceremoniously. Tooru tries to avoid eye-contact. He realizes the inherently sexual context of their interaction and the sheer lack of any sexual attraction, and tries to make this seem as comfortable and normal as possible, as if he's done this a hundred times already. And he has, of course, but getting clean has always been secondary with Ushijima with him down here.

When Tooru's underwear is gone as well, and the tub half-full, he stops the water. He waits for a hand or an arm in support but waits futilely. When Tooru turns around he notices Goshiki looking down at him unabashedly, arms crossed again, face bitter. He lightly kicks at Tooru's foot with his own.

''So this is what all the fuss is about,'' he says. Tooru blinks.

''What?''

Tooru feels naked. Goshiki uses this situation for domination and that's the exact reason Ushijima didn't trust him with Tooru's protection in the first place, Tooru realizes. It's not his age or his lack of experience, it's Goshiki not having found his place yet, not having found into himself. He lacks self-confidence. And he abuses situations that make him feel in power. It's entirely childish.

Tooru doesn't let him be childish, though. Head turned upwards, eyes disinterested, legs spread a little to demonstrate his self-awareness. Goshiki reminds him a great lot of himself when he was half his age. Goshiki notices the change, takes a step back.

''I just don't get it,'' Goshiki says, exasperated and defenseless.

Tooru waits patiently to continue, not looking away from Goshiki, face stern. He sees the exact moment Goshiki breaks. He ruffles his hair gracelessly.

''Why are you so special?,'' he almost yells. ''You almost break his arm and take out a man and he _loses_ it over you. We could all do that, _I have_ done that. You insult him left and right and literally u- use him and he lets you! He just lets you do that and he even wants you to do that because of this? Long legs and a pretty face? You do nothing for him, nothing and I- it's just so unfair. I do everything for him and he-''

''Doesn't see you,'' Tooru finishes. Goshiki finally meets his eyes. His mouth is pulled downwards and his eyes seem glassy. He breathes irregularly, his neck covered in angry, red blotches. He turns around quickly, wiping at his face, ashamed.

''You're in love with him,'' Tooru says, empathetic.

''Don't say it like you know me,'' Goshiki swivels around. ''You don't know nothing! You've been here what? A couple months? Ha. Ushijima-san isn't stupid, he'll see. When the pretty face loses its effect he'll see.'' With a judgmental finger he points at Tooru, as if to prove his point. Futile.

''See what,'' Tooru says. ''What will he see?''

Goshiki searches his face, eyes almost frantic, angry. Tooru is calm.

''I'm a coward and I'm cruel. I'm not brutal but I'm cruel and I don't know if that's worse or better. Ushijima knows that. Me. Believe me when I say that I know I have done nothing to deserve him. But if he wants me, in whichever way, I will give everything I've got to him. I'll take what I can from him, too. I'm greedy and I'm selfish and he's the only beautiful thing in this goddamn place and I won't let him wilt in here. If he'll have me, I won't say no. If he chooses to see me for who I am and still will have me, I will let him have me.''

''I've been in love with him for five years,'' Goshiki says and his voice sounds incredibly thin, incredibly young. He stands there, shoulders sagging, bravely trying to keep in the tears, barely anything at all left of him. He must have been something more once, outside these walls. Bright and strong and loud. These walls must have eaten at him. Must have stolen his brightness.

''There is nothing I can say to you to make it hurt less,'' Tooru says quietly. ''I don't know if I could let go of him either.''

Goshiki says nothing. Nothing for a long time.

The water goes cold and Tooru prepares for having to stay stinky a couple of days more. But if Goshiki needs this time, and Tooru is sure he does, he will let him have it. Hurting, aching, breaking is essential to finally letting go. Goshiki needs to let go and he starts to realize this, before he disappears completely and fades into the gray of the walls and the filth on the ground.

Tooru tries not to stare but he can't help but observe Goshiki's face twisting and changing. His mouth twitches, his eyes close and open, close longer and flutter open again. Tooru'd give anything to know what's going on in Goshiki's head at this moment. What he remembers and what he tries to forget, what he thrashes out and what he works on accepting. Then Tooru realizes what a private moment he's intruding on and averts his eyes. He tries imagining young Goshiki arriving here and meeting Ushijima, what made him fall in love with him in the first place. If it were the same things Tooru- .

''Come on,'' Goshiki says suddenly, closing the distance between them. He offers Tooru his hand. Tooru takes it and relies on Goshiki to support him. Goshiki heaves Tooru into the tub before he sacks to the ground next to it, uncaring for the cold tiles or the dirt.

''Can you badmouth him a little?,'' Goshiki asks.

Tooru is surprised but a chuckle just tumbles out.

''His farts smell worse than a cow's butthole,'' he says. Goshiki laughs, letting his head fall against the edge of the tub.

''Did you know that he's oblivious when people are mocking him?,'' He offers.

''Tell me about it,'' Tooru laughs.

 

– – –

 

Goshiki has helped him realize something, somehow. Tooru's done nothing for Ushijima. Absolutely nothing while Ushijima has done everything he could for him.

The truth is, Tooru has grown comfortable with his crutches. Relies on them not because of necessity but because he enjoys not having to carry the weight on his shoulders all by himself. He ravels in being looked after, being cared for for once in his pathetic little life and allows himself to be helpless. Ushijima let him. Ushijima let him be weak and vulnerable. Understood that Tooru needed to become raw and open to find the way back to himself.

Another truth is, that Tooru secretly, very deep down, likes this limited world they're living in because he's scared.

 

It was night because people like Tooru don't want their faces to be seen. Seijoh had been short of money for quite some time already and Tooru was at the limit of his possibilities. He's sworn himself he wouldn't start playing with drugs, there were so many kids in Seijoh after all, all those kids without a past and without a future and Tooru refused to ruin their present, as well. So no drugs. In the end it was simple, they didn't have money so what do you do? Make your own, of course. It was night, long after twilight, and Tooru took Kageyama to the outskirts of town where an old factory stood empty and unused. The whole town knew that the factory was used very much still, but they all pretended they didn't know.

Inside were half a dozen printing machines. Tooru had worked days and nights figuring out how to go at it. He met with artists and known counterfeiters to get their advice and tonight was the night he'd finally let the machines roll. This was supposed to be Kageyama's thing soon. Far away from the headquarters and the heart of Seijoh in a little factory all by himself. Iwaizumi would have had to drive out quite a bit to see his little lover.

''Your job is simple,'' Tooru said. ''Press the button, make your rounds, and observe the area.''

Kageyama nodded eagerly, always eager to please and live up to Tooru's expectation which was laughable, because Tooru had no expectations for him. He was simply scared of the kid's abilities.

They were judging the first stack of their freshly printed bogus money when they heard the sirens. It wasn't the first time the police caught on to them but it was in a way suspicious they'd find them here, that they even cared. Tooru knew they had a mole somewhere but he didn't have much time to look into the matter, yet. Too busy to survive.

''We have to burn it,'' Tooru yelled. They would lose a lot of money but what else were they supposed to do. He drew his matches and lit a couple on fire, throwing them on the printers, on the stack of paper, on the counterfeited money. Soon the whole factory filled with smoke and flames, licking up the walls.

''Oikawa-san, what do we do?,'' Kageyama asked, panic clear in his voice. Drops of sweat were rolling down his forehead, his dark hair plastered to his reddened skin. The flames behind him, around him, only mirrored Tooru's feelings about him.

The smoke clouded his head, fogged up his thoughts. He turned and he ran. He crossed the factory in a matter of seconds, heading to the only exit still untouched by the fire. It was so hot in there, Tooru imagined his skin melting off. The handle was warm under his hand. He opened the heavy door and let it close again. About to run off, ignoring the car waiting for him in the parking lot, he found himself hesitating. He looked at the handle. There was a rusty looking lock, he'd just have to twist it around, just a tiny flick of his wrist...

He did it, his mind running a mile a minute. The lock shut closed. Then he fled.

There were shouts and more sirens and cars coming and leaving and Tooru blended it all out, ran, ran, ran. The heat was still clinging to his skin, so was the soot, the black on his hands and cheeks, but he ran. He was half-way down the street when he realized what he had done.

The thing he's most ashamed of though, is not the fact that he fed Kageyama to the wolves, but the reason why he decided to come back.

 _Tooru didn't want to face the consequences of his actions_.

He realized that his feet wouldn't carry him much longer and he will fall, fall and crumble and running away will become harder and harder in the world he lives in because it was too late already, the damage was already done and Tooru had _no choice_ anymore.

When he came back, the factory stood in flames and there were policemen and women everywhere. Kageyama was nowhere in sight but there were ambulances, many of them. Before Tooru even knew what was happening, there was a policewoman in front of him. There was soot on her nose.

''You can't go in there, sir,'' she said and Tooru was too out of it to laugh, even though he would've if he had been in his right mind.

''I did that,'' Tooru said instead. ''There is still someone in there, did you get him out?''

''Excuse me, sir?''

''I'm Oikawa Tooru,'' Tooru said.

The woman took a moment to realize that she had just accidentally caught a wanted criminal, the son of a very well-known drug lord, the leader of the top gang in the whole city. She shook the shock off relatively quickly, though.

''Oikawa Tooru, I'm arresting you for various crimes, among them counterfeiting and multiple criminal assault,'' she said, cuffing him.

Tooru went willingly.

 

His feet refused carrying him much longer so he had let others carry him from that moment on. That day he lost the last bit of humanity he had still in him. He's trying to regain it somehow, in some way. All Tooru needed was a good enough reason.

Now that he has one, he's done being passive.

 

– – –

 

The next day, Tooru asks Goshiki to go down to the cellar with him. Surprisingly, he doesn't complain or refuse to go, he simply nods and asks Tooru when. So late afternoon when they're done with work and Tooru is done with watching the others work, they make their way downstairs.

It gets cooler with every step and Tooru briefly wonders if it's that cold in solitary, too. It probably is. He shivers. The lights are low and some are flickering, casting shadows and then again not. It's quiet and eerie but Tooru is untouched by the grim atmosphere. Goshiki doesn't seem to bother either.

''So, why are we here?,'' he asks, hands in his pants pockets, round back.

''Just looking around,'' Tooru says vaguely. He can practically feel Goshiki's eyeroll but chooses not to acknowledge the clear sign of annoyance.

He tries to estimate exactly where everything happened. In his head, Tooru recreates his way down the stairs to where the asshole assaulted him and where Ushijima found him in the end. It's hard to tell, everything looks basically the same, there are no paintings hanging on the walls or other items by which Tooru could tell where he was that day. So instead he just trusts his gut feeling.

''Seriously, Oikawa- ''

''Here,'' Tooru interrupts and stops abruptly. Goshiki almost runs straight into his back but catches himself in the last moment.

''You're here for burglary, right?,'' Tooru asks, estimating which door it could have been Sawamura jumped out of. He remembers it must have been a few doors down, maybe two or three, or maybe even further? Everything happened just so fast and Tooru's attention was mostly on Ushijima handling that other guy.

''Uh... Among other things, yes,'' Goshiki says, uncertain.

''Then you probably know how to pick locks, right?''

''Yes, of course. But Tendou is quicker than I am.''

''Could you open that door for me, please?,'' Tooru says, gesturing to a door he thinks could've been the one Sawamura was hiding out in.

''I need my kit,'' Goshiki says, looking to the side suspiciously.

Tooru turns to face him. ''C'mon, Goshiki.''

Goshiki sighs, shakes his sleeve a little. One moment Goshiki's hand is empty, the other he's holding a tweezers-like thing in it.

''This one?,'' he asks.

''Yes.''

Goshiki kneels down and puts the little metallic thing inside the lock, he turns it a couple of times and presses the handle and then, with a pop, the door is open. All of that happened in less than half a minute. And Tendou can do it faster? Tooru would say Goshiki is greatly underestimating his own abilities, a quirk Tooru's never had.

Goshiki kicks the door open and takes a step back, making room for Tooru to peek inside. Tooru flicks on the light and looks around. An abundance of chairs. Nothing else. Tooru shakes his head, walking out again.

''Can you open that one?,'' Tooru asks, pointing to the next one down the row.

Goshiki throws him a look Tooru has no trouble reading. But he still kneels down in front of the next one and picks this one's lock, too. This door, too, springs open and Goshiki is so kind to flick on the lights for Tooru, this time.

They don't have all the time in the world; guards come down here quite often and if one of the Crows finds them snooping around in their territory, they're definitely in trouble.

Tooru looks around the room. An abundance of _mattresses_.

''Bingo,'' Tooru says, grinning.

 

– – –

 

No one is there to help him get down the stairs the next morning. Tooru sighs and tries seeing it as only the next big adventure. A slightly over-exerting morning work-out.

The night has been another quiet and lonesome experience. Tooru was unaware how accustomed he had grown to having another person sleeping in the same room with him but now he even misses it. Even the farts, in a strange way.

People are passing him on the stairs, he gets an elbow here and there and some not-so-nice patter he simply ignores. They're not worth it to get himself in danger or trouble for. He's in enough trouble as it is. One hand on the handrail, the other holding both his crutches. Like this he is hopping down step for step, step for step.

He's concentrating on keeping his balance when he hears heavy steps approaching and then feels a hand on his back. Then a _push_.

Tooru lets go of the crutches immediately, they fall on the metal of the stairs with a loud _clung,_ and Tooru clings to the handrail desperately, his other arm shooting out to catch himself in case he falls forward. Another push. Tooru cranes his neck and sees the angry grimace of Kyoutani, looking down at him without pity. Or mercy.

He tries to keep the weight off of his injured knee, standing on one leg only. Another push and he can't hold himself anymore, loses his grip and falls.

''The fuuuck,'' he hears someone croon and then there is an arm catching him, hindering him from falling, falling, breaking his neck. He sees Reon going up the stairs, grabbing Kyoutani by the collar and pulling his face close, hissing something in his face Tooru can only hear the half of.

He then realizes that it's Tendou supporting him. ''So impatient, little lamb, we were just on our way to get you.''

Tooru purses his lips, he barely suppresses the scolding that comes to him automatically. But Tendou just more or less saved his life, so he swallows whatever he wants to say and concentrates back on Kyoutani.

''You hear me, you're dead,'' says Reon and lets go. Kyoutani looks like he wants to say something back but a quick glance down the stairs makes him flee. There are a couple of guards rushing upstairs, towards the tumult.

Tooru catches himself, one hand secure on the handrail again, Tendou's arm around his shoulder. They assure the guards that Tooru just tumbled down the stairs and that nothing else happened. It's a lie and the guards know it, but they take it.

 

The whole ordeal encourages Tooru to speed up a little in his mission to get back on his own two feet. Somehow, he keeps forgetting that Kyoutani and Yahaba aren't joking around, still doesn't quite take them seriously. In his head, they're still the angry kid whose parents simply left him when they moved to another city, and the boy whose prettiness had become his dilemma. But those kids obviously did some growing up and Tooru should accept this better sooner than later.

He goes about his day like he usually does. In the library he sits on the counter like a pretty bouquet of flowers (which he feels like is really his function here) and waits for inmates to approach him, some going about it overly casual, some obviously doing this for the first time and being nervous.

For the first time ever, Tooru puts a wish of his own on the list. A camcorder. Doesn't matter which one, it only has to be cheap. He's got a little money on his account so he can splurge now and again and it's Christmas soon anyway, isn't it? After a moment of thought he puts two other items on the list next to his own name. Condoms and lube.

''Isn't that a little presumptuous?,'' Semi says, looking over Tooru's shoulder. Tooru flinches.

''You'd crave a little intimacy too, after two weeks all by yourself, wouldn't you?,'' he says, indignant.

''Sure,'' Semi says. ''But who says he wants to be intimate with you of all people? You got him in there in the first place.''

Frankly, Tooru hasn't thought about that. When they said goodbye, Ushijima didn't seem angry at him at all, but that can easily change after two weeks by himself. Enough time to overthink everything, right? What if he realizes that Tooru isn't worth his efforts at all, what if he really gives Tooru the blame? Of course it's been Tooru's fault but he didn't know what would happen, wouldn't have done it if he knew- .

''Chill,'' Semi interrupts his panic. ''I bet he's just as thirsty for you as you are for him.''

Tooru gapes, opens his mouth and closes it again, very much like a fish out of water. ''I'm not _thirsty_!''

Semi grins. ''Sure.''

Tooru huffs and puffs, lost for words and trying very hard to hide the redness of his cheeks. He's too old to feel like this. Talking and joking about sex is his second nature, he sure as hell isn't embarrassed about the fact that he'd like to have sex with Ushijima. Then again, his blush takes a whole of ten minutes to fade. Semi doesn't say anything after that but the way he keeps looking at Tooru says it all. Tooru sighs. He really feels like a fish out of water.

 

– – –

 

Semi helps him with his lunch that day. He goes about it with as much enthusiasm and empathy as you would imagine, half-heartedly walking next to Tooru with his tray in hand, his eyes lazily wandering over this day's menu.

When they finally get to the main dish, Tooru is delighted to see Yachi being the one handing out food today. She really is a lovely girl, with her kind eyes and the heart-warming smile. Tooru wonders if she would've been his type if he weren't as gay as he is. Probably not though. Tooru likes people he can't crush with just his pinky finger.

''Hello, Oikawa,'' Yachi greets him, handing out a plate with mashed potatoes.

''Ah, mashed potatoes,'' Tooru muses. ''I hope they're not coming with razor blades this time.''

Yachi pales. All color leaves her face at once and the hand with which she is holding his plate starts shaking dramatically. Her mouth, a second ago pulled in a little lovely smile, now hangs open, bottom lip quivering.

''I... I- d-don't,'' she stammers helplessly.

''Uh-uh, Yachi-chan,'' Tooru waggles a finger at her. ''We both know you know exactly what I'm talking about. But I shall forgive you.''

Semi, still standing loyally next to him, follows Tooru's and Yachi's exchange with bewildered, wide eyes. Tooru hopes he has the time to finish this quite interesting conversation before some Crow might fly by and ruin everything as usual.

''How did you... How do you know it was me?,'' Yachi asks in an unsteady voice. One of her colleagues takes the ladle from her with an annoyed 'tsk' and continues handing out the potatoes for her.

''Well, that was easy, but we don't have time for that right now,'' Tooru says, leaning over the counter. ''We have two options. One, I get you fired for attempted murder so you no longer stand behind the counter but right here where I'm standing. Or two, you make it up to me.''

A big tear rolls down Yachi's cheek and Tooru almost feels sorry for her. Well, almost. In the end he's the same asshole he's been when he first got here, in his head no room for the stupid little emotion that is sympathy.

''How?,'' Yachi asks, wobbly voice cracking around the word.

''Oh, I have something in mind, actually,'' Tooru says.

 

– – –

 

In the afternoon he goes to visit Hanamaki. Goshiki refuses to wait outside so he sits down next to him on the heavy wooden bank, waiting for the priest to come out of his what Tooru suspects is his supply room/sex chamber/weed storage room all in one. Goshiki looks vaguely uncomfortable, sniffing the air and probably realizing that it isn't incense he's smelling. He rubs his hands on his pants, probably nervous. Tooru suspects that Goshiki has had more than one negative experience connected to church, or at least people practicing religion.

Tooru leans back, legs and arms comfortably spread out. He groans, Hanamaki sure is taking his time today.

''This is not legit, is it?,'' Goshiki hisses. ''It smells like weed in here.''

Tooru chuckles, shaking his head.

Then the door springs open and there is the priest, dressed in all black except for the little white thing around the neck. Tooru can only imagine what must go through Goshiki's head at Hanamaki's appearance. First of all his age, then the pink hair, and not to forget the blown pupils that speak of a good time indeed.

''Two lost souls, today! I am truly blessed,'' Hanamaki greets them. ''Who's this, that's not your usual Swan. And here I thought Swans were monogamous.''

''Ushiwaka is in solitary till after Christmas,'' Tooru explains, heart heavy. Hanamaki pulls up his brows but doesn't comment. At this point, he probably doesn't even want to know anymore.

''Alright,'' he drawls. ''What can I do for you today? Are you out of sleeping pills?''

''Actually yes,'' Tooru says. ''But that's not why I'm here. I need you to get out a message for me again.''

Hanamaki's face falls. ''Tooru, man, it was tough enough to get that first message out to Kags, he really doesn't want anything to do with you.''

Tooru still flinches at the name. Holds his breath in a moment too long. He's gotta work on that.

''It's not for... Kageyama,'' he says. ''It's for Ushijima's sister.''

Goshiki fidgets with his hands, distinctly looking down at his feet.

Hanamaki brightens up again at that. ''I'll need a name, though.''

Tooru turns to Goshiki. He feels slightly ashamed that he doesn't even know Ushijima's sister's name but feels entitled to contact her. _It's for a good cause_ , he thinks, _a really good cause_. Goshiki looks at him like a deer caught in the headlights. Tooru just hopes Goshiki will cut the pretense that he doesn't know pretty much every detail about Ushijima.

''Haruka,'' he sighs eventually.

''And what should I tell Ushijima Haruka? You got a letter again?,'' Hanamaki asks, leaning against the very poorly decorated altar. A mini plastic Christmas tree is lovelessly placed in the center of it with a couple of mismatched candles around it.

''No,'' Tooru says. ''Just tell her that she shouldn't come before Christmas, but the week after, when Ushijima is back out. Tell her it wasn't his fault he got put in solitary.''

''Whose fault was it then?,'' Hanamaki asks.

Tooru looks at his hands. They're calloused from using the crutches all the time. ''Mine.''

Hanamaki nods. ''Okay, then. I'll find her and then let her know.''

''Thanks,'' Tooru says. ''I owe him that much.''

Goshiki just nods.

 

– – –

 

Christmas in prison is exactly as dull and sad as you would expect. It's snowing outside but they're not allowed to go out. There are quite a few candles in the community room but they're not lit, of course. The cookies that are handed out are store-bought and lack the love of a doting grandmother or a melancholic dad, thinking back to the time when he could hold his child with one arm only. The decoration is self-made by the anger-management therapy group. It's quite charming.

Tooru hobbles around with a Christmas hat on his head that Tendou gave to him this morning. He didn't expect getting any presents but was still pleasantly surprised when Tendou handed him the small box at breakfast. It's nothing big but the gesture is what counts. He's got Tendou a fluffy lamb plushie he promptly declared to be called ''Tooru-chan'' and that he now carries around with him wherever he goes. It was a last minute decision to get presents for his... whatever they are to him. They've been almost like friends these past twelve days. Goshiki hit him on the head when Tooru handed him the little card that confirmed his monthly subscription to _Buff Beauties._

''Very funny,'' Goshiki remarks but can't hide his amused smile.

Goshiki hasn't gotten him anything but that's okay, he's done enough for Tooru already.

Under his pillow, Tooru hides the last present he bought, patiently waiting for Ushijima to finally be released. _Only two more days_ , Tooru reminds himself when he's sitting in the community room with every other inmate that's interested in celebrating Christmas. They put all the tables together and made rows with every chair they could find in the middle of the room. They're showing a Christmas movie Tooru isn't really interested in but watches nevertheless. He's content after his call with Iwa-chan that afternoon. They simply wished each other merry Christmas and Iwa told him that he'll celebrate it with his parents this year. Tooru timidly asked him if Kageyama would be there, too, and Iwa hesitantly confirmed.

''I'm glad,'' Tooru says and means it. ''Neither of you should be alone on Christmas.''

''Yeah... I guess so,'' Iwa says. ''Try to have a good time yourself.''

''Of course, Iwa-chan. Merry Christmas.''

''Merry Christmas, Tooru.''

It felt good hearing Iwa's voice. Of course it would've been even nicer to actually see Iwa but Tooru understands that it needs time till they're back to normal again. But they're getting there. Slowly but steadily.

 

In the evening, after lights out, Tooru lies in bed and thinks of Ushijima. Of how he's sitting in his tiny cell all alone. Maybe he doesn't even realize it's Christmas. Time is somehow revoked when you're down there. You lose grip of when it's day and when it's night, of how much time has passed and how much time you still have to spend in there. Ushijima doesn't know that his sister will visit him before New Years, that Tooru is alive and okay, that the world continues spinning even without him here. Still, it's different. Very much so. Lonely. Quiet. Even though Ushijima isn't the most talkative or loudest person, he has a presence that fills every room. Nobody could feel lonely with Ushijima close by. At least, that's what Tooru thinks.

 _Only two more days_.

''Merry Christmas, Ushiwaka,'' Tooru says quietly, eyes closed.

 

– – –

 

It's the day. Tooru is practically buzzing when he wakes up. On the one hand it's the day Ushijima finally comes back, and on the other he finally has his appointment to get the brace off. Coincidentally, both fall on the same day and Tooru can't decide which he's more excited for (Ushijima, definitely Ushijima).

So it's barely half-past four when he sits on his bed, impatiently tapping with his foot. He washes his face once, twice, and returns to his bed. Time unfortunately doesn't speed up. His head is full with thoughts of Ushijima deciding to let go off him, and the joy of finally having him back. He's grown too attached, Tooru realizes with a jolt. Attachment usually means vulnerability and Tooru refuses to be vulnerable any longer. But he has a feeling that... feeling strongly for Ushijima wouldn't make him weaker. Both of them are too proud for weakening for the other, Tooru reckons.

His gaze catches the untouched bottle of coconut lotion. Without thinking too much about it, Tooru grabs it and pours a small amount in his palm. He rubs it into his arms and hands and also on his neck and nape. Every patch of skin that is exposed. It smells fantastic.

He hopes Ushijima will think so, too. That he'll appreciate Tooru wanting to smell nice for him.

Then finally, _finally_ he hears steps walking down the corridor. It's still not even five yet, but he's asked the others and all of them said that you get let out of solitary in the morning. Tendou's spent enough time in there to be sure of that. It can only be Ushijima, Tooru is sure.

He scrambles to his feet and unlocks the door from the inside. Anticipation makes him flimsy and it takes two tries to finally unlock. Then he takes a few shaky steps back and stands in the middle of the cell, feeling lost and hyped-up.

A fast knock on the door in warning and then the jiggling of keys. The door swings open, the guard steps aside and _then_ , then Ushijima stands before him.

He looks tired and faded. Slimmer, too, Tooru thinks. There are dark circles beneath his hazel eyes but the moment they land on Tooru they light up.

''Tooru,'' he says and it sounds breathless.

Tooru taps his foot on the floor, in that moment more than ever annoyed that he has those stupid crutches because without them he would've leaped at Ushijima, strangled him with his arms and possibly never let go.

But he's also uncertain. Would Ushijima even want him to?

Ushijima takes the decision from him and takes three long steps in his direction before there are strong arms encircling Tooru's waist and a pale face pressed into Tooru's nape. That's when Tooru understands that he can let go of his crutches. They fall to the ground, forgotten, as Tooru hugs Ushijima back, pressing closer. It reminds him of how they said goodbye, two weeks ago. It feels like they're simply continuing from where they left off.

Ushijima inhales deeply. ''That's your smell,'' he says.

Tooru nods, eyes teary. ''Yes,'' he croaks.

''I hate to interrupt the heartfelt reunion,'' the guard says loudly. ''But you have to take a bath before your appointment today.''

They let go of each other immediately after being so harshly reminded that they're not alone. Ushijima looks from Tooru back to the guard and then realization seems to hit him. Tooru is all healed after weeks of being handicapped.

They go down the stairs and Ushijima's arm is familiar around Tooru's waist. The rough patch of Ushijima's thumb is drawing circles on Tooru's ribs like it's always done, being steadying and calming at the same time. Ushijima handles him differently than Tendou does. With care, with thought. Not delicately but gently.

When they finally reach the bottom level, Tooru smiles up at Ushijima in thanks. But that's not enough, he thinks and cranes his head up to be able to chastely kiss Ushijima on the cheek. Tooru doesn't know why he does it, simply for the pleasure of it, probably. Ushijima doesn't exactly smile but he looks content at the gesture.

''How long do you need?,'' the guard asks, clearly wishing to be doing something else at this time of day.

''Half an hour,'' Tooru says. ''Maybe longer. It's really difficult to get clean with this brace on, you know.''

The guard rolls his eyes. ''Whatever.''

And suddenly, they're alone.

Ushijima leans against the closed door, eyes on Tooru, and Tooru looks back. He doesn't know where to start, doesn't know what Ushijima wants to hear. Ushijima's face gives nothing away, he just looks.

''Please ask your question,'' Tooru says in a heartbeat.

Ushijima walks towards him, eyes just as longing as Tooru's are. When he stands before him, only a breath away, Ushijima leans down slightly, their noses brushing.

''Can I kiss you?,'' he whispers, his lips brushing against Tooru's already.

''Yes,'' Tooru murmurs, pressing closer.

It's a chaste kiss, a simple press of lips against lips. Simple like Ushijima, simple like what they have, simple like how their mouths just fit perfectly together. Their lips move gently against each other, Ushijima's hand warm on the nape of his neck. Tooru leans into the kiss, opens his mouth slightly and Ushijima adapts to him immediately. Their tongues touch and Tooru lets out a small, happy noise. Ushijima hums. They kiss until they're breathless. Then they pull away from each other. Ushijima looks down at Tooru with disarmingly fond eyes. Tooru can barely stand it.

''I'm sorry,'' Tooru says, after long consideration.

''What are you sorry for?,'' Ushijima asks.

Tooru turns away, moves to sit down on the bathtub, putting his crutches aside and folding his hands in his lap. That's the thing with Ushijima. Tooru doesn't need to look at him to know where he is. So when Ushijima approaches him, Tooru doesn't need to look up, he just feels Ushijima getting closer and it's scary and exciting at the same time. Ushijima falls to his knees in front of him. He cups Tooru's cheek with one hand, the other on Tooru's knee.

''What are you sorry for?,'' he asks again, softly.

''It's my fault you got locked away,'' Tooru says. ''I knew it was a trap and I pulled you into it with me. I was reckless and you had to suffer the consequences. It's not fair.''

Ushijima still holds Tooru's face in his hand, oh so very gently.

''I know many people think I'm simple-minded, and I guess it's true in a way, but I'm not stupid, Tooru,'' Ushijima says. ''I knew what I was throwing myself into. It was worth it.''

Tooru's head shoots up. He gapes at Ushijima, who is so, so close now, unbelieving of what he just heard. But Ushijima's face is open, his eyes honest. He means it.

 _It was worth it._ Going to prison for eight years was worth it, too. If it meant to meet this man. Ushijima is worth it, too.

''Take a bath with me,'' Tooru says.

Ushijima swallows, searches Tooru's face, finds what he's looking for, and nods. Ushijima helps him undress and when his pants are off, he presses a kiss to Tooru's injured knee. Breathing gets harder after that. When Tooru is naked, the cold air teasing his skin and the water waiting warm next to him, Ushijima sheds his own clothing. Tooru watches him intently. Ushijima lets him. Being naked with him feels unbearably natural and Tooru wishes he could save this feeling for times when Ushijima isn't sleeping just across the room from him. At the same time he hopes there will never again be a time without Ushijima sleeping next to him.

Ushijima gets into the water first, leaning back, making room for Tooru. With his help, Tooru settles between his legs, his own injured leg hanging over the edge casually. With a shaky exhale he relaxes against Ushijima's chest, feeling his hard muscle underneath his head, his soft cock on Tooru's lower back, his broad palm rubbing up and down Tooru's arm comfortingly.

While Tooru's heart is beating wildly, it doesn't feel completely unfamiliar. They've seen each other naked and also touched each other intimately before, this just feels like the next step. _Natural_.

''I haven't had a bath in ten years,'' Ushijima says in an easy tone. Tooru rests his head on Ushijima's shoulder, his temple against Ushijima's cheek. He hasn't been this relaxed in the longest time.

''God, I missed you,'' Tooru says eventually. Ushijima turns his head to press a kiss to Tooru's temple.

''I was worried about you,'' Ushijima says. ''I didn't know whether you were alive or dead.''

Tooru winces. He reaches for Ushijima's hand intuitively, loosely lacing their fingers together. He slowly guides it to his own chest to place it over his beating heart.

''I'm very much alive right now,'' Tooru breathes. ''And I didn't idle away my time, either. With your help, I'm gonna put a stop to Kyoutani, Yahaba, and Suga. So that we can have our peace in here. Together. If you want.''

Ushijima doesn't move his hand. Tooru doesn't either. He likes Ushijima's big hand on him, on his bare skin. It's an entirely innocent gesture and while Tooru greatly appreciates and welcomes the simple sweetness of it he's more than once filled his lonely nights with thoughts of what those hands could do to him and what he could do with his own hands.

''Tooru,'' Ushijima murmurs, surely noticing the change in mood.

''Touch me,'' Tooru says and suddenly he needs it, needs Ushijima's hands on his entire body all at once. Needs the intimacy and the closeness. He turns his head to put his mouth on Ushijima's jaw only to feel the stubble of several days without a good shave beneath his lips. He likes the roughness very much in this tender moment.

Ushijima starts moving his hand, running it down Tooru's torso, over his chest and toned stomach, down his pelvis muscle, close enough to tease, and then back upwards. He catches one of Tooru's already erect nipples and rolls it between his thumb and pointer finger, tugs on it lightly before gently caressing it again to sooth any discomfort. Tooru lets out a breathy moan when he feels Ushijima getting hard against him. Tooru's injury puts a limit to what they can do right now, though. Without it, Tooru would have turned around, fully sitting in Ushijima's lap, kissing down his neck to his navel probably, up again. But the way they are now is perfect, too.

Tooru takes Ushijima's hand and guides it down, slowly, confidently till it dives under the warm water. He guides it over both his hipbones, lets Ushijima's curious fingers explore them before he gets impatient again and moves the hand lower still.

When Ushijima takes Tooru in hand, he can barely keep in his moan. They need to be quiet, he knows, but staying quiet with Ushijima's hand around his cock is an impossibility. Ushijima kisses at his temple soothingly, kisses the corner of Tooru's eye, everything he can reach as he gives Tooru's cock a slow pull. His pointer finger toys with Tooru's foreskin, teasing it, pulling it up over the head and back down again.

''Ah,'' Tooru breathes when Ushijima's other hand starts moving down his inner thigh, his fingertips barely touching Tooru's skin, more an impression than an actual touch and still enough to get Tooru keening. Ushijima's hand speeds up, the water rippling, breaking, waves sloshing against the tub's walls. Tooru is acutely aware of Ushijima's hard cock pressing against his lower back. He shifts his hips a little, fucking up into Ushijima's hand and adjusting in a way that Ushijima's cock lies between his ass cheeks.

''Can I... ,'' Ushijima asks tentatively, voice heavy with lust.

''Yes,'' Tooru presses out, his eyes falling shut when Ushijima flicks his wrist a little, probably unconsciously.

Ushijima's hip move upwards, careful at first, but when Tooru pushes back against him in encouragement, Ushijima starts applying more pressure, sliding back and forth between Tooru's cheeks, rubbing over his sensitive hole. Tooru would like to look at this as an appetizer for when there isn't a guard only a few meters away from them. The forbiddenness of their actions does nothing to cease his desire to be as humanly close to Ushijima as possible.

Ushijima synchronizes his pumps with his thrusts and Tooru gets an idea of how Ushijima makes love. Passionately, in the moment, and giving. Very, very giving.

Tooru is getting steadily closer to his release with Ushijima palming his balls and his other hand holding him by the hip to get better friction. Ushijima's cock feels long and heavy on his ass, making Tooru's mouth water and his mind overflow with images of having that cock lie on his tongue or even better, hitting his prostate with every thrust, reaching deep within him, maybe deeper than he's ever had before.

''I- I'm close. _Shit_ ,'' Tooru hisses as Ushijima speeds up considerably. He's sure his hole will be sore tomorrow with how hard Ushijima is rubbing against it but it will all be worth it.

Tooru throws his arms back, desperate for anything to hold on to. He buries both his hands in Ushijima's mussed up hair, pulling at it when Ushijima puts a finger to his slit.

''Fuck, Tooru,'' Ushijima groans, hips springing forward erratically, uncontrolled. Then they stutter and Tooru knows Ushijima just came against his ass, his come probably floating in the water between their moving bodies. This knowledge alone could've gotten him over the edge but in the end it's Ushijima's thumb underneath his cockhead and a gentle squeeze that makes him moan ridiculously high, and come over his own stomach, soiling the water.

After, he slumps back against Ushijima's chest, both of them panting heavily. Ushijima puts his hand back on Tooru's chest, the weight of it grounding Tooru like a well-needed anchor. Without it, Tooru would surely lose his grip on reality, drowning in the little world they created by themselves.

For a moment, Tooru lets himself stay in this world. Without the bars everywhere and the locks and grim faces. Just Ushijima's pounding heart beating against Tooru's spine, the warm water around them, and strong, tender fingers playing with his own.

 

Of course they have to wash up and get dressed some time, and they reluctantly do. Ushijima helps him get dressed even though he prolongs the process unnecessarily by pressing tiny little kisses to whichever part of Tooru's body that speaks to him in that exact moment. Tooru giggles every now and again, feeling like a love-sick puppy when he does so, but never stopping because his giggles seem to make Ushijima happy in a way, earning him a few smiles and a few more kisses.

When they're both dressed, they give the sign for the guard to let them out. The older man gives them judgmental looks but Tooru manages to stare him down. He dreads having to move up the stairs only to get down again a little while later. But not even Ushijima can cop out of the daily cell check.

 

Back in their cell, Tooru sits down on his own bed hesitantly. The truth is, after that first night in Ushijima's bed, he hasn't really moved back to his own. Instead, he read Ushijima's book until his eyes fell shut, every night, the only way for him to get at least a few hours of sleep.

''What's wrong?,'' Ushijima asks, sitting down next to him, the bed squeaking in protest.

Tooru licks his lips nervously. ''I've got you something for Christmas. Two things actually.''

''You shouldn't have,'' Ushijima says, eyes soft.

''No, no, I had to,'' Tooru says, glancing at his pillow under which he hid part one of Ushijima's present. ''After... everything you've done for me, you deserve much more than what I got you, but I... hope you like it anyway.''

He leans to the side to reach for the bundle of four books, not wrapped in Christmas paper, but pretty enough on their own. He tied them together with a simple red ribbon he found festive enough but not tacky. Ushijima takes them from him, their fingers touching.

''It's the complete work of Theodor Storm. All his poems and short stories and novels, even a few fairy tales,'' Tooru rambles, looking shyly at Ushijima who's holding the bundle of books as if they were a newborn baby. Ushijima doesn't say anything.

''Do you... like it?,'' Tooru asks nervously.

Ushijima exhales loudly, putting the stack of books on his lap, tracing the title with his finger absentmindedly. ''My grandmother is German. She loves Theodor Storm,'' Ushijima says and Tooru realizes that this moment right now is important. ''She read his novels to me a lot when I was younger. She used to say how I was exactly like Storm's works. Simple and a little rough but making her realize the raw beauty of reality. The book I'm always reading was the only thing I took with me when I came here.''

Tooru thought Ushijima must have stolen it from the library some time, now he feels guilty for reading it.

'' _Hyacinths_ is my favorite,'' he admits.

Ushijima smiles. ''Yeah, she likes that one too. Or maybe not anymore, I don't know. How would I know.''

''Ushijima, why are you here.''

Ushijima's smile turns bitter, stale. It hurts to see his rare, wonderful smile turn into this. He almost never smiles, but when he does it's otherworldly but this, this bittersweet expression looks exactly like a memory he's tried to forget very hardly.

''My sister, Haruka, and I grew up with my grandparents. My mother got me when she was still very young, my sister came ten years later. When our father left her, she sent us to her parents. She said I reminded her of my father too much. Haruka was just a baby at that time. Grandma was always very sweet to the both of us but our grandfather always... preferred Haruka.'' At that he hesitates, closes his eyes for a moment and hot anger flashes over his face.

''She was lively when she was younger, not like me. But when she turned seven she started to get more quiet, shy. I was eighteen when I got home early from school and saw her bike in the driveway. She was supposed to be in school and I wondered if she was sick. I went up to her room a- and,'' Ushijima swallows. ''I saw our grandfather leaning over her, holding her... tiny wrists in his hand above her head. Her dress... was- ,'' he shakes his head. ''She had her eyes pressed closed tightly. I don't think she even registered me being there. I started shouting and my grandfather let go of her. I got her out, locked her in my room. That wasn't the right thing to do, I know that now, but I couldn't think straight back then, I just wanted to know her safe. She was only eight. _Eight_ ,'' Ushijima says and covers his eyes with his hands.

Tooru gives him a moment, not daring to say anything. There is a heavy lump in his throat but crying wouldn't do any good, either.

''I got back to her room and he was still there. He tried telling me it wasn't what it looked like, but before he even ended that sentence he had my fist in his mouth. I hit him until he stopped moving. I killed him. My grandmother found me in the bathroom trying to wash off the blood. She called the police. She's never forgiven me.''

Tooru reaches out to him then, pulling his head against his chest and combing through his hair with his fingers while trying to keep in the tears. Ushijima puts his arms around Tooru's middle. He's not crying, he's indulging Tooru. Ushijima has had ten years to think about what he did, he's probably long accepted it, come to terms with it. The fact that he killed his grandfather is not what still haunts him. It's the knowledge that his sister was sexually abused right before his eyes, and he didn't see it for almost a year.

''You're probably the only innocent man in this place,'' Tooru whispers. ''He deserved to die.''

They stay like this, hugging each other tightly. In the back of his mind, Tooru is aware that the guards will check their cells soon and that they still have to make their beds. But for the moment, he holds Ushijima until his breathing gets back to normal.

When he pulls back, his expression is calm. A man that has accepted the past but will forever carry the memory and the guilt with him.

''It's too bad I couldn't see Haruka this year,'' he says. ''She just turned eighteen. I don't even know if she still lives with grandma.''

Tooru bites his lip. ''She's coming. She'll come visit before New Year's.''

Ushijima looks at him, confused.

''I got a message out to her through Hanamaki. I let her know that she should come visit after Christmas and yesterday came the message back that she'll come visit before New Year's Eve. That's your second Christmas present, actually,'' Tooru says and gives Ushijima a timid smile.

Ushijima stares at him blankly. Then he takes Tooru's face in both of his hands, squishing his cheeks, and gives him a smooch right on the mouth. Then one to his left cheek, on his right, to both his eyelids, his forehead. Tooru laughs at the tickling sensation.

''Thank you,'' Ushijima says earnestly.

''You deserve it,'' Tooru says before kissing him, ''you deserve everything good.''

 

– – –

 

After breakfast Tooru gets escorted to the nurse's office. The doctor is already waiting for him when he enters. She takes off the brace, examines Tooru's knee and declares him almost healed. He still has to wear a brace, but without all the metal, and without the crutches. He'll have to be careful with his knee but he should get back to normal soon enough.

Walking back to the library with Ushijima by his side, Tooru spots Suga leaning in a door frame, arms crossed, face grim.

Tooru stops, raises his hand and waves at him. The same manic smile on his face as the one when he first got here. He can't hold back anymore. Part of him has always been dark and he can't deny that part. He's got to make use of it.

1

Suga started a game Tooru is all too eager to end.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: the showdown. And sex ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).


	5. Common People with Common Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!! HA HA HA!!

It's Suga's 2243rd morning in exactly this cell, in exactly this bed. The cellmates have changed a couple of times, though. At the moment it's Asahi, who is quite comfortable to live with. He's quiet and obedient, and has grown to be something like a friend. Today is special though, it's one of Suga's favorite days of the week: visitation day.

Asahi is making his bed when there's a knock on their cell door and a moment later Sawamura steps inside, leaving the door open.

''Good morning,'' he says before putting an arm around Suga's waist. Suga smiles and takes Sawamura's face in his hands to pull him into a kiss. The kiss is his favorite part of the morning by far. In here, there is no chance of him waking up with Sawamura next to him, around him, close to him. So this has to do.

''Good morning to you, too,'' Suga murmurs against Sawamura's lips.

''Good morning, Daichi, by the way,'' Asahi weakly infers. Sawamura chuckles and continues ignoring him.

''Excited?,'' he asks.

''Of course,'' Suga says, ''how's my baby?''

''Not so much a baby anymore, but she's good, she misses you,'' Sawamura says, tucking a strand of hair behind Suga's ear. Suga pouts. She'll be in high school when Suga gets out. Almost not a child anymore. While she learns to read and write, Suga wastes away his life behind bars. But sometimes he can see her, on those days when someone takes her to visit him. She doesn't know her daddy any different than in overalls and for half an hour only. It regularly breaks Suga's heart. Sawamura tries to mend it with videos and photos and sometimes it helps soothing the ache a little bit. Sometimes it doesn't. At least one of her parents is with her.

He goes about his day like usual. Sawamura has to collect the others for the showers eventually and they make their way to the cellar. After comes breakfast. Yachi isn't very talkative this morning and avoids meeting Suga's eyes. He's going to look into that, but not today because today is visitation day. And one of his favorite visitors is going to be here in only a few hours. Whatever bothers Yachi, Suga won't be bothered by it today.

Across the hall, Ushijima and his new play thing catch his attention. They seem to be official now, with Oikawa hanging all over Ushijima, a kiss here and there and Ushijima indulging him willingly. He should enjoy it while he can. He looks Oikawa up and down. Now without the crutches, he walks around again like he's the king here. Fucking one of the top dogs here doesn't make you a king though, it makes you vulnerable. Suga knows.

And then Oikawa looks straight back at him, his eyes challenging. Suga raises one of his delicate eyebrows. Something has changed and he's about to find out what. _But not today_.

He breaks eye contact and searches the hall for Yahaba and Kyoutani. They sit at a table with other not gang-involved people. Someday he'll get them to join the Crows, Suga is sure about it. Neither of them are used to being alone and Suga doesn't mind his family growing.

In the afternoon, anticipation and happiness filling the air in the packed room, Suga patiently waits at the small table for his visitor to arrive. He's a few minutes late and Suga starts worrying, that's just how he is. The life all of them are living isn't without its risks and dangers and Suga worries about his family. Especially over is closest family.

The door opens and there he is, all grown-up with long limbs and an insecure scowl, eyebrows pulled together the same way he did when he was still a child. A small, angry child with chubby cheeks and long arms, ink-black hair and sad, cold, blue eyes. He's changed a little and Suga deeply hopes that the sadness in his boy's eyes will vanish some day. Hopes, he'll still be there to witness it.

''Tobio,'' Suga calls out. Kageyama looks in the direction Suga's voice comes from and then walks towards him. He's dressed in jeans and a blue sweater, looking like any other young man, and Suga couldn't be prouder.

''Suga-san,'' Kageyama greets him. After 2243 days in prison, Suga knows better than to reach out for Kageyama. The No-Touching-Rule is one of the few rules Suga can't break, not even secretly. Not even with Sawamura's help.

''Tobio,'' Suga says, his voice warm, his face falling into a relaxed, relieved smile. ''How are you?''

''I'm good, thank you. How are you?''

Suga chuckles fondly at Kageyama's awkwardness. Even after years of knowing him, Kageyama never really managed to just _let loose._ It's a result of how Kageyama was raised until Suga and Sawamura took care of him, Suga knows, but sometimes he thinks he should've gotten Kageyama help to deal with his past. Then again, it would have been risky: what if the therapist informed the police or, or- . No, they've done the right thing. They've done all they could.

''I'm good, Tobio, really good. How's Hajime? How was Christmas?''

''Christmas was nice, Hajime's parents were really welcoming. They're living outside town. Really quiet there. Good for thinking.''

Suga nods empathetically. Kageyama's always been a thinker. He remains silent to give Tobio some room to speak, sometimes he needs a moment to put his thoughts in order, to find the words he needs to vocalize what he means.

''Suga-san, I want to leave the Crows,'' Kageyama says hesitantly but with certainty.

Suga's heart falls.

It's not that he never expected those words to come from Tobio. There was a time when he even hoped Tobio would say them. But it hits right at home, still. Suga wipes his clammy hands on his thighs.

''Hajime and I talked. We want to live our lives together. But with all the gang stuff, there's always something getting in our way. I told him everything. And he said we should both start over. I... agree.''

Suga's eyes widen. ''You. You told him- you told him _everything_? Tobio, what does that mean?''

Kageyama looks at his hands on the table top. He twiddles his thumbs nervously. He's been biting his nail beds again and Suga really wants to reach out and make him stop, just by laying his own hand on Kageyama's. He can't though. He can't.

''I told him I was the mule. Everything,'' Kageyama admits quietly, ashamed. ''I couldn't lie to him any longer. He was angry. Really angry. But then he said we could start again. I want that. I really want that, Suga-san.''

Kageyama looks at Suga with big, blue eyes, and he's reminded of why he took Kageyama in in the first place. He still sees that scared child in his dreams.

 

– – –

 

The Crows had to raid a house of one of their affiliated groups. They had leaked information about an important transaction at the border and Sawamura couldn't turn a blind eye on them any longer. Him and Suga were just promoted to the heads of the Crows at that time. Still too young for that kind of position but with the boss dead, there was no other choice. So, they stormed the house. It was filthy to say the least. Dirty rooms, dirty people and in the middle of it a child with those dark blue eyes and the grumpiest face Suga had ever seen on a kid. He had a bruise on his face and was all alone. Left behind, abandoned. Shots were fired everywhere and people fled outside like frightened deer. But the child sat quietly in his corner, looking incredibly small. Maybe ten years old, possibly younger.

''Daichi,'' Suga said, pointing at the boy quivering in the corner.

Sawamura was good with children, always had been. Together they approached the small boy who only scowled at them, not moving an inch. It took a while until the boy was coaxed into letting them touch him. To this day, Kageyama isn't too fond of touching. Suga and Daichi took him with them, not yet with the intention to take him in, but to care for him until hey could find his parents.

His parents never looked for him. No missing posters. Nothing.

Daichi and Suga had never talked about it, but they made a home for Kageyama nevertheless. They were only twenty years old when they found Kageyama but with a lot of helping hands he was easy to raise. A quiet child with a lot of issues but still very much lovable. And both Suga and Sawamura were willing to love him as their own.

Years later, when Seijoh got more popular and the name _Oikawa_ crossed the Crows' way time and time again, Sawamura and Suga agreed that they had to infiltrate the gang. The decision who should do the job was hard. Kageyama was obviously the best choice, with his level of skill, his loyalty, and his reticence. But Kageyama had never been able to live a normal life. Suga wasn't very willing to send him away, to endure such kind of pressure.

In the end Kageyama went. Everything happened according to their plan. Kageyama was skilled enough to become Oikawa's apprentice in some way or another. Every now and again Kageyama managed to meet with them to update them about Seijoh's business and reassuring them that he was doing fine.

Suga was incredibly worried. Kageyama told him how Oikawa treated him poorly and how hard it was to live with him. What Suga worried even more about was how Kageyama talked about Oikawa's best friend, his _brother_. Iwaizumi Hajime left an impression on Kageyama Suga had never anticipated. He felt like Tobio was slipping way from them, pulled in by Iwaizumi's stability and leveled head.

Along the way, Sawamura brought home another boy, roughly Kageyama's age, and a little baby girl with flaming red hair, just like her older brother. Their parents didn't care for them, not even the baby, so Sawamura took them. Shouyou and Natsu were beautiful rays of sunshine, bright and happy in their otherwise so cruel world, and everything Suga and Sawamura ever wished for. They were a nice distraction from Kageyama's estrangement from them and their family.

But of course this mild happiness couldn't last. The Crows' reputation was starting to turn bad, unreliable, impulsive. Seijoh was _in vogue_. Then Natsu's and Shouyou's parents decided they wanted their kids back for what little the state was paying for them. They turned up at the Crows' headquarters one day, trying to kidnap Suga's and Sawamura's babies. Suga wasn't having it, though. He had lost sight of one of his kids already and it hurt bad enough for Suga to snap.

The first few years he spent in prison, whenever someone asked him what he was in for, he always answered with, ''I killed a bitch and failed to kill another.''

Sawamura took a job as a guard with fake papers to be closer to Suga. He gave up quite a bit of control over the Crows but like this, he is at least able to see his husband and spend time with both his children. Because to them, Shouyou and Natsu are just as much their own as Kageyama is.

One day, Shouyou walked into the hall in an orange overall, matching his hair. Suga was inconsolable for weeks after that. He felt like he had failed. He hadn't been _there_ after all. His heart was broken.

However, Suga's heart was torn apart when he heard what happened to Kageyama. What this pompous asshole had done to his family. To this broken little boy. Maybe not so little anymore but still a little broken.

And then, one morning, Oikawa Tooru sat at his table, idly eating his breakfast. Unfazed, no scars, no marks, absolutely fine while Kageyama would never look like he did before ever again. Oikawa had the audacity to ask for his protection when he almost killed his baby. Suga could've killed him right then and there. Could've pulled that smirk wider so it reached from one ear to the other, permanently. But one day he wants to get out of here, come back to Natsu, leave all of this behind. Oikawa isn't taking that way from him, too.

 

– – –

 

''Tobio,'' Suga says, finding back to the presence. He tries to convey how much he wants to embrace him, to hold his hand and comfort him. But he can't, he simply can't because he wasn't there when Kageyama needed him. ''I understand. It's okay, don't feel bad, honey.''

Kageyama bites his wobbling bottom lip, looking down sternly.

''I mean it. You deserve to live your life the way you want to. I understand, Tobio. Be selfish, it's okay,'' Suga says. He tries to sound earnest, reassuring, trying to not let his worry show, his own sadness.

''Thank you, Suga,'' Kageyama says. ''For everything. I'll stay in touch, I promise.''

Suga hopes he does. He isn't ready to let go completely.

 

– – –

 

Iwaizumi Hajime knowing everything means Oikawa Tooru knowing everything. And that means Suga is walking on very thin ice. With Oikawa making a few more connections, he'll be fucked. Completely screwed. Suga knows he let it go too far, he was careless and overhasty. And now he'll most likely get his comeuppance. Tobio is safe. Natsu is safe. Shouyou will be safe, Sawamura will make sure of that. Suga just hopes he'll come out of this alive, too. But even if not, it doesn't really matter, does it.

 

– – –

 

Tooru wakes up from a restless sleep when the sky is still a cozy dark blue sprinkled with a couple of stars here and there. At first he's unsure what exactly awoke him but after rubbing his eyes with the soles of his hands, his senses focus on a single noise coming from the bed a couple of feet next to his. Fabric rustling, fast little movements, flesh on flesh. It's the kind of noise Tooru waits for every other night, lying in bed with open eyes. It's offering him the matching background noise for his lewd fantasies; for the times when his hand reaches under the waistband of his briefs and he chases the littlest bit of sexual ecstasy he can get in this dull place.

Not this time, though.

The sounds stop when Tooru climbs out of his bed and tip toes across the room. The dim light from outside and streaming through the small window of their door from where the guards walk up and down the corridor, guides him easily to where Ushijima must think of him right in this moment. At least he would hope Ushijima thought of him in these moments of lust.

Ushijima's blanket lies crumbled at the end of his bed so that Tooru can easily throw a leg over his lap and look down at him. Ushijima's eyes are on him, not the least bit surprised by Tooru's actions. Ushijima's hand emerges from out of his pants and settles on Tooru's hip hesitantly.

''May I lend you a hand?,'' Tooru whispers sultrily. ''Or would you prefer me to not acknowlede the fact that you're jerking off while being in the same room as me.''

A small smile appears on Ushijima's face and his other hand mirrors his left one. In one fluid movement he changes their position and Tooru finds himself lying on his back with his head on Ushijima's still-warm pillow. Ushijima's smile turns into a smirk.

''This works, too,'' Tooru drawls, his hand slowly rubbing up and down Ushijima's strong back before running through his sleep-tousled hair.

Ushijima lowers his head, his nose brushing Tooru's. Tooru closes his eyes and deliberately rubs his nose against Ushijima's. Ushijima lets out a small laugh at that before kissing Tooru chastely on the lips.

''Do you want to?,'' He asks once they separate.

''There's a pack of condoms under my bed. And lube,'' Tooru says. Ushijima raises his eyeborws, visibly amused when he rises.

Ushijima hurries across the room and gets back to his bed in under twenty seconds. Tooru welcomes him back with open arms and a half-hard cock. Ushijima presses his own erection against Tooru's leg while he leans down for a deeper kiss.

While grinding slowly against each other and kissing wetly, Tooru lets out a little pleased moan. Ushijima ends the kiss and Tooru nibbles on Ushijima's pulse point while Ushijima catches his breath. He lets his forehead fall to Tooru's bony clavicles and where his breath hits Tooru's skin, goosebumps appear.

''If we were anywhere else but here,'' Ushijima starts, his voice serious, ''I would take my time with you. Just so you know.''

''Yeah?,'' Tooru pants. ''What would you want to do with me?''

Ushijima kisses under Tooru's jaw, his stubble tickling Tooru's sensitive skin there.

''First I would undress you slowly. Piece for piece,'' Ushijima says, his hand wandering over Tooru's body. ''I would kiss you everywhere. Just everywhere. Every single spot on your body deserves to be cherished and kissed every single day of your life.''

He kisses down Tooru's throat and Tooru shivers. He shoves down Ushijima's and his pants so their cocks can rub against each other skin on skin.

''Then I would open you up. Excrutiatingly slow. Getting you almost over the edge, with my fingers in you and my mouth on you. I would do it so long till you'd beg me to fuck you. And then some more.''

Tooru can't hold back his longing moan when he hears the lube bottle's cap being opened, and feels one of Ushijima's thick fingers circle his rim. When he slips it in, Tooru squeezes his eyes shut and puts a hand other his mouth, muffling an excited little scream.

''I would make you moan so loudly you'd be hoarse the next day. You would scream when I make you come. My name and _more_ and _harder_.''

Tooru's body is thriving under Ushijima's ministrations and his deep voice whispering in his ear. It helps to ease the pain of knowing that what Ushijima tells him he'd like to do with him, and what Tooru really wants him to do, isn't possible here. They can't have the loud and wild sex they both yearn for. Ushijima's second and third finger slipping into Tooru pull him out of this line of thoughts. They're here now. 

''I would fuck you so often we'd barely have to prepare you at all. Because you deserve to be fucked, you deserve to be satisfied at all times, whenever you want. But I'd still do it, because you like it, don't you? My fingers in you, finding _that_ spot with ease?''

Ushijima presses down on his prostate and Tooru reaches for his own dick to stop himself from coming right then and there. It's been too long. Way too long.

''Look at you, almost coming from my words and fingers alone. You're so gorgeous. God, you're perfect.''

A drop of sweat runs down Tooru's temple and Ushijima kisses it away. When he kisses Tooru again, he tastes salt on Ushijima's tongue. He almost doesn't notice Ushijima pulling his fingers out but he doesn't miss the noise of a foil packet being ripped open and the the slight hiss of breath Ushijima lets out when he rolls it over himself, and nudges the head of his swollen cock against Tooru's quivering entrance.

''I would leave the condom because we wouldn't need it,'' Ushijima continues while slowly sinking into Tooru with Tooru's legs bracketing his hips. ''I would take care of you after. I could finger my come out of you or clean you properly in the shower. I could eat you out and feed you what's left of my cum. I would do whatever you'd want from me.''

Steadily, carefully, Ushijima begins to thrust into Tooru. Tooru is livid. The feeling of Ushijima's thick, pulsing cock inside of him has him thriving. Ushijima's tendency to hit his prostate with every other thrust just stimulating enough but teasing nonethless. Pleasure runs through him with every kiss and every touch and every thrust and every praising word coming from Ushijima's mouth.

''Tell me, would you like that?,'' Ushijima asks, his voice strained.

''Yes,'' Tooru moans and he's shameless. He would love it. Being fed Ushijima's cum like a cumhungry slut. '' _Yes_.''

''We'd do it in so many different positions we'd both forget how missionary even works,'' Ushijima mumbles while speeding up. Tooru arches his back, chasing after Ushijima's every thrust. ''I bet you could ride me beautifully, facing me or backwards. God, I can't even imagine how hot it'd be with you on top of me, riding me with your beautiful back to me, me being able to see my cock sinking into you. Fuck.''

Ushijima takes one of Tooru's nipples into his mouth while rubbing the other between his thumb and middle finger. He bites down tenderly while thrusting into Tooru hard and Tooru has to stop himself from screaming.

''The guards could walk by _, aahh_ , any moment,'' Tooru croaks, his voice thick with pleasure. ''They'd see how I have the one they call the top dog wrapped around my finger.'' Tooru's grin is teasing and sexy, and Ushijima has to kiss it.

'You're right,'' he agrees. ''I'm whipped. I don't care. _Fuck_.'' The last word comes out as a muffled groan when Tooru clenches down on Ushijima's cock.

The slim bed creaks under their lovemaking and the springs of the thin mattress will for sure leave bruises on Tooru's back. But it's gonna be nothing compared to the long claw marks Tooru leaves on Ushijima's shoulder blades. Tooru's always been possessive. He wants everyone to know whom he's fucking and whom he allows to fuck him.

Ushijima's mouth finds Tooru's in the darkness of their cell. By all means it's not a pretty kiss. It's hungry and longing and filled with lust and love and everything sexy. When they're both speeding up, Ushijima his thrusts and Oikawa his hip movements, Ushijima takes one of Tooru's legs and positions it in the crook of his elbow. It allows him to thrust deeper and Tooru is all here for that. Ushijima could fold him in half for all he cares, Put his legs on his shoulders and stretch him to the point of pain. Tooru would love it.

''I'm close, fuck me harder, c'mon,'' Tooru demands, cheeks red and mouth hanging open to draw in shaky breaths.

Ushijima acts immediately, his thrusts getting quicker and harder. His jaw is clenched in pure pleasure and concentration. His breathing has long been irregular and there are red splotches on his broad chest. Oikawa wishes he could take a photo of Ushijima Wakatoshi losing control like this. Chasing his own pleasure while pleasuring Tooru.

They come together. Ushijima silents them both with an uncoordinated but passionate kiss, fucking his tongue into Tooru's mouth with his cock buried deep in Tooru's ass, pulsing and throbbing while filling the condom with his cum. Tooru climaxes with his eyes shut and his hands pulling Ushijima's hair to the point of pain, probably. He comes all over their chests.

They're panting in unison while slowly coming down from their high. Their kiss grows slower and more tender. Loving. Ushijima holds Tooru's jaw and murmurs soft praises against his lips that Tooru returns sleepily.

When Ushijima finally pulls out, Tooru is almost asleep already. Warm in Ushijima's arms.

 

 

Waking up with Ushijima looking at him with pure adoration is something Tooru still has to get used to, but is sure he definitely could.

''You okay?,'' Ushijima asks quietly, his voice still hoarse from sleep. It's not even five in the morning yet. Tooru is comfortable in the crook of Ushijima's neck, their legs tangled together, and arms around each other.

''Mhhh-hmm,'' Tooru hums happily, stretching his limbs as best as he can in the small bed. He's the good kind of sore. The _thoroughly-fucked_ kind. ''Gotta pee though.'' Ushijima kisses his forehead once, twice. Obviously fond.

''What a blessing that the toilet is right here, huh,'' he says quietly, nuzzling Tooru's hair. Tooru sighs and throws their blanket back, the cold air hitting his sleep-warm skin. He hurries over to relieve himself, trying to be quick while freezing bitterly. He shivers and tiptoes over to Ushijima's bed when he's done and after washing his hands. Ushijima opens his blanket and makes some room for Oikawa to slip into. Ushijima immediately wraps his arms around Oikawa, rubbing his back to warm him up again. Oikawa snuggles closer, pressing his cold nose to Ushijima's neck.

Being in love in prison isn't easy, but it is worth it. Ushijima is definitely worth it.

It's been a couple of days since their first kiss and since then Oikawa prepared a lot of things for Ushijima's and his _happy ever after_. He desperately wants a happy ever after. Needs it, really. Suga won't take that from him now that he's had a taste of it.

''Today's the day,'' Ushijima says.

''Uh-huh,'' Tooru acknowledges him. ''Finally.''

''Before breakfast?''

''The sooner the better,'' Tooru murmurs, frowning. Ushijima promptly kisses te frown away.

''Yeah,'' he agrees and pulls Tooru a little tighter still.

 

– – –

 

As soon as Suga walks down the stairs to the basement and sees Ushijima and Oikawa waiting for him in the shadows, Suga knows this might be the last day of his life. He had it coming, after all. He closes his eyes and thinks of Shouyou and Natsu and Tobio and. _Daichi_. He just hopes they'll leave Daichi out of this. Daichi who is a much better person than he his.

He opens his eyes again and they're still there, looking at him, expressionless. Without any empathy.

''Suga,'' Oikawa greets him tersely.

''Oikawa,'' Suga smiles.

Oikawa nods in his direction and Ushijima stalks towards him, grabs him rouhgly by the arm with his hand almost completely encircling his biceps, and pulls Suga after himself down the corridor. Suga doesn't bother struggling. When it comes to body strength he doesn't stand a single chance against Ushijima. He's all muscle power where Suga is sharp wit, strategy, and poison.

Suga is not at all surprised when he gets shoved into the room Daichi and he sometimes find refuge in. Their little nest where they can exchange soft words and softer kisses. It's a silent statement of _we know._ The door closes behind them and Suga grows suspicious when he notices that Oikawa isn't following them in.

''What are you going to do,'' Suga says. This can't be good.

A large hand settles on his shoulder and shoves him into a chair facing the door. He doesn't get an answer. He didn't expect one.

It's a procedure he's more than familiar with. Locking the victim or suspect or whomever in a room without windows, without daylight, just with the eerie silence of your hangman uncomfortably close you. Your own imagination is the slowest and one of the cruelest ways of torture. Suga tries to stay calm, tries to not let it affect him. But thoughts of Daichi and Shouyou flash before his inner eye and he can't help but grow panicky. What if Oikawa is torturing Daichi in the room next to them to get answers out of him? What if they already threw Shouyou down he stairs and left him to bleed out on cold concrete? What do they even know in the first place?

The door opens again and Suga's heart falls when he sees Daichi's confused face, Oikawa closely behind him. He rises from the chair immediately and Ushijima lets him. He rushes to Daichi who embraces him out of habit but lets his arms fall again when he notices Suga's wide eyes. Daichi doesn't seem to be hurt, at least. Thank god. Suga turns to Oikawa and Ushijima.

''Whatever bone you think you have to pick with me, Sawamura has nothing to do with it,'' he hisses.

Oikawa raises an unimpressed eyebrow while Ushijima remains stoic. Daichi is rubbing Suga's arm nervously.

''How about we only tell the truth, mh? No need to lie, we're all friends, right,'' Oikawa says and Suga wishes he could just smash in that smug face.

''It is the truth,'' Suga says before Daichi has the chance to say something.

''So, you are saying that it was pure coincident that whenever there was an attack on Tooru there were no guards around? It's obvious that Sawamura was the one keeping them away. Don't lie to us or this will end badly for you.'' Ushijima says tonelessly. He seems unmoved by all of this.

''We're gonna stop,'' Daichi speaks up and Suga's head whips to face him. ''We're gonna stop, okay. Just let us go.''

''Oh? Confessing everything already?,'' Oikawa mocks him. Suga is furious. ''That was fast. How convenient.''

''We're not confessing anything, asshole,'' Suga says angrily, ''because we haven't done anything. Kyoutani and Yahaba are the ones behind those silly little attacks, don't we all know? Sawamura and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. We're completely guiltless. So what do you even want from him and me?''

''Smart of you to avoid using _we_ ,'' Oikawa says, his smile gone. ''But a little too late. You know, he first rule in Seijoh is 'know your enemy better than you know yourself' so naturally the first thing I did was research you a little bit. Funny how I didn't find a lot on _Sugawara Koushi_. I thouht you must've cleaned up behind yourself quite impressively, but then Ushijima had a brilliant idea, you see. We started searching for _Sawamura Koushi_ and lo and behold, there you were.''

Suga grinds his teeth. Daichi reaches out to him and Suga lets him. It doesn't matter anymore, anyway, the cat's long out of the bag.

''Not exactly smart to get married in your situation,'' Oikawa continues. ''But given the circumstances it was necessary, wasn't it? It's better to be married when you want to adopt. Three kids; that's really impressive. And what a surprise to find the name of one of my former underlings on the list. Tobio-chan never mentioned you, how odd, don't you think?''

'' _You left him to die_! You tried to kill our son, you disgusting piece of shit!,'' Suga exclaims and even Daichi looks close to losing control. ''He was just a kid and you would've let him die in there! All alone, burning to death.''

Ushijima puts his hand on Oikawa's lower back encouragingly.

''Let me fucking finish,'' Oikawa presses out. Sawamura and Suga look at him, fuming. ''You planted a mole in my group, congratulations for that. But that little rat actually found a home with us, who would've thought. It could've all worked out but then you had to make a rash move and got yourself in jail. It's quite easy to check in here with a fake identity. You know you couldn't be Sawamura here so you returned to your maiden name. Sawamura started working here and with his connections to the outside you could live here quite comfortably. And that's when I rained on your parade, right? So obviously you wanted to take revenge on me. I understand that, really. But I thought someone like you wouldn't be so stupid to make a range of mistakes.''

''You can't fucking prove anything,'' Suga shouts and takes a step forward. Ushijima and Daichi react immediately; Daichi pulling Suga back and Ushijima stepping in front of Oikawa. It was an unspoken truth that the both of them are only secondary characters in this charade. This fight was between Suga and Oikawa.

''Are you sure?,'' Oikawa smiles. ''Because I'm pretty sure I have enough to reunite you with your lover in jail with your sentence elongated quite a bit.''

''Our word against yours,'' Daichi says with clenched teeth.

Ushijima and Oikawa just laugh. Every hair on Suga's body stands up straight at that sound. He imagines Oikawa hiding somewhere he's safe from the police. Him thinking he had killed Tobio. Laughing exactly the same way he did now. Suddenly, Suga feels like screaming and puking all at once.

''I wish I had popcorn,'' Oikawa says. ''Ushijima, roll he video.''

Ushijima reaches into his pocket to pull out a small camcorder, an older model from a few years ago. Suga frowns while Daichi only sighs in defeat. Ushijima presses a button and the first thing that can be heard is Suga's soft, delighted giggling.

 _Oh stop, it tickles!_ His own voice says to him. Suga remembers the day. Daichi hadn't shaved in a few days and his stubble was tickling Suga as he kissed Suga's neck. It was after dinner, shortly before Daichi was free to go home. They managed to steal a few kisses and talk to each other a little when Daichi received a text informing him that Natsu was feeling sick. Daichi left and Suga stayed behind, helpless and unable to fuss over his child when it needed him the most.

 _I don't know what you mean_ comes Daichi's retort. They sound happy.

''You remember that day? It is not particularly clever to seek out the same room every time you two want to have time alone,'' Ushijima's gruff voice talks  over their kissing noises from the video.

''Stop that,'' Daichi demands and surprisingly Ushijima obliges. He's always been the more honorable between Oikawa and him, Suga knew.

''Just as a reminder,'' Oikawa speaks up, his arms crossed over his chest, ''you talk about your kids on this. About how Kyoutani and Yahaba are too stupid to pull 'it' through – and don't worry you specify what 'it' means later in the video – and you talk about how everything will be back to normal as soon as I'm, well, dead.''

''We entrusted an outside friend with a copy of this video, so don't think we didn't take precautions,'' Ushijima says calmly.

Suga gnaws on his bottom lip in concentration while trying hard to hide his panic and pain. Daichi looks ready to pounce, one hand on his baton. He's smart enough not to pull it on them, though.

''So what,'' Suga finally speaks up. ''What do you want.''

Oikawa leans back against the wall, feigning relaxation. The one thing Suga hates most about Oikawa is that he has no idea what the man really is like. He constantly puts on a persona, trying to infuriate his opponent, never letting anyone see through his act. Suga wonders if Oikawa ever lets Ushijima look through it. If maybe Tobio has ever caught a glimpse of what Oikawa really is like as a person. If Oikawa Tooru actually exists. 

''Pull some strings. Get Kyoutani and Yahaba transferred to another prison. Leave Seijoh alone. Quit your little prison gang act. The Swans will be the only gang from now on, are we clear? Cut your connections to the outside and no more benefits from fucking a prison guard,'' Oikawa counts on his fingers. ''And lastly. Don't fucking cross my way ever again. You see me walking down the corridor? You're going to hide somewhere until I've passed. In the cafeteria you don't look at me or Ushijima. You don't speak to any of the Swans. You will make yourself as small as possible till you're nothing more than the cockroach on the wall that you actually are.''

In the middle of all of this Oikawa lost his calm and Ushijima had to remind him to keep his voice low. Suga grows more and more seething with every word that leaves Oikawa's mouth. Daichi's hand rubbing his arm has grown uncomfortable and tense. Daichi takes a deep breath.

''Okay,'' he simply says. Suga lowers his gaze, defeated.

''Okay,'' Oikawa echos. He lets out a long breath.

''Can we go now,'' Suga asks, not one bit the friendly person he usually pretends to be and wishes to really be someday.

''Yes,'' Ushijima says, as if he doesn't trust Oikawa to not spew out some more profanities at them or trying to talk them down some more.

Daichi takes Suga's hand in his and Suga lets him pull him out the door. They're already half-way down the corridor when the door opens again and Oikawa looks at them with a calculated expression. They stop in their tracks and look at him expectantly. 

''I came back for him,'' Oikawa says. Quietly. Apologetic? ''I thought you should know that. But it was a selfish decision, anyway. I couldn't have lived with the knowledge of killing some kid that looked up to my best friend. It was never about Tobio.''

Suga swallows down his tears and puts on a brave face. ''It was always about Tobio,'' he simply says and turns to leave, hearing the door fall shut behind them loudly.

 

– – –

 

Tooru takes in deep breaths. He's practically soaked with sweat at this point. He had expected more of a fight from them, to be completely honest. He's glad it's... – not _easy_ , because it wasn't easy, it has never been easy and will never be easy – … over. Yes. He's just glad that this nightmare is over.

Ushijima seems to sense his uneasiness and steps closer to embrace him. With Ushijima's strong arms around him and the key to an easier time in prison in his hand, he relaxes.

''Happy ending,'' he breathes into Ushijima's shoulder.

''Yeah,'' Ushijima agrees, equally quiet. ''It's about to begin.''

 

There might be other problems ahead. Surely there will. Long distance will be hard, when Tooru gets released and Ushijima stays behind. They'll manage a couple of years, though. What are a couple of years when it comes to the rest of their lives. Oikawa can't wait to meet Ushijima's sister, can't wait to hug Hajime, can't wait to welcome Ushijima to his home once he's released.

 

Tooru just can't wait for what's to come.

 

 

 

– – –

Fin

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would've thought I'd ever finish this fic, right? Well, I didn't expect it. You probably didn't expect it, either. But here we are! So... what are we gonna do with that?Please leave a comment? Please?
> 
> This story sure as hell didn't end the way I wanted it to end a year ago, but lets be real, I've grown out of this fic. I still really like it, don't get me wrong, but sometimes you have to let things go, right? 
> 
> Anyways, the reason for me finally posting the last chapter was a message I got on tumblr asking me if I would ever write UshiOi ever again. And it somehow hit me. I really, really enjoy writing this pairing and I love the pairing itself but this is it for me. I've written what I wanted to write. And dear person that asked me on tumblr: this is for you! I hope you like it. 
> 
> You can read this as some sort of goodbye, because I will probably not return to the Haikyuu fandom. I love it and I love you guys and I love all the people giving me feedback and making me happy with your commentaries. I would like to say thank you. I had fun and I hope you had, too. <3<3<3


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